A couple gets exposed to radiation at Chernobyl, call that a toxic relationship
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laclotaclo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.

So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xknav3x
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Exposed

Girl: I love to laugh...tell me a pun Me: I'll expose you to so many puns you'll have to call it punography

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wrinkly_rooster96
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to Covid-19

The virus will be quarantined for 14 days

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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Why did your mom allow you to be exposed to preventable illnesses?

Because they're not Karen for you

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Just read an article about the top ten exposed electrical circuits.

One through ten will shock you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ratokeshi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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A couple was having an argument about leaving some roof trusses exposed when they remodeled their house.

They had some real truss issues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UsernameExMachina
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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Walking around with my toes exposed

feels a little sandalous.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DINC44
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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Five hundred people were exposed to ten different puns, to see if any of them made the subject laugh.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/popularvote
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
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Since I was little my dad exposed me to a lot of dad jokes.

I've groan a lot since then.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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The illegal tennis equipment market was finally exposed.

Took a while to bust the racket.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoHandedShanks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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A man exposed himself to two old ladies outside work today!

one of them had a stroke... the other couldn't reach

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frzr-csgo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
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Don’t expose yourself to loud frequencies for too long...

Trust me, it Hz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A report just came out exposing how the government's mishandling of an explosive object could've caused the deaths of hundreds of civilians

It was a bombshell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MRTJ115
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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My local paper has done amazing work in exposing corruption in our local chicken farms.

They deserve a pullet-zer prize.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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My dad saw an ad for game with heavily armed animals. He asked me what they gave the naked mole rats.

I told him stealth gear and a go bag. He is an exposed double agent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chiefmudbear
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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My dentist promised me he won't expose any of my treatments...

He said they're all confidental

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Eduardo Moreno tried to crash his train into a Navy hospital ship to expose a supposed conspiracy

That’s a crime with a loco motive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shantron5000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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A flasher sees three old ladies on a park bench. He walks up and exposes himself. The first one had a stroke. The second one had a stroke.

The third one couldn’t, her arms were too short.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tupacwolverine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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Someone tried to expose corruption in my elevator company.

I told them "You're going down."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonLordMammon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Yes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VinceDC
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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I invented a new myth to delight my kids

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.

Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Even When He's Alone...

So I'm near our kitchen (but not in it), and my dad is in there by himself. In the middle of the silence I just hear him say "Tupperware? Tupperhere!" And just start giggling to himself. Amazing how they do it even when they're alone... Edit: Thank you so much for the gold!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWetzel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2014
🚨︎ report
I asked my priest for advice

My buddy has a bad back so I often go over his house to help his wife with yard work or moving furniture, etc. Currently, were all home because of the quarantine so it seems like the perfect time to get some things done.

Well, I've been isolated for a week and I have no reason to think I've been exposed, but I was a little anxious cause I have had a bit of a scratchy throat these past two days.

So I asked my priest if he thought it was okay to go over and help my buddy's wife with some yard work.

He replied, "do not covid your neighbors wife."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerHikes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The tides have turned
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barl03
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Gay couples shouldn't be allowed to raise children

It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JelDeRebel
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Choking Puns, STAT!

A female friend of mine has a sexual fantasy of being choked during sex (which she exposed during a drunken... "moment"), I am a bad person and find great pleasure in exploiting this via subtle public humiliation! SO, what choking puns have we got to offer?! I'd think of my own but I go to say them and I just choke...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeow91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
🚨︎ report
No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
The defendant used his body to make the shape of the letter X in front of the plaintiff

The plaintiff got exposed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Being polite

When women wear bikinis they expose 90% of their body I'm polite I only look at the covered parts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imag6731
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a goose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b0ard2death
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2015
🚨︎ report
A reporter nearly erupts.

So a news anchor is interviewing the avatar of a hawaiian volcano, a man made of molten rock. The interview goes well, but the volcano god cant' seem to stop staring at the reporter's chest with his eyes of burning, liquid stone. She plays it cool, but waits for the interview to be over to call the spirit on his rude actions. He looks her in the eyes, then points to her exposed microphone, clipped to her lapelle. "What do you call that," he asks.

It's a Lavalier mic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/necrotechnical
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
🚨︎ report
A collection of my fathers best.

I was showing my dad some pictures from my trip to Europe. He saw a picture of a rock covered with moss and said, "I'm lichen that!"

For Christmas dinner we were having ham. The plate of carved ham was between my dad and I. Someone asked where the plate went. My dad says,"We're hoggin' it."

There was a store in my home town called carols cedar cellar. It was damaged in a flood and they knocked the building down exposing the basement. We drive by and my dad says,"Now you can cedar cellar."

I have so much to learn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roostermathis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Do you know what the worst thing about the orange juice industry is?

Its all the pressure the oranges are exposed to.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eriikok
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
🚨︎ report
My grandma just sent a chain email full of these. I'll just copy and paste them.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Here goes...

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/All_Hail_Dionysus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad had this marine themed anti-vaxxer zinger last night.

We were watching a documentary about the ocean. At one point they described the process of clown fish "vaccinating" themselves to the sting of the anemone by exposing themselves to it from birth.

My dad: "Jenny McCarpy is outraged."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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Drive And Neutral

My dad and I do asbestos removal on natural gas pipelines. The people we were working for were debating if they needed us to stick around for them to expose another pipe or not. They decided that we could just come back another day. My dad then says to the guys in his fake southern twang he puts on every time we work outside of Chicago, "It's a dang good thing you guys decided against us staying. My truck seems to work fine during the Day, but every time I shift to N for night time mode it doesn't seem to want to go anywhere. I'd hate to get stuck out here." All of the older guys loved it and I just stared and shook my head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haines28
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Chuck Norris has been exposed to Coronavirus (COVID-19)

The Virus is now in quarantine for 14 days

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingafried
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report

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