This eye pun couldn't be any cornea
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︎ Mar 23 2017
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︎ Apr 17 2017
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and heβd probably find him a lot quicker.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Mar 18 2021
What do you call a Jedi with four eyes?
π︎ 784
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︎ Apr 13 2021
My 7 year old, gazing in wide eyed wonder asked, "Is the Aurora Borealis heavy?"
I said, "No, it's pretty light. "
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︎ Apr 17 2021
Why did Hitler wear eye glasses?
Because without them he could Nazi.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jan 19 2021
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
But chick peas can only hummus one.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
I challenged my son, "Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. Whatβs left? Rolling his eyes, he sighed, "2." I yelled, NOPE!"
π︎ 479
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︎ Mar 13 2021
My dentist looks like my eye doctor
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︎ Mar 30 2021
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
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︎ Mar 14 2021
What did one eye say to the other?
"Between you and me, something smells."
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︎ Apr 14 2021
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I bought an onion. Cutting it burned my eyes so badly I went back to the store to complain.
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 16 2021
What do you call a fish with no eye?
π︎ 21
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︎ Apr 03 2021
I went to an Eye Doctor because I was having trouble seeing
I thought he would give me glasses, but he said he had a better solution and suddenly squirted ketchup into my eyes!
I was about to object, then realized I could see perfectly! I asked him how it worked, and he shrugged and said...
"Heinz-sight is 20/20"
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︎ Apr 15 2021
If you havenβt shot a weapon with your eyes closed
You donβt know what youβre missing.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.
As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.
They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.
One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:
"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"
She looked at him surprised and said:
"Well, you caught my eye."
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︎ Mar 22 2021
I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filling with tears. "Great!" I said.
"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
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︎ Mar 22 2021
Chemist n Plumber
π︎ 9k
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︎ Mar 28 2021
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
Iβll see myself out...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 01 2020
My eye doctor told me I have some of the worst vision of any of his clients today
Didn't see that one coming
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Past Your Eyes
My wife and I were grocery shopping a few years ago.
I am 6'6", she is 5'1".
She couldn't find something and asked for help.
I found it on an 'upper' shelf.
She said she hadn't seen it, and I said it was past-eur-ized. She looked blank, then her face lit up, and laughed.
It is a situation we will always share.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
My wife works in animal medicine and rolled her eyes at me. "Where does a vet who specializes in neutering live?"
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︎ Mar 20 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
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︎ Mar 26 2021
My son said, βI accidentally put ketchup in my eye. I should have been more careful.β
I said, βThatβs Heinz sight for you.β
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︎ Feb 13 2021
What did the ophthalmologist say to the man with a nail in his eye
I see what the problem is...Iβm gonna nail this one!
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︎ Apr 06 2021
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know thereβs no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Who DOESN'T enjoy a little eye candy on a Wednesday afternoon?
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once.
It was a evil idea in Heinz- sight.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 09 2021
What do you call an Alien with no eye?
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Did you hear about the teacher with two lazy eyes?
Didn't last more then a day, couldn't control his pupils.
π︎ 66
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︎ Mar 15 2021
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
π︎ 60
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes :(
Yeah, now I have Heinzsight.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
They are having a wheel problem at the station
π︎ 5k
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.
Q: What about a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs if you set it on fire?
A: Still no flaming eye deer.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?
They have no balls to scratch
π︎ 12
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 03 2021
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
My wife's eyes are so much more noticeable these days.
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︎ Feb 26 2021
What happened to the boy who got tomato sauce in his eyes?
Dunno. But he probably learnt his lesson because Heinz sight is 20/20!
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︎ Feb 23 2021
My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
Thatβs not a good sign.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Mar 10 2021
Howard
π︎ 8k
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︎ Mar 03 2021
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song but...
the Chick Peas can only humm us one!
π︎ 53
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︎ Apr 16 2021
The black eyed peas can sing us a tune
But the chick peas can only hummus one
π︎ 13
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︎ Apr 16 2021
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song...
But the Chickpeas can only hummus a tune.
π︎ 12
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︎ Apr 15 2021
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 30 2021
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
but the chick peas can only hummus one
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 15 2021
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
π︎ 44
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︎ Feb 15 2021
What did the left eye say to the right?
Just between you and me,
something smells.
π︎ 51
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︎ Mar 09 2021
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 17 2021
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