Saw this on the drive home
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plowby
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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why couldn't the bee drive home?

It was a little bit buzzed

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sethnosespiders
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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Got to hear this one during the drive home

Dad: "This morning was really great; it was an orchestra."

Me: "What do you mean by that?"

Dad: "I had two movements."

Brother: sigh

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradStudley
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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I ran over a kitten on the drive home...

Really nailed it, poor thing went flying. My seven year old son says from the passenger seat, "Dad, that was.... CATastrophic."

Felt bad for the cat, but pretty damn proud of my son.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunstoned1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screen shots.

πŸ‘︎ 465
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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I was driving to the airport to catch my flight when I saw a sign that said β€œAirport Left” so I turned around and went home.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devnodegree
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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I was driving home from work when I was overtaken by a guy speeding.

I thought, "How irresponsible can you be? Almost making me drop my beer."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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Dad-joked my own Father while we were driving home.

My Dad and I were watching "Iron Man" on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi.

Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car.

Me: Meh, I don't like it.

Dad: You don't like the Audi?

Me: Nope.

Dad: Get out.

Me: You want me to get Audi your car?

Dad: ΰ² _ΰ² 

The groan he emitted was magnificent.

Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so. Thank you for the concern!

πŸ‘︎ 781
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaylorAlexis
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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I also have a first home grown dad joke! I was driving behind a Subaru yesterday...

It didn't Impreza me much.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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As a dad I was proud of this one driving home from the eye doctor

Son: The doctor said I need to be sure to change my contacts every two weeks so my eyes don't get irritated. But I'm bad with setting reminders.

Dad: Just eyeball it.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeattleMana
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
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I have finally made it

I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time β€œdad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sageyban
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Driving home a bit quick my dad said he's bred for speed

I told him to be careful or he'd be toast.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealdeancheese
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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Dad told me this one last night

Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says β€œdid you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.

It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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Driving home, with the old man.

After doing errands and such, my father and I are driving home, when we both see a sign.

Dad: "Hey look. A garage sale. We should check it out. We could use another garage."

Oh dad...

πŸ‘︎ 290
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lotrtrilogy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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This year for Christmas, im going to buy a map for Chris Rea ...

He seems a bit lost, he's been driving home for Christmas since 1986

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/endmepleasehhh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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What’s Dominic Cummings’ favourite christmas song?

Driving home for christmas.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-guille-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Got my GF while driving home from rock climbing

We were driving by a farm (shocker, I live in a rural area) and this exchanged happened.

Her: Awe that horse is starring at the group of horses in the other field. They must want a horse friend.

Me: Why? They'd just horse around all day.

Her: ..... ugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hooks_And_Needles
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2016
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And I'm not even a dad!

This actually just happened!!!

I was driving my 14yo home, and I was complaining because I recently hurt my shoulder.

Me: Ow, my shoulder is trash

Him: Maybe you'll have to amputate your arm

Me: That wouldn't help because I'd still have a stump to waive around. They'd have to amputate it at the shoulder.

Him: They wouldn't really do that, would they?

Me: Yep

Him: Baloney

Me: No, that would be down here and pointed to my shin

Then he started crying :-) I can die happy now!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/impostershop
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Driving home from a bubble run

We're all ridiculously tired and the father peeps up "Looks like everyone's bubble burst"

My sigh was strong.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brandon539
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2015
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My dad got a ticket driving home

Dad: "You'll never believe what happened to me today driving home!"

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Well, I was driving down a back road home from work. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was still shining, a slight breeze was rustling the trees, and all the leaves had changed colors. Yellow, orange, red... just a gorgeous view. I was doing about 55, not a car in sight, when I come around a bend and see a cop car parked on the side of the road. I slowed down, but tried not to slow down so quickly that it would be obvious. I carefully drove up past the cop, being extra careful to stay centered within the lines and maintaining my lower speed. It looked like I was all clear, but then from out of nowhere a turkey jumped out in front of my car! I didn't even have a chance to brake!"

