I’m not even remotely sorry
every tube so far has been in mint condition
So I gave them away, free of charge.
...Two Testis.
The hallouminati
I guess Everybody's Working For the Weekend.
'cause they always be screamin' : "ALLRIGHT EVERYBODY CLAM DOWN !!!"
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
SUPRISE!
Do they all have a lice-nse?
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
A happy uncle.
An Optical Aleutian
I’ll see myself out...
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
Theyre calling it "Son-Block"
She's my trans sister
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
He just can't part with it.
Because it’s not Stroganoff.
It must be in a remote location.
They make cents when you think about it.
And man, it changes everything.
If they counted up the space shuttle would never take off.
Evidently not two though
You get them VERY ANGRY
... but it's worth a shot!
He said I was too controlling.
Of course - it goes without swaying!”
If it had direction, it would be called “Velocity”.
Feefiphobia
Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.
Screwtiny
It’s an LGBT Queue
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
Dude 2: “Brochure”
this changes everything
It’s mind-blowing to think of all the pasta-bilities.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
It must be in a remote location.
