I told her to save her Saab story for someone who cares
I was impressed.
Butt-first coffee.
Because they cantaloupe.
Ma said it weren’t no big deal, “they found Himalayan on the road out front!”
Man ‘I am a turtle, this is Michelle’
He was the Captain's Log.
..But I think they are on the way out.
So bougie!
The bill was huge
It was delightful.
It was all going well when I put the potatos in but when it came to add the leeks I just got soup everywhere.
It was a pirate copy.
... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
It had a so"fish"ticated flavor. Cod almighty, this is a terrible joke.
I'm sorry
Apparently it was Greek yogurt made by Austrians using some sort of Finnish process and sold by a company in Seattle, where she's from.
I said, "Gee, sounds like that yogurt is a product of a lot of different cultures."
She high-fived me. Everyone else in the room groaned.
Ciroc
Ok bomber.
But I'd probably have a go if pushed.
After i finished eating, trying not to be outdone, i asked for the william.
it was sour though
It's Putin on the Ritz
He was Audi control
So they don't have to look at the pores.
It's just bare-bones for them.
As soon as I saw her, I knew she was the one.
It turned out to be a sham
I told him he should drink it, but he said he was waiting for a special occasion. By the time he finally opened the bottle, all the wine had turned to vinegar. He said that the wine wouldn't have been that good anyway, but I think that's just sour grapes.
"sure" I said. "I'm down".
He just got his first review; great food, no atmosphere
The critics panned it.
He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.
"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.
"Oh, This is Michelle"
This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
I didn't win but at least I can hold my head up high
He asks his dad “What’s in that?”
The dad replies “Well, son, that’s your uncle Frank. He wanted to be cremated and put in his favorite beer stein. He said it would be funny.”
The son says “How on earth is that funny?”
The dad replies “Because it’s a Frank in stein.”
I just didn't want to wagyu with her any more.
So a few years ago I was planning on proposing to my girlfriend, and I had a super fancy setup. Just as i was about to propose my friend Joe comes running in and trips, shattering the glass table and cutting his eye. Obviously I did not propose and I took him to the hospital. Now i don't know Joe that well, I don't even know where he's from, but i felt the kind thing to do was to help him. He got a cotton eye patch on his eye which stayed on for months. One day i woke up and my girlfriend and Joe were gone. Apparently in the few months since that fateful night they had bonded and they ran off to elope.
So in conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eyed Joe I'd been married a long time ago where did he come from where did he go where did you come from cotton eyed joe
I’m dreading it.
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
"Nay."
Sans Gruber
"Lettuce get married."
It was a very romainetic ceremony.
They went to a justice of the peas.
He gave her a 24 carrot ring.
The reception couldn't be beet.
Not bad for a low-level celeryman.
It’s called Eau De Lay He Who!
That just blew my mind.
Me: Well, that’s your Uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. Never understood why.
Son: Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein
Me: That son of a bitch!