Me: "Jeez that's crazy!"

Dad: "I know! It hit the front of my car, rolled up over the windshield and did a somersault before landing directly onto the hood of the officer's car. He immediately turned on his lights and pulled me over and gave me a ticket."

Me: "What?? But that's not your fault! It was the turkey! What did he even give you a ticket for?"

Dad: "He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird. Hahahaha!"

Me: -___-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoopaSte123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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got wife driving home with fam from a fall festival

Me: "That was fun. I used to be addicted to these things"

Wife: "Addicted?"

Me: "Until I tried the pumpkin patch"

Wife: *silent no-u-didnt stare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xstreamly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2016
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What kind of rocks are sour?

Limestone! This was made up in the car by my 8 year old son as we were driving home from our Fathers Day outing. Promised I'd share it.

πŸ‘︎ 764
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnkirk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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Driving home: hey dad, it's kinda warm in here...

Do you mind if I crack the window?

Just open it, like a normal person.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
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While driving home from vacation

My dad was driving, I was in the passenger seat. It was a long drive, so I took a little nap. When I woke up:

Dad:"Did you have a good nap?"

Me:"Yeah."

Dad:"Me too."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scipio33
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
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Warning!

Be aware We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) I went to pick it up last night and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ... And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weedwacker01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Driving by a funeral home

My dad says, "People are dying to get in there."

Then a moment later, "They're so busy they're buried."

Couldn't resist laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2015
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Just got my boyfriend while driving home for Thanksgiving.

Me: Are we allowed to crate through work zones?

Him: What?

Me: Are we allowed to crate through work zones?

Him: I don't even know what you're saying...

Me: Well I just saw a sign that said 'Don't barrel through work zones', so can we crate through them?

Him:... Get out. Get out of my car.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riyomiharu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
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My Dad and I were driving home from my wisdom teeth surgery.

Me: "Do we have any apple sauce?"
Dad: "Yeah."
Me: "Sweet."
Dad: "No, it's the unsweetened kind."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asemikey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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My Dad was driving me home from our Grandparent's house when he dropped this one on me.

"Dad, the dashboard says the trunk is ajar."

-"Ajar? How can it be a jar? It's a trunk."

I loudly exhaled through my nose and just looked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PantsOfAwesome
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
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I was driving home with my dad today....

When we pass by a man on the street who looks like a Hispanic version of Shia Lebeouf. I point it out to my dad, and he looks at me with a smirk on his face.

"So would that make him Shia El Beouf?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MakotoSan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2014
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While driving home from school on a partly cloudy day

Me: (looks up) Wow! There's not a single cloud in the sky!

Daughter: (looks up) What are you talking about?

Me: There's not.

Daughter: Dad, there are like... (gets it) Daughter: (scowls)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/resonantSoul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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Driving home from the doctor's office...

I was given a brace to wear on my knee so my dad was driving. We were coming up to a traffic light when my dad braked and said "Brace yourself!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evilkittens
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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My father said this as we were driving past a funeral home.

http://imgur.com/pBRxr3r

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jride13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2014
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So me and my pops were driving home from work...

and I see this girl running back and forth, doing some sort of sport training. I pipe up and say, "this girl is doing suicides."

Now my dad only saw her for a split second running towards the street, which made him say, "More like suicide attempts."

Classic dad

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niarendan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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E.T.

My wife and I driving to work one morning:

Me: That tow company is called E.T. Towing Wife: I wonder if the driver's name is Elliott. Me: I wonder if E.T. tows home. Wife: ... Me: You're welcome.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anaginggamer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.

Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
While driving home with my mum.

I saw a dead animal at the side of the road but I couldn't tell quite what it was because it looked like a brown bushy dog. So, I asked my mum "what was that" and she told me that it was a badger.

After that she then told me "I was gonna say it's dead". Should've really followed through with the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tkeign
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Driving home with my grandma.

I ask my grandma "do you remember how to play gin? She said "I don't know but I know how to drink it."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luigiknights
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2015
🚨︎ report

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