But most of all I can’t wait to meter.
Wednesday is open Mike night.
It's all about the boundaries
It was a shih tzu.
I’ll no longer have to lean over the counter just to hear what my pharmacist is saying.
I’m feeling cannelloni right now.
I said, “That’s great, but do you have any real-lets?”
To go to the store
But you gotta fight for your right to Part E.
However, you need to Romaine calm!
She got a new heavy-gauge wok that she had her eye on for a while. I asked her if she remembered to get the special footwear for it.
She looked puzzled for a moment. Then she sighed and said, "Okay, lay it on me. Tell me your dad joke."
I said, "I don't know what you mean by that, but it is my understanding that they have boots that are made for wokking."
Because they are events of great magnitude!
K………….? So………..?
I’m on knights all next week
Because it’s the closest thing I’m gonna get to having a father figure in my life.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
it was low-key.
Because, they’re a WOO! man.
they dig it!!
He wet his plants.
It will be in tents!
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
My friend said it would be intents.
I responded, "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad!"
But seriously though, we are expecting our first. I've been mildly panicking since she told me, but we're both very excited!
Edit: thank you everyone for the kind words, advice, tips, suggestions, and awards!
I think I'm going to wet my plants.
Because he heard it had already blown several transformers.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡We're closing on full tank of gasoline this weekend.
"Stairs don't talk!"
My caulk's never been harder!
I wonder which one of them she'll cook first.
It’s SEWIN’ TENTS!
Tuesday is open Mike night!
Tuesday is open Mike night!
I’ve always wanted to meet Jack/Nichole’s son!
