What did one eye say to the other?
"Between you and me, something smells."
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︎ Apr 14 2021
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I bought an onion. Cutting it burned my eyes so badly I went back to the store to complain.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I went to an Eye Doctor because I was having trouble seeing
I thought he would give me glasses, but he said he had a better solution and suddenly squirted ketchup into my eyes!
I was about to object, then realized I could see perfectly! I asked him how it worked, and he shrugged and said...
"Heinz-sight is 20/20"
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︎ Apr 15 2021
What did the ophthalmologist say to the man with a nail in his eye
I see what the problem is...Iβm gonna nail this one!
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︎ Apr 06 2021
Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
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︎ Mar 03 2021
What happened to the boy who got tomato sauce in his eyes?
Dunno. But he probably learnt his lesson because Heinz sight is 20/20!
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︎ Feb 23 2021
My contact lenses have been dry on my eyes when I put them in. I discovered a liquid to prevent it!
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︎ Mar 12 2021
Scientists have developed a microscopic needle that is too small to be seen by the naked eye...
I just don't see the point.
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︎ Jan 12 2021
The earliest memory I have is going to the doctor with my dad to get my eyes checked.
Things before that is a blur.
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Your honor is it illegal to throw sodium chloride in someone's eyes?
Judge: it's assault
I know it's a salt, is it a crime though?
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Just got an epic eye roll for this: My son was showing me his school work from math, where he was learning fractions. I pointed to where he wrote his name on a line at the top and asked what that fraction was.
I told him it should be {Sons Name} / Mommy. Since he came from her.
Then I said he could reduce that fraction further since he came from his mommy, that fraction would equal....
One Whole
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︎ Feb 20 2021
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
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︎ Dec 16 2020
My friend today is intentionally staring at the sun to cause eye damage.
Look on the bright side, today will be the last time he sees 2020....
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Why do detectives tend to scrutinize individuals with bluish eyes in cases of poisoning?
Because the real killer is usually cyan-eyed.
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.
It was his Jed Eye Master.
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︎ Jan 11 2021
I've just dissected an ox eye to see what's inside it.
It was an eye opening experience.
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︎ Jan 12 2021
My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.
I responded: So they can send the swat team.
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︎ Sep 18 2020
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
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︎ Jan 03 2021
A man asks a police officer if itβs a crime to throw sodium chloride in someoneβs eyes
Officer: βYes, thatβs assault!β
Man: βI know itβs a salt, but is it a crime?β
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︎ Nov 14 2020
I decided to rub ketchup in my eyes
In Heinz sight it wasnβt a good idea
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︎ Aug 19 2020
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!
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︎ Nov 21 2020
My 7 yo son's contribution: What has three eyes and can't see? (to be fair i's)
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︎ Sep 05 2020
Lawyer - Is it crime to throw salt in someone's eyes?
Judge - Yes, that's assault!
Lawyer - I know it's a salt but is it a crime?
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︎ Sep 25 2020
Every time my dad goes to the eye doctor, they ask him to read the smallest text on the chart out loud.
He says, "Printed in China."
This is a true story lol.
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︎ Jul 31 2020
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. βDo you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?β
βBecause we donβt need depth perception with our mouths β was his technically correct answer
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︎ Jun 29 2019
The director told me to follow the pencil with my eyes.
Honestly, I couldnβt see the point.
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︎ Sep 24 2020
I boasted to my son, "Did you know scientists discovered that the brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born?" He rolled his eyes and ignored me, but I carried on...
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︎ Aug 25 2020
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
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︎ Aug 01 2020
Eye did not see that coming to light so quick
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︎ Feb 25 2020
After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, "No hablo Ingles."
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︎ Jun 24 2020
I have a condition where my body is invisible to the naked eye.
I went to the doctor, and he said, "Sorry, I can't see you now."
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︎ Jun 09 2020
Her: Be mean to me. [heart eyes emoji] Him: You're average.
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Wife: what are your plans for today? Me: I am going to the eye doctor
And after that Iβll see
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︎ Jun 12 2020
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
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︎ Feb 15 2021
What did the left eye say to the right?
Just between you and me,
something smells.
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︎ Mar 09 2021
What did one eye say to the other eye?
"I think there's something in between us that smells"
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︎ Mar 09 2021
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
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︎ Mar 18 2021
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
From my son: what did one eye say to the other eye?
Don't look now, but there's something between us that smells.
I've never been so proud
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︎ Nov 05 2020
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me something smells
π︎ 73
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Is it a crime to throw NaCl on someone's eyes?
It's assault
I know it's a salt but is it a crime?
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Me: Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?
Person: Yes, that's assault.
Me: Yes I know it's a salt, but is it a crime?
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︎ Sep 09 2020
What did the eye say to the other eye?
Something between us smells.
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︎ Oct 03 2020
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
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︎ Sep 20 2020
What did the right eye say to the left one?
Between you and me man something smells
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︎ Jun 17 2020
What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells!
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︎ May 14 2020
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![Her: Be mean to me. [heart eyes emoji] Him: You're average.](https://i.redd.it/flqsfk21c8d51.jpg){kind=link}