Clutching Puns

The doctor asks “What’s the problem?” The woman removes her her hand to reveal an area of green grass with a tree growing out of the middle, with some people in deck chairs picnicking next to a small lake. “Oh that’s nothing to worry about” said the doctor, “its just a beauty spot”.

Ack! I have so many egrets!

Does this mean we got money for nothing and our chicks for free?

Clutch failure.

Autobiographies.

Luckily, I managed to escape her clutches.

So I said: "You're a doctor."

it must really grind your gears

They're in a car in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, the car starts making noise and stops completely.

The electrician quickly says: it must be the spark plugs! I will take a look and change them.

The mecanician responds : no it's the transmission! I gotta jack the car and make sure the clutch is ok.

The informatician confidently asks: what if we just get out of the car and come right back in?

A STICK!!!

But when I gave it to her she just said "Bah handbag"

Danke!

My dad, sister and I were driving home the other night when a U2 song came on the radio. He asked us if we knew what the song was about (Sunday Bloody Sunday). I knew, and mentioned it's unfortunate source. My sister then asks from the back seat "Are U2 Irish?" to which my dad responds "Nope! We're Canadian!" and then begins laughing so hard that he is practically in tears and snorting. He didn't stop for a good 2 or 3 minutes. My sister and I just shook our heads slowly.

It was pretty clutch.

Her - "I love this little purse. I hardly ever wear it because it's so small. I'm always forgetting what's inside it. It's always exciting to see what I'll find!"

Me - "huh, I guess one might say it's a grab bag. (insert dad face)

P.s. I don't know how to italicize.

Me: I hate it when I try to change gear and accidentally lift the clutch too early

Dad: Me too, it really grinds my gears.

But the clutch wouldn't engage.

I guess you could say mycorrizhae-dle.

NOTE: My friend, the same one from this post, has a sister who's only 6. She has not yet learned the ways of the world, and the fact that it contains me and my terrible jokes.

I stumble into the living room, clutching my stomach and groaning.

Friend: What's wrong with you?

Me: I don't know, but I think I have a serious case of updog.

Friend's Sister: What's updog?

I stand up straight, with a big smile on my face.

Me: Not much, how about you?

Friend: Oh, Christ.

EDIT: Formatting and grammar.

My mom walks into the house from outside and yells: "Is anyone in earshot?"

My dad, falling to the floor clutching his stomach: "Now that you mention it!"

My seven year old daughter was jumping on the bed when she clutched her mouth, fell and yelled out, "Dad, I kneed my teeth!"

I replied, "you're right, you do need your teeth, and you will for a long time."

She punched me in the face.

When you drive my car without using the clutch!

A blown clutch

No pushing in the clutch all the way.