Seeing a car driving in the wrong direction, a man helpfully calls out, "Hey - it's one way!"

"Don't worry.." the driver cheerfully called back, "... I'm only going one way!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uglypaperhaver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2022
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Which direction does Matthew McConaughey go when driving in a circle?

All right, All right

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adiizzyy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2022
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So the Mandelorian is driving and his wife keeps on bugging him about the directions. β€œYou should turn here. You should turn there. Why didn’t you make that turn!”

He responds, β€œThis is the Way.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onceknownasmike
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2022
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Everytime someone asks me why I drive out to the country on the weekends, I tell them directly that I go to punch the biggest trees I can find

I don't like beating around the bush

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ok-Ship-7694
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2022
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While I was driving, my wife said, β€œYou have no sense of direction, do you?”

I said, β€œWhere did that come from?”

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions, she laugh at me...

So I just right her left there.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvanThepuncake
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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My dad is driving our car using a GPS for directions and...

We are directed to turn right by the GPS.

GPS - "Bear right."

Dad - "There is a bear to the right!"

Everybody in the car just sighs and he just chuckles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZazuGoesHam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
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Driving to a hospital i had never been to before, girlfriend's mom was giving directions.

Driving down the road the hospital entrance in question was on:

Me: So where do i need to turn in to get there?

Her: See that Harold's sign there, the big star?

Me: Yeah...

Her: Drive right past it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spectre100
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
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A Dublin man with 50 monkeys in the back of his truck brakes down on the motorway.

Luckily, he was soon able to flag down a passing Kerryman driving an empty truck. β€œListen mate,” he says, β€œI’ve got to take these monkeys to the zoo pronto, but I’m stuck here until the AA arrive, any chance you could do me a favour? Here’s Β£50 for your trouble.”

β€œNo problem,” says the Kerryman, β€œjust load them up and I’ll be away.”

Well, a while later the Dub is just about to drive away, when he spots the same Kerryman driving in the opposite direction still with the monkeys in his truck.

More confused than angry the Dublin fella high tails it and eventually flags the Kerryman down.

β€œHey mate, I thought I gave you Β£50 to take these monkeys to the zoo!” He said

β€œSure you did,” said the Kerryman, β€œBut I had a little left over, so now we’re going to the cinema.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevilDance2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2022
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Does anyone know if you need a current licence....

....to drive a electric car?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2022
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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I've never known if my Dad was being a troll, or a Dad

I was driving with my permit and my Dad was in the passenger seat. He is notoriously good with directions (and at the time I was unfamiliar with our whereabouts), we are approaching a dead end stop sign (I can only turn left or right). I proceed to ask my dad about 30 yards away from the intersection if it was faster to go left or right (to our destination) he simply replies "yes."

Anytime I bring it up now he just chuckles and changes the subject.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TooMuchJokes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2013
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Ice-Cream Puns

What happens after you eat an entire gallon of β€œAll Natural” ice cream? You get Breyer’s remorse!


How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.


How do astronauts eat their ice creams? In floats!


What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a’la mode.


What does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.


Why don’t they make ice cream from breast milk? It’s an udderly bad idea!


Where is the best place to get an ice cream? IN A SUNDAY SCHOOL.


What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What’s the scoop


Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.


Your evil stepdad isn’t β€œpresidential” just because he got you ice cream and told you things would change after

beating the shit out of you.


In 1973 my dad left to get ice cream and never came back. Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.


If my house catches fire after I’ve sat down with a bowl of ice cream, I’m going down like the goddamn captain of a ship.


I try not to judge people based on first impressions but if I see you put gummy bears on your ice cream stay away from me and my family.


Guy on my train: a crowded Amtrak on a freezing day is the right time and place for me to enjoy a big ass ice cream cone


What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream


What happens after you eat an entire gallon of β€œAll Natural” ice cream? You get Breyer’s remorse!


How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.


How do astronauts eat their ice creams? In floats!


What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a’la mode.


The new Baywatch Official Trailer reminds me that bathing suit season is right around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the ice cream truck.


You can buy eel-flavored ice cream in Japan.I guess if you are out of chocolate and vanilla.


Being in a long term relationship and seeing your partner naked is like driving a hearse that plays ice cream truck music. Mixed emotions


I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.


MC Hammer eats a lot of ice cream every day because as a kid his parents told him, β€œU Can’t Touch This”


On May 2nd a drunk driver almost ended my life.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad got a ticket driving home

Dad: "You'll never believe what happened to me today driving home!"

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Well, I was driving down a back road home from work. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was still shining, a slight breeze was rustling the trees, and all the leaves had changed colors. Yellow, orange, red... just a gorgeous view. I was doing about 55, not a car in sight, when I come around a bend and see a cop car parked on the side of the road. I slowed down, but tried not to slow down so quickly that it would be obvious. I carefully drove up past the cop, being extra careful to stay centered within the lines and maintaining my lower speed. It looked like I was all clear, but then from out of nowhere a turkey jumped out in front of my car! I didn't even have a chance to brake!"

