Drive By Puns

Speak now or forever hold your pee

I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"

In unison dead pan my wife and mother: “all of them”

Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?

Me: SEAHORSE!!!

kids: what? Where?

I point to the horse in the field: see? Horse!

Drives by cemetery Dad: "You see that?" points to cemetery Everyone:" What?" Dad: "They had to put up a barb wire fence because everyone was dying to get in!"

"I don't know"

"All of them"

"I'm telling r/dadjokes"

A fellow group leader and I were speed copying names of our girls' parents to make the check out process easier later in the day. I told her "You're behind! You need to catch up!" A random dad walking by simply remarked "AND mustard!" and continued on. It took me a second, but I laughed hysterically.

clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG BANG clipclopclipclopclipclopclipclop

I was in Kroger when a guy and his young daughter walked past me towards the ice cream aisle. His daughter was suggesting they get some orange sherbet, and I could barely hear him mutter, "Sure, Bert." Absolutely made my day.

...I turn to my wife and ask, "do you think they sell napkins there?"

"You know why there is a fence around it? Because people are dying to get in"

Dad: do you know how many people are dead in there?

All of them.

Dad: "Do you know how many people are dead in there?"

Me: "No, how many?"

Dad: "All of them."

Dad: "How come there's a fence around the cemetery?" Me: "I dunno..." Dad: "People are 'dying' to get in!"

Every. Single. Time.