They read a horror-scope.
Medieval era
Sufferware
But Iβm not really into the possessive type.
(My brotherβs joke not mine)
Because they hate exorcising
Then I remembered-they bless the rains down in Africa.
After all, possession is 9/10ths of the law.
Theyβll be hell toupee.
Arrested for possession.
Me: possession IS 9/10 of the law
Child: Iβm hungry and I want a toy and Iβm not going to nap today and-
Demon: π¦π° π¦π± ππ©π΄ππΆπ° π©π¦π¨π’ π±π₯π¦π°?
Me: itβs legally your problem now
Iβm sure itβs saucer βEβ.
You boil the hell out of it
It was a Pepper Oni.
That's really nice of him. It's important that her demons stay healthy.
He wanted to watch their soles burn
Remember, never tell anyone your soulcial security number
They show possession.
I asked him demonstrate
I guess you could say its.... fast as hell
It was charged with possession.
But now they're just super fit and hotter than ever
Gobble the ghoul.
It'll make your head spin.
A Limp
So that's what they meant by eternal dam nation.
All the other demons said, "curse you!"
So her demons would exercise themselves.
Let Mr. PeeDemon know he's a lucky man.
Because they're super-natural
The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"
"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."
Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.
"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.
"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"
"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"
Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."
That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"
Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"
"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."
Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.
They said if I didn't, my house would be repossessed.
"What's up dawg?"
A poultrygeist.
And what do you call a priest who gets rid of chicken demons?
Me: I try, but my inner demons get the best of me. What should I do, doc?
My doctor: Exorcise three times a week.
So 2 skeletons are talking and one says to the other
Skeleton 1: I like a demon Skeleton 2: ask her out Skeleton 1: I just donβt have the guts for it
Context: Today was helping at practice for a play that my 4th grade daughters class is going to put on. My daughter (Sarah) was playing a tree, and another girl (Mikayla) was playing a Deer. Right now they're all into this weird "dating" phase. So Sarah ran over to me sobbing...
Sarah: Dad, Mikayla kissed my boyfriend. She is already dating Scott and Michael kissed her just now!
Me: Hoe dear, that sounds like a really sticky situation you're in.
I then proceeded to start laughing while failing to control it while my daughter started bawling. The other adults looked at me like I was a demon, and I had to leave the room for a minute to control myself.
Edit: Also I later realized that my daughter doesn't understand what a hoe is and thought I was just laughing at her. Don't worry, I have apologized and bought her ice cream.
