Clenched Puns

It's gripping.

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD!

Me: clenches fist

Wife: don’t you dare

Me: face turns red

Wife: ........

Me: hi Gay, I’m dad.

Because it is a lighter punch.

My daughter: Really, dad, you're so dramatic!

Me: (quietly, through clenched teeth) If I'm too dramatic....THEN. GOD. HELP. US. ALL...

After he explodes his hand I look down at my still clenched fist. I slowly raise it near my ear confused and shake it. I then explode it in my face almost knocking me off me feet. I look at him sternly and say, "You could have killed me."

Waiter: What'll it be guys?

Her: I'll have the apple

Me: gritted teeth I guess I'll have the bees then..

Waiter: Okay sir, how would you like them?

me: clenches fist

Chef: HE PICKED THE BEES!! angrily shakes jar of bees

Mother:Oh don't worry son, we love you for who you are

Dad:*clenches fists and twitches

Mother:Please don't do this

Dad:begins to have a spasm

Dad:Hi gay I'm dad

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

So we are all standing around eating dessert and my girlfriend is explaining to my dad how she burnt the cookies. I attempt to quell her stresses by telling her "don't worry, me and my dad are crisponians and have a deeper taste for crisp". My father responds with "I may be a crisponian but this might be crisponite". Everyone in the room was laughing except for my 13 year old sister, it was priceless.

This is the same guy that, on a road trip (shortly after the wendy's "finger in chili incident"), was trying to persuade us to visit the establishment whilst passing by. When i said i didn't want to he said "What's the matter don't you like finger food?". He followed up with "Wendy's: We put a little bit of ourselves into everything we make.". And finally simultaneously made every passenger pee their pants when he raised a clenched fist and said "WENDY"S! WERE #1!!".

Mum: looks at dad

Dad: clenches fist and sweats

Mum: No, don-

Dad: HI GAY I'M DAD

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"

Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Mom: *staring at dad

Dad: ...*clenches fists

Mom: ...don't!

Dad: *sweats profusely

Mom:

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Mom: *staring at dad

Dad: ...*clenches fists

Mom: ...don't!

Dad: *sweats profusely

Mom:

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD

Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter

Mom:stares at dad Dad:clenching his fist Mom:Don’t you dare! Dad:HI GAY, IM DAD!

Dad: clenches fist

Mom: DON’T

Dad: sweats profusely

Mom: ...

Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD

Son: Mum, Dad... Im gay. Mum: Looks at dad astonished. Dad: Clenches Fist. Mum: Dont think about it. Dad: Hi gay, Im Dad.

MOM: stares

DAD: clenches fist

MOM: HONEY, DON'T..!

DAD: starts sweating

SON: oh no..

DAD: HI GAY, I'M DAD..!

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches Fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, IM DAD"

Grandma: Stares at Grandpa

Grandpa: Clenches Fist

Grandma: "Don't!"

Grandpa: Sweats Profusely

Grandma: "..."

Grandpa: "HI DAD, I'M GRANDPA"

Son: "HI GRANDPA, I'M GAY"

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

 

source

• Son: "Mum, Dad... I'm gay"
• Mum: staring at Dad
• Dad clenches fist
• Mum: ..."Don't!"
• Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"

Me: watches nervously
Mom: glances at Dad
Dad: clenches fists
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: "Hi, Gay. I'm Dad.