After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrettyPeeved
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My dogs yelping has gotten out of control
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/frostybunz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I'll make sure to control my anger next time
πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkLad45
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Seems the Weekend had compete creative control for the halftime special and brought in his own production team.

I guess Everybody's Working For the Weekend.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JBCrew614
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I couldn’t see the tv controller anywhere near me.

It must have been in a remote location.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wookiebish
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I love puns, butt this is getting outta control
πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Remote control
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Molbbo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Playing rainbow six using Calculator as a controller
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jaycrossinroad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Pest control companies...

Do they all have a lice-nse?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I can control the element. The element of....

SUPRISE!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_ME_RAWR
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??

An Optical Aleutian

I’ll see myself out...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists developed a male birth control gel but it only targets the X/Y chromosome

Theyre calling it "Son-Block"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Ho ho ho!
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ajfoucault
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The youngest girl in our family wants to be a male semiconductor device for amplifying, controlling, and generating electrical signals when she grows up.

She's my trans sister

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I wish thought controlled ATMs existed

They make cents when you think about it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gamehound266
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justin_true_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.

He just can't part with it.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeltaOne211
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is β€œbeefstew” an unsafe password to use?

Because it’s not Stroganoff.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/peytonmi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I got myself a universal remote control

And man, it changes everything.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LMF5000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do mission controllers count down on takeoff?

If they counted up the space shuttle would never take off.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a term for people like Trump

Evidently not two though

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Meemsouprice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know the film β€œSpeed” had no director?

If it had direction, it would be called β€œVelocity”.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Divine_ICBM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
There are so many different things you can do with spaghetti.

It’s mind-blowing to think of all the pasta-bilities.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vinyldoctor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor said I should drink alcohol in moderation. I don't think I can control my drinking...

... but it's worth a shot!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Can new shock absorbers make a car easier to control?

Of course - it goes without swaying!”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't find the control for my TV.

It must be in a remote location.

πŸ‘︎ 113
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shininglice
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
If there’s a line of gay people, it’s not a straight line...

It’s an LGBT Queue

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Evanthekid16
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Epitome of self control
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
They Are Coming For Our Puns (Guns) - Say NO to Pun Control. beartariatimes.com/2020/1…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BannanaCabana
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia

Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call strict quality control of threads?

Screwtiny

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/octalgon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Control
πŸ‘︎ 185
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xxanthis
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hobo4lifee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A remote place
πŸ‘︎ 348
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elerizo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Science calls it as "randomized clinical trial controlled with placebo", whereas I call it as..

.."Trick or Treatment"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself,

this changes everything

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/well_I_swan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

πŸ‘︎ 599
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren

πŸ‘︎ 185
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.

My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.

My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.

4yo: "I like your shirt mama!

Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?

4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"

πŸ‘︎ 899
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shade0217
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't find the control for my TV.

It must be in a remote location.

πŸ‘︎ 172
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alex13104
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report

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