Me: "Jeez that's crazy!"

Dad: "I know! It hit the front of my car, rolled up over the windshield and did a somersault before landing directly onto the hood of the officer's car. He immediately turned on his lights and pulled me over and gave me a ticket."

Me: "What?? But that's not your fault! It was the turkey! What did he even give you a ticket for?"

Dad: "He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird. Hahahaha!"

Me: -___-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoopaSte123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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So the football stadium at my university is located across the railroad tracks from a very old cemetery...

My family comes up to visit and see the campus and as we drive down the road between the stadium and the cemetery I mentioned to them how hard it is to get tickets this year. Pointing in the direction of the cemetery, my dad proceeds to say "oh I bet they're just dying to get in!"

Groans all around.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OutgoingBuffalo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2015
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My First One on wife and daughter

The family and I stopped in at local store to buy some things. Driving home from store I hear an "oh no!" from the back seat. My daughter was holding a new bottle of bleach on her lap and I guess the lid wasn't on tight and it spilled a little on her skirt. We get home and she and my wife are working diligently on trying to prevent any stains from forming on her black skirt.

Me: "I hope you understand if I say I hope things don't turn out all white"

Wife: disgusted and odd stare in my direction.

Daughter: "What?"

They continued to ignore me the rest of the evening. I guess I failed; or maybe succeeded.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadof4girls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2015
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Driving Instructions

So yesterday I was giving my dad directions while he was driving and I told him to take a right at the next light. The street he happened to be turning onto was called Dwight so he answers back:

"At Da wight?"

Yes dad....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weramonymous
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
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Mom's dadjokes at the drive-thru.

Whenever me and my siblings would go to McDonald's or something with my mom.

"Drive-thru person: Here's your food, do you need anything else?

Mom: No thanks, I think we're fine!

Drive-thru person: Would you like a cupholder?

Mom: No thanks, I brought my brought my own! nods her head in our direction"

Followed by the groans of her 4 embarrassed children in the back seat.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiGNasty91_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2014
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My friend will be a great dad someday

As I was driving and receiving directions from my friend in the back seat while my other friend was in the front seat I knew he would be a great dad.

Me: so turn here?

Backseat: yep take a left on Nichols (the street)

Frontseat friend: well I would rather turn on Dimes....

Followed by his own brand of slight chuckle. It was marvelous

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninshee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
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My dad pulled this one on me a little while ago.

Driving with my mom and dad in the car while my mom is trying to read me directions. As we approach HWY 33 she asks "What comes after 33?" To which my dad replies in less than a second, "34."

Thanks for the help dad….

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nevlach
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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Classic driving dad joke

My mom my dad and I were driving home and my dad didn’t know if he should turn left or right up ahead so he asked my mom (who was already agitated) for directions. She said, β€œLook like any driver and find out.” My dad responded, β€œI look like any driver but I still don’t know.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deanj2003
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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I've got one...

When I was younger my dad would always sing this jingle

"Shes got freckles on her but shes pretty." and I kind of always giggled.

fast forward like 3 more years and he sings it one day and I am blown away as I realize he was saying the entire time "Shes got freckles on her butt, shes pretty"

Also he used to close his right eye while driving and told me he closed both of them and to tell him which direction to steer. I was like 4-6 and barley knew left from right, especially under stress. I always freaked out. He had a great time with it. I can't wait to do these things to my kids.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mad_V
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
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While driving my dad often had a tough time paying attention to certain signs...

One example of this was his tendency to drive down One Way roads, going the opposite direction.

My mother would say, "Hun, it's a one way road."

To which he'd respond, "Good thing I'm only going one way."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2013
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I got a ton of them. This one happened today.

Dad drives me to campus this morning so he can use the car later. At a crosswalk a police officer is always waving his hand, either toward students who want to cross or the other direction for cars to come through. Every time he says "hey man, if you want to fly you need both hands." (with the windows closed)

While waving to our car with one hand he actually started waving hello to someone else. We cracked up when he finally took my dad's advice.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piclemaniscool
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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My Dad on street signs

I was driving my brother to go somewhere and my dad was in the car with us. My brother was giving me directions to get to his friends house and we go past a road, at which point I ask "This one?" He says, "No, look for Kelley." My dad instantly returns, "How do you know shes just gonna be out here walking around?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iraptor
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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Got my wife lasr night on the freeway

There was a certain boy band playing at the Rose Bowl last night. We were driving by and the other side of the freeway had a lot of traffic. She said, "Wow, look at that."

I replied, "Looks like traffic is backed up in One Direction."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KhabaLox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2014
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