Jesus told Peter, "Come forth and ye shall have eternal life"

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImmaMess13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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just came across this pun thread from an eternity ago, seriously,, it was worth Peru-sing
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?

A bae-blade.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquigglesMcJiggly
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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And god said to John β€œcome forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”

But John came in fifth and only got a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Drip is eternal
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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How would a socially awkward adult go about emerging from a lair of eternal loneliness?

(Asking for a friend)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texas_OT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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Never get caught behind Satan in line at the post office.

The Devil has many forms

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFishmanau
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I asked my math teacher why dad jokes last forever...

His answer was p*eternal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dleewee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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I was complaining about being pregnant, saying I felt like I would be pregnant for all eternity.

To which my dad replied, "You mean all maternity?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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Why do vampires seem sick?

They're always coffin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Odinnextgen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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Eternal Damnation
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marsroverII
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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After waiting in line for what felt like an eternity, I started to feel like a bad doctor.

I just kept losing my patience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ellasinwonderland
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sint__Maarten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Today I learned I will assume my final form and will he becoming a dad in December.

Probably name my kid Luke so I can remind him who I am for the rest of eternity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/macbeezy_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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Bob Hope captured in the air on film. We now know for certain that Hope springs eternal.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T618
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
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What does a toeless veteran dad say to his son?

He has lack-toes intolerance.

I-I'll see myself out. Just like the dad on his eternal quest for milk-

Sorry, I need to stop milking this joke. Feel free to kick my dairy-ere out the door.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/animeten10
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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What happens to hillbilly buddhists when they die?

Reintarnation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scratchie_Chan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2017
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A man storms into a crowded bar with a loaded handgun...

Enraged, he raises the pistol into the air and shouts, "which one of you bastards had sex with my wife?!"

The bar falls silent. After what seems like an eternity, a man in the back replies:

"You don't have enough bullets!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFirstArknight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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Dad's joke about a socially awkward friend

talking with parents after a gathering

Mum: I feel bad for John, he's so antisocial.

Dad: Yeah, he's like an eternal flame!

Me: Eternal flame? What?

Dad: He never goes out!

Mum and I burst out laughing while dad grins proudly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma112
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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A never-ending natural supply of beer?

Hops springs eternal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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Recently found out Hell was made of demon beaver homes?

So that's what they meant by eternal dam nation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarfhero
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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Jesus said unto John. Come forth and receive eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JSmithy46
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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And god said to John, come forth and receive eternal life

But he cane fifth and won a toaster

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dildo_Swaginns
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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And the Lord said unto John "come fourth and receive eternal life"

But he came fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IwantaWeasel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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...and God said "come forth and I will grant you eternal life."

But I came fifth and just got a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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And the Lord said unto John: Come forth and you will receive eternal life.

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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And Jesus said "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennedystyle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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God said to John " come forth and receive eternal life"

But he came fifth and won a toaster

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pg13saisgoodbye
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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The Lord said to John: Come forth and receive eternal life.

But, John came 5th and got a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rasberryjam5151
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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Jesus said "come forth and receive eternal life"

But Paul came fifth and got a toaster

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkTheBag112
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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The Lord told John to come forth and he will receive eternal life

He came fifth and got a toaster

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarinreach-L
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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The lord told John to come forth and he shall have eternal life.

But he came in fifth and got a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noobmaster69696
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
And god said to John come forth and receive eternal life

But he came fifth and won a toaster

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πŸ‘€︎ u/camilodmoreno
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".

John came fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKrabs7382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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And the Lord said onto John " Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life."

But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stewie19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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Then God said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life"

He came fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryuushinng
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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God said to John, "come fourth and you will receive eternal life",

John came fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeJash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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God said: come fourth John and win eternal life

John came fifth and won a toaster!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommyBoi69696969
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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God told John come fourth and receive eternal life...

But John came fifth and got a toaster

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARandomGuy678
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
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God said to Tom "Come fourth and receive eternal life."

Instead Tom came fifth and received a toaster

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twizzlerwhipped
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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Jesus said, come forth and I'll give you eternal life

Peter came fifth and he won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wayne80s
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
And God said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and ended up with a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fcsquire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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And the Lord said unto John; "Come forth and receive eternal life!"

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MsCynical
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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*...and the Lord said unto John, "Go forth and you shall have eternal life."*

....but John got fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
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God said "Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkification
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2016
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And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2014
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