Yesterday, one of my good friends told me that I often make people feel uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nathan0492
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does it feel so good to screw on a camping trip?

Cuz It's fucking intents

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rare_Breed721
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does it feel so good to find the solution to addition problems?

The answer is always whole-sum

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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i don't feel good

Every time I've ever told my dad: "I don't feel good" or "I feel weird" he walks over, pinches my arm lightly and says "yeah, you DO feel weird" and it never fails to make me smile

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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My son keeps trying to swim inside the house... So I came up with this idea that I’m starting to feel REALLY GOOD about.

In door fins!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatherfinger420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
It made me feel pretty good when everyone in Jamaica thought I was macho...

Until I realised that's how they pronounce Matthew.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtcarr79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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I tried to quit masturbation, but I couldn't...because on one hand, it feels good...ο»Ώ
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xorflame
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I feel like I had a good one in real life yesterday...

Mom: Why don't you use the trowel?

Me: Let's just call a spade a spade.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FerralWombat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2017
🚨︎ report
A guy goes to the doctor and says β€œI don’t feel too good it feels like I’ve got a lettuce up my butt.

The proctologist says alright let me have a look.

The proctologist comes back and says β€œI’ve got bad news, it’s worse than that, that’s only the tip of the iceberg”.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickabref
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I finally got one of my own - feels good, man.

My two-year-old son was trying desperately to reach something on the countertop and becoming quite distressed.

It turns out that he just really, really wanted the potato peeler.

"Well, here you go, son," I said, as I handed it to him, "but I don't see what the big draw is - I mean, it's not even a'peelin'."


I'm dying over here, and he's just wandered off to try to peel the rug.

πŸ‘︎ 431
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πŸ‘€︎ u/subdudeman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
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When it comes to good quality olive oil, I feel sorry for green olives...

They must be under a lot of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tirbert
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Made my 9 year old cringe and it feels so good. "Mom, can I have an ibuprofen? My head hurts."

"Oh, sure, honey. Does your face hurt, too?"

"No, wh--"

"Because it's killing me!"

My husband laughed, so I feel pretty good about it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmutGoddess
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
🚨︎ report
I feel like I'm gonna be a pretty good dad some day.

http://imgur.com/a/SCXbG

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bnorvell11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
🚨︎ report
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piemamamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What does the electrician say when he meditates?

Oooohm

πŸ‘︎ 394
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πŸ‘€︎ u/w0zzie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I posted something on here the other day and didn’t get a single upvote

I guess nobody Reddit.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?

Do You Hear What I Hear?

πŸ‘︎ 920
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaurusGuy813
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Chemis-tree
πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACrazyCookie491
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My 9 year old wanted me to post her joke here!

What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks!

I am so proud of her! Edit: wording.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valenshyne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Every Friday I get a feeling my wife is up to no good.

Something smells fishy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatGreenGobbo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigDogAlex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark’s parents?

One Buck.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Unc: "I'm not feeling so good....". Flakes away
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SenSyllable
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...

She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/studentadvisor101
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you ever thought about what the world would be like without noses?

Nobody nose.

Also my boyfriend came up with this and I feel like this is so good I need to go take a pregnancy test to see if he’s about to be a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CompactDisc96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Burnt 1600 calories today.. feeling good!
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sonujohny
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My 3 year old's first joke

What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter

Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rushpig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A hammerhead shark made from hammer heads
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vermillion_-_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.

β€œYou’ve found your man,” I responded, β€œwhenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunilrai591
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know french fries aren’t originally from France?

They were first cooked in Greece.

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awag80
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a good feeling you guys'll appreciate this animation I made [:50 seconds] youtube.com/watch?v=Q1_KS…
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearticBeast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
So I went to a costume party dressed as a harp.

The host says, β€œWhat are you dressed as?” I tell him, β€œI’m a harp.” He says, β€œBut your costume is to small to be a harp.” I was incredibly offended, and tell him, β€œAre you calling me a lyre?!”

πŸ‘︎ 778
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajicMan101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
This sub is going downhill
πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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English puns make me feel numb

But math puns make me feel number

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OoRicky92oO
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?

Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone have a feeling today will be a good day?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/angell54
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm sorry, but I'm extremely proud of this one, and nobody in the chat found it funny =(
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ennis88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Thank you

This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you πŸ’–

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xcixjames
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Working with the raw materials I get imgur.com/BtgDLGt
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaussWanker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here...

...But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikthise042
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
If you suck at playing the trumpet...
πŸ‘︎ 362
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirt_T
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

Can't wait to see his face light up, when he opens it.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I rolled my first joint last night.

Today I have an ankle the size of a football.

>!Mind you, thanks to this really good weed I am feeling no pain at all.!<

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gil-Gandel
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I never understood why people dislike vegans so much.

I have never had a beef with them.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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