It was a little bit buzzed
Dad: "This morning was really great; it was an orchestra."
Me: "What do you mean by that?"
Dad: "I had two movements."
Brother: sigh
Really nailed it, poor thing went flying. My seven year old son says from the passenger seat, "Dad, that was.... CATastrophic."
Felt bad for the cat, but pretty damn proud of my son.
Once we stopped, I turned to them and said, "Look what you just made me do!!!!"
Nevermind, I said in a stern voice. After a moment of silence she asked me if I had a bad day (hesitation in her voice). I asked Google to start playing the album.
And my cellphone chimed in "Turn left in 160 meters..." despite the fact that that I was on the quickest route home...
I couldn't help myself, I raged against the GPS machine and screamed "Fuck you I won't turn where you tell me!"
Lena could not leave them on the side of the road so they scooped the babies up and put them in the car. As they drove the baby skunks managed to make their way from the floor up Lena's dress and settled on her lap. Lena looked at Ole and said "the skunks are under my dress". Ole said "Zat's OK dear zey are settled down". Lena said "Vhat about the smell?". Ole said, "Oh, don't worry dear they will get used to it!"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
A taxi
My Dad and I were watching "Iron Man" on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi.
Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car.
Me: Meh, I don't like it.
Dad: You don't like the Audi?
Me: Nope.
Dad: Get out.
Me: You want me to get Audi your car?
Dad: ΰ² _ΰ²
The groan he emitted was magnificent.
Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so. Thank you for the concern!
I thought, "How irresponsible can you be? Almost making me drop my beer."
It takes screen shots.
Son: The doctor said I need to be sure to change my contacts every two weeks so my eyes don't get irritated. But I'm bad with setting reminders.
Dad: Just eyeball it.
After doing errands and such, my father and I are driving home, when we both see a sign.
Dad: "Hey look. A garage sale. We should check it out. We could use another garage."
Oh dad...
It didn't Impreza me much.
I told him to be careful or he'd be toast.
We were driving by a farm (shocker, I live in a rural area) and this exchanged happened.
Her: Awe that horse is starring at the group of horses in the other field. They must want a horse friend.
Me: Why? They'd just horse around all day.
Her: ..... ugh.
We're all ridiculously tired and the father peeps up "Looks like everyone's bubble burst"
My sigh was strong.
Dad: "You'll never believe what happened to me today driving home!"
Me: "What?"
Dad: "Well, I was driving down a back road home from work. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was still shining, a slight breeze was rustling the trees, and all the leaves had changed colors. Yellow, orange, red... just a gorgeous view. I was doing about 55, not a car in sight, when I come around a bend and see a cop car parked on the side of the road. I slowed down, but tried not to slow down so quickly that it would be obvious. I carefully drove up past the cop, being extra careful to stay centered within the lines and maintaining my lower speed. It looked like I was all clear, but then from out of nowhere a turkey jumped out in front of my car! I didn't even have a chance to brake!"
Me: "Jeez that's crazy!"
Dad: "I know! It hit the front of my car, rolled up over the windshield and did a somersault before landing directly onto the hood of the officer's car. He immediately turned on his lights and pulled me over and gave me a ticket."
Me: "What?? But that's not your fault! It was the turkey! What did he even give you a ticket for?"
Dad: "He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird. Hahahaha!"
Me: -___-
I saw a dead animal at the side of the road but I couldn't tell quite what it was because it looked like a brown bushy dog. So, I asked my mum "what was that" and she told me that it was a badger.
After that she then told me "I was gonna say it's dead". Should've really followed through with the joke.
Do you mind if I crack the window?
Just open it, like a normal person.
Me: "That was fun. I used to be addicted to these things"
Wife: "Addicted?"
Me: "Until I tried the pumpkin patch"
Wife: *silent no-u-didnt stare
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
My dad was driving, I was in the passenger seat. It was a long drive, so I took a little nap. When I woke up:
Dad:"Did you have a good nap?"
Me:"Yeah."
Dad:"Me too."
I ask my grandma "do you remember how to play gin? She said "I don't know but I know how to drink it."
My dad says, "People are dying to get in there."
Then a moment later, "They're so busy they're buried."
Couldn't resist laughing.
Me: Are we allowed to crate through work zones?
Him: What?
Me: Are we allowed to crate through work zones?
Him: I don't even know what you're saying...
Me: Well I just saw a sign that said 'Don't barrel through work zones', so can we crate through them?
Him:... Get out. Get out of my car.
Driving home after a long week and had been driving for five hours or so on two lane roads through NM and AZ. Hour south of Petrified Forest and see four sheep on the side of the road.
Me: Son see those sheep? There must be a break in the fence and they are wandering away from their ranch.
Son: Well, that sounds baaaad.
Me: "Do we have any apple sauce?"
Dad: "Yeah."
Me: "Sweet."
Dad: "No, it's the unsweetened kind."
My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said βthatβs a nice car huh?β And he replies βwhat car? All I see are wheels.β It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.
"Dad, the dashboard says the trunk is ajar."
-"Ajar? How can it be a jar? It's a trunk."
I loudly exhaled through my nose and just looked away.
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time βdad Iβm hungryβ and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
When we pass by a man on the street who looks like a Hispanic version of Shia Lebeouf. I point it out to my dad, and he looks at me with a smirk on his face.
"So would that make him Shia El Beouf?"
Me: (looks up) Wow! There's not a single cloud in the sky!
Daughter: (looks up) What are you talking about?
Me: There's not.
Daughter: Dad, there are like... (gets it) Daughter: (scowls)
I was given a brace to wear on my knee so my dad was driving. We were coming up to a traffic light when my dad braked and said "Brace yourself!"
http://imgur.com/pBRxr3r
and I see this girl running back and forth, doing some sort of sport training. I pipe up and say, "this girl is doing suicides."
Now my dad only saw her for a split second running towards the street, which made him say, "More like suicide attempts."
Classic dad
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘Limestone! This was made up in the car by my 8 year old son as we were driving home from our Fathers Day outing. Promised I'd share it.
A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and Iβm not even sure where I got it from...
