they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
The Dictator
Not sure yet; we’re on the fence about it.
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
It’s like I’d never met herbivore
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian
Purée!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
I said I'll be coping.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
She said “congrats!”
I replied “thanks, it means a lot”
We named him Carson.
So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim “hey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ ‘n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world!
Him: crying
Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery
We had a little girl at 34 weeks. She was very fussy and the nurse called her a little diva.
I responded with, “More like a preemie-Donna”
The wife groaned and rolled her eyes.
The nurse asked for permission to use that since we were in the NICU.
I made it, fellas.
Oh, and mom and baby are doing well!
She told me I need a porpoise in life
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
Edit: We got him a couple hours ago! Everything went well, no complications. Thanks reddit strangers for the comments and well wishes. I know the rules say nothing identifying, 'oh when' ever they change that I'll post his name. Goodnight everyone, I have to try and nap before his feeding
I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking
What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?
"So, do you have to work on Labor Day this year?"
"No, we both have off."
"Did you hear they're changing it next year?"
"What?"
"Yeah, they're moving it to April."
Looks of confusion
"At least that's what my doctor said."
The dawning of comprehension on their faces, then big smiles and hugs!
..... Btw, I am a woman. I didn't specify in the post, but the context clue would be "MY doctor." I was just raised on sarcasm and corny jokes.
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
My granddaughter was recently born, and she is, of course, perfection incarnate. However, the night she was born, I got my son.
We had left his girlfriend's hospital room where she was in labor (14 1/2 hours!) to get some coffee. As we did so, I gave him some fatherly advice.
Me: Son, you know how everyone acts like all babies are beautiful?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Well, you and I both know that it's not true. There are some ugly babies out there. Now, I am not saying yours is going to be, I am sure she's going to be fine, but just in case...
Him: Yes?
Me: You know those signs at some bathrooms that say "Baby Changing Station"? Just stick her in there, close the lid...
Him: OMG, Dad, shut the fuck up!
Me: <literally tapdancing away>
It was only a minute long.
Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”
So we were sitting at at the table having hotdogs for dinner. My mother-in-law and I then both went to ask my daughter for something at the same time, me for the sauce and the MIL for my daughters glasses so she can clean them. Then we ended up taking turns asking
My MIL then commented that it was good that we didn't ask at the same time otherwise she would be cleaning the bottle and I would be trying to put glasses on the hot dog.
My wife then turned to me and said "Then it would be a Seeing Eye Dog!" And promptly burst out laughing.
This was made all the more special, since my wife is only now just coming out of a 5 year melancholic depression. Yay!
EDIT: Changed wording to make it clearer. Thank you very much from both myself and my wife for all your positive thoughts. :)
My SO and I just started trying to have a baby. When I walked in from work yesterday she looked at me and said, "TheClemmer, I'm pregnant!" to which I smiled and replied "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad!"
Two test tickles.
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be called bagels!
A Gir-raffle!
I’m not officially a dad till Oct 27 but I am one in the making!
My wife just finished eating some eggo waffles and the dog came in and immediately started licking the syrup off her hands
Her: the dog didn't even see me eat yet he ran straight over to me and began licking my hands.
Me: Yeah, it's like he nose
Her (trying to come up with something to out do my joke): That was quite the paw-n
Me: Was that supposed to be a joke, because it sounded like a faux-paw
I was with my wife in the hospital after the birth of my first child.
Wife: It's crazy how she knows to suck on my boobies for food.
Me: Of course she knows. She wasn't born yesterday!
She shook her head and stopped talking to me. I have succeeded.
Im a parent! - New dad first post (Son born 5:31am Sat, Sun raised 6:08am)
I've gotten her dozens of times.
Wife: Where are my keys? I can't find my keys anywhere! Me: (Pointing at my son, Michael) "Mikey's right here. I'm glad I could help!"
We were getting out of her car and she attempted to lock it with the fob. After failing a couple times, she reclosed the rear door and locked it. She then turned to me:
Her: "It wont lock if the door is ajar" Me: "What happens if it's a bottle?"
I thought her eyes were going to roll out of her head
What does The Most Interesting Man in the World eat for breakfast? Dos eggies.
My first son was recently born 5.5 weeks early (he's doing great!)
As such, we hadn't set up a crib or nursery room yet in our apartment. Sitting around with my wife and aunt last night talking about how stressed we were bringing a new baby home to an apartment where we had no place to put him inspired the following exchange.
Wife: "It was kind of like the baby Jesus...no room at the inn kind of situation." Me: "Yeah, we ended up having to have him spend the night with our goat."
(Pause)
Me again: "I felt really bad for the kid. And our son too."
