A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you don’t turn your back on family.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Do you feel that r/puns should have a feature where someone posts an image and everyone tries to makes puns about it(the image) in the comment section?
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
You do realize that it's biblically correct for a man to make the coffee. Haven't you ever read the book,
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...
I asked you to pretreat those pants, you better not try to make the puppy do it..
or else I'ma start singing "WHO LENT THE DOG ZOUT"
(Alright I think these are out of my system... no promises)
This happened with me today morning. My phone's headphone jack isn't working so I asked my dad what to do about it.
He said, "Let's get a headphone Jill, then!"
Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court?
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
The Titanic II is a modern-day replica of the RMS Titanic and is scheduled to set sail in 2022. It's creators do not believe it will relive the tragedy of it's predecessor because
that was an ice-olated incident.
What do you call it when an older married gay couple make it a rule to go out at least once every 2 weeks?
What do you call it when a transgender interpreter is late to work?
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
My closet has a weird smell to it. Do you know what mothballs smell like?
Next question. How did you get their little legs to spread?
Why do you have to be careful when it’s raining cats and dogs?
You have to be careful that you don’t step in a poodle.
What do you call it when you throw a middle aged woman off a building and they come back to you?
What do you say to a cow when its in the road
My young son and I were having our first discussion about drugs. He was curious about why people would do drugs in the first place, and I told him that many people do it because it produces different feelings of euphoria. He asked, "what's euphoria?" I told him that it was hard to explain...
But it's a feeling somewhere between euthreeia and eufiveia.
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it is to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.
My wife said, “I can’t seem to find my datebook. Do you know where it is?”
I said, “Sounds like... you have a hidden agenda.”
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: “Ugh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”
“That was pepper spray.”
Got me!
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
What do people who like to annoy grammar snobs call it when you leave the Great Lakes unprotected?
I am trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike, but he still can't seem to do it
I guess it must be sprocket science
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
Suggest to post here, I HAVANT an idea how well it will do
What do you call it when you want to have the same breakfast every day?
What do you call it when two spies named james try to become friends?
I overheard my USB drive plotting to do evil things to me ever since I unplugged it improperly from a computer.
It has become very corrupt.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
How much soda do you have to drink before it tastes like birds?
Two melons decide they want to get married. One suggests they do it in Vegas...
The other says "I'm sorry my mother always said, 'You cantaloupe.'"
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
Yesterday someone told me that whatever job I do at my bank isn't a fancy one, so I decided to do something about it.
I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.
Imma wall street banker now
Apparently there’s a group down the street that’s amazing at grabbing things, but they refuse to do it when I’m around.
They never seize to amaze me
I found mushrooms growing from the bathroom ceiling in my NYC apartment (typical) and called my dad to see what I should do about it.
He immediately said, “Well, I wouldn’t eat them.”
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework.” Selfish woman...
...it took me hours to mop that carpet.
Wife: I’m not in the mood to do my homework. Me: Just phone it in and do C-work. Wife: I don’t know how to do C-Work.
Me: step 1, buy a boat.
Just happened. Not an official dad yet but she’s 6 months pregnant. Got to get the practice in while I can.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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