I cussed and my mom told my dad "Can you please tell him something?!"

Dad looks at me with a grin and says "Something."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Verga-chu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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I learnt cuss words from my uncle's son

He's always a cousin

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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A Cact Cuss
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Docfess
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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A player asked why I shut down the soccer game suddenly when his mother started cussing and yelling...

I replied, "ask your mom. The reason is a parent."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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I thought my 3 year old son spelled his first cuss word today.

"F-U-C-K, I'll scream ahhhhh!"

"What was that, son?"

"If you see K-ocodile (crocodile), scream, 'AHHHHH!'"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RivalPipe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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When i was a kid my parents would always say "excuse my French" after a cuss word

I'll never forget that first day of school when the teacher asked if we knew any other language's

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLGBANANABUS
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Why doesn’t Oedipus cuss?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pm_ur_doubts
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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If somebody tries to swear, but only knows really weak cuss words, it’s not profanity.

That’s amateur fanity.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sentient_salami
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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Ah yes, computer
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamelnish
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Using cuss words is...

speaking in cursive.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gsasquatch
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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What happened when the prisoner hit his head?

Con cussed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigmanbabyboy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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What do you call a person who disses abusive words

Dis-cuss

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashrajt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Bathroom dad joked my eight year old

My three year old daughter needs help wiping her backside after using the bathroom (#2) sometimes. It's that or she might get a rash... oh, the joys of parenting. My eight year old son was in the hallway.

Son: Dad, why do you need to help [daughter] wipe her butt?

Me: Because she does a shitty job.

(Yes, in the interest of the dad joke, I did say shit to my eight year old. He's heard it before.)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtsjr
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
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Do I have something on my face

Just got done eating wings with my wife. She asked if she had anything on her face, I paused and said your nose. The guy at the table behind us laughed. I laughed, she was wiping her nose.

She then cussed me and threw her booger napkin at me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WarD3agle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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What happened to the kid that swore?

He suffered the reper-cuss-ions

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Martyscurll5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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Why isn't amateurfanity a word?

There is profanity. However, pro- is short professional, and very few people actually cuss for a living (like maybe rappers, boxing/wrestling announcers and comedians). I'm sure nobody is getting paid when they stub their toe and let out a big long string of cuss words.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
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Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common...

No one needed an abba cuss.

πŸ‘︎ 893
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2017
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Clean kill

My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. My grandma and great grandma nearly died when, without batting an eye, grandpa pulled the Pheasant off the car, grabbed his Gerber knife, and stripped, cleaned, and threw the bird on the BBQ. I was in dying from laughter at this point. Grandma and my great grandma were dying from embarrassment. He offered them some and grandma angrily refused for the 3 of us, calling it road kill. Without skipping a beat, he calmly replied "This isn't road kill, it's Continental Wild Pheasant, Twice-Grilled."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierragirl78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
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A swearing clown was recently knighted.

He has been dubbed, Sir Cuss.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrGengisSean
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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We were eating tacos...[SFW]

Mom: what's your favorite sauce?

Me: I like fire sauce.

Dad: I like the green sauce.

Me: Really? The green sauce? Why?

Dad: Because it's... Verde verde good.

Me: god dammit

Mom: Hahahahaha! That was a good one!

Dad: Hey! No cussing! Now do the dishes!

I'm 23.....

I did the dishes.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beef-Chief
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
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When the lights start to go out on a Fuddruckers

... it becomes a game of cussing roulette.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dernjg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2015
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Why doesn't Oedipus cuss?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampTouchThis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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