He told me he used to have a glass eye, but that it had become infected. When he went to the doctor he was prescribed three eye drops each morning and evening. By the first morning though he’d dropped it so many times it had shattered!
Who knew she was able to breed unicornias
Eye Eye Captain
Currently in the car with my aunt, and she looked at a lady walking on the side of the road at about 8pm and said "Unless she has a gun I don't think she should be out here"
Me: "It looks like she has an eye patch, so she should be fine"
Aunt: "What's she going to do with wan eye patch?"
Me: "Hey, looks can kill"
crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"
She said "he's just going through a rough patch".
Stevie Plunder!
My wife is having a minor surgery tomorrow that will require her to wear an eye patch for a week. I need enough eye, patch, and pirate related puns to last me a week and eye've only got enough for two days tops. Can you help me?
Because they love to arrr-gue and never sea eye-to-eye(patch)
...and we were discussing first title he could watch on his new television.
Dad: "I think I'll watch 'Gravity' first"
Me: "I saw that one."
Dad: "Where did you see that?"
Me: "Pirate Bay."
Dad: "Was it in 3D?"
Me: "Nope. Pirate Bay doesn't have any movies in 3D."
Dad: "Why not?"
Me: "Because of the eye patches."
It took a few seconds for the penny to drop.
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit ➡One has the iPad and the other eye patch.
Credit to my brother, who is a dad.
Well he becomes irate! Dad told me this one on the way out of CVS when we saw a guy with an eye patch.
Girlfriends mom had eye surgery for her cataracts today, she has to wear an eye patch until it heals.
Nurse to girlfriends dad: "So you're giving her a ride home today?"
Girlfriends dad: "Yeah, I couldn't find a parrot to give her directions."
In the dining room during lunch after giving my elder residents desert which was Angel food cake, everyone noticed that the cake was very flat and thin.
One of the ladies said "This is no angel food cake, this is...."
Without missing a beat, this old man with a patch on his right eye interrupts the little old woman and says at the top of his lungs in a raspy, yet clear tone , "I'll tell you what this is!. It's a fallen angel!"
Everyone in the dining room laughed uncontrollably. Not him. He just shakes his head and digs into the cake.
I immediately thought of you guys.
