Congregated Puns

A meating

Lettuce pray

Lettuce pray. My dad: Oh my gourd....

He uses the Netanyahu

Father in law

The deceased was an organ donor.

There was mass confusion

He was a Torah Borer

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

A tide pod.

but they refrained from that.

He suspected one of the congregants may have stolen the bike but he didn't want to falsely accuse anyone. He decided to go to a local rabbi for advice. The rabbi advised the priest to give the next sermon about the 10 Commandments and when he gets to "thou shall not steal", look around to see if anyone is nervous.

A week later the rabbi sees the priest on his bike. The rabbi said "So I see that my advice worked out as intended". The priest replied "actually I didn't need to go through all of them. When I got to "thou shall not commit adultery", I suddenly remembered where I put my bike.

LET US SPRAY!

My 73 year old dad told this joke to me this morning.

A church

Perhaps she'll be able to tell me herself at the funeral

My pastor was talking about the influences of mothers in our lives... He proceeded to talk about how his daughter danced and had pleased Herod, and he offered her anything she wanted, up to half the kingdom. The dancer consulted her mother, who said she should request John the Baptist's head.

This, he informed us, is how to get a head in life.

Dad tears were present.

that makes every street where Starbucks is located a "writers block".

An Ente-moot.

sitting quietly during sermon Pastor: Anybody know who the only person in the bible without parents is? not one raised hand Pastor: Joeseph, son of nun. a room full of groans

have altar egos.

Yousoearly

My pastor said the whole congregation was swept up by the spirit.

A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

There are lots of parks in my hometown and whenever summer rolls around lots of people congregate on them. To prevent litter becoming a problem the local council puts out more bins.

Whenever anyone comments on the "summer bins" being put out, my Dad ALWAYS says "Summer bins, some aren't!" and laughs for about half a minute.

I think he's laughing at how bad the joke is and how little fun the rest of us get out of it.

The local congregation held a pirate-themed fundraising dinner, my parents attended, this picture ensued. I missed the pun out of the gates - how long will it take /r/dadjokes?

(spacing for mobile users)

http://imgur.com/1UsHwvH

May the best dadjoker win! Groan-inducing hint to arrive in 1hr.

Edit: looks like I have a lot to learn... Goodnight reddit.

Lettuce pray.

Lettuce pray.

Because he was a Torah Borer

"Piece" be with you!