What do you call a store that sells only bagels and donuts?

Hole Foods.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TalornCeleron
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Canadian who is kind of a jerk?

An eh-hole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ny8ry8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Daughter (complaining): :Daaaad, that's boring!" Son (overhearing end of conversation): "What's boring?"

Me (to son): digging holes in the ground.

mum: snigger

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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I always bring an extra pair of pants golfing...

...just in case I get a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sugar_Wolf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the best way to trap a polar bear?

First drill a hole in the ice and line it with green peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole!

(Told to me by my dad at dinner this evening)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megsie72
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My grandfather was an entertainer in a belt factory.

He’d walk from one area to the next, telling stories and jokes which built upon each other. Week after week, he kept the line workers entertained with his complex jokes. One day, he was fired when he forgot the hole punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eruditeredditor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Why didn't the pro golfer wear his golf shoes during the round? (Compliments of my stylist)

Because he's got a hole in one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smusac
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does a golfer always wear two pairs of pants?

In case he gets a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Why do stories have plot holes?

Like the holes in a container,

To let the the characters breathe and live.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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A conversation with my 11 year old this morning...

Son: Dad, there's a hole in your t-shirt. Me: I know, it's my religious t-shirt. Son: gives me a blank look Me: It's holy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthCoffeeBean
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I installed a new range hood for an oven

Wife: You need to knock out the vent hole.

Me: I think due to the pandemic, we should wait.

Wife: Why?

Me: The country is low on vent hole laters.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/8Heists
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been working on my thesis that Swiss cheese is the greatest of all cheese.

But my proctor keeps finding holes in it.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Excuse me, why are there only donuts, bagels, and swiss cheese at this store?

Sir this is a Hole Foods.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fathertime108
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How to catch a bear

First, dig a large hole and fill it with ashes.

Next, line the hole with green peas.

Then when the bear takes a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shartacuss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My 9 year old returns with another joke for you all!

What is the stupidest thing in the universe?

A black hole, because it's so dense!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valenshyne
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't Apple employees wear dress shirts?

Everyone at Apple hates buttons and holes, that's why they get rid of both on their new products...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JayFury55
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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Space

I have a joke about black holes but it Sucks

Sorry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnderJrack
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a whirlpool?

A hole lot of danger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToasterKing69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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After I joined the army, I served in a furious war of Iraq , when we came home, I was sent to jail, I don't understand why......

My lieutenant said , fire in the hole and I fired In his hole .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sabishaw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.

When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Two buddies decide to go ice-fishing one day.

So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.

Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"

"What was that?"

"It sounded like the voice of God!"

"Well let's try somewhere else."

They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:

"There are no fish here!"

So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:

"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeppermintBiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the saddest component of a building?

The weep holes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kha1i1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s a tool for every job

At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so it’s an odd request.

Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled β€œHeater?”.

Gary replies, β€œYeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing tool” as he crosses his arms and shivers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuclear-juniper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a really big hole and fill it with ashes. You line up peas around the edge. When an elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CASchryver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the golfer have an extra pair of trousers?

In case he got a hole in one!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Viral_Idiot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas

Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JosephsMythJr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and place a pea at the edge of the hole. Then you hide. When the polar bear stops to take a pea you kick it in the ice hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trusti360
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants

In case they get a hole in one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BurnedTatti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
When I go golfing, I always take an extra jacket

In case I get a hole in one.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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When I go golfing I always take an extra jacket...

In case I get a hole in one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do golfers wear two pairs of socks ?

In case they get a hole in one !

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
If you go golfing, make sure to wear two pair of pants

In case you get a hole in one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shalopalop
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was cleaning my finger gun the other day...

And shot a hole in my air guitar.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldSweep
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I took two pairs of socks golfing

In case I got a hole in one

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-m-meeseeks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?

In case they get a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SyncingShiip
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing

In case I get a hole in one

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you catch a polar bear?

First, you drill a hole in the ice then line it with peas. When the bear comes to take a pee, you kick him in the ice hole.

(My daughter's joke actually)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeadpoolOptimus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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