I once knew a girl who married a Chinese.

She had to Chang her last name.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BonsamBesuDMC2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.

Me: Wait. I can change.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Victor recently changed his last name to β€œE”, but no-one knows why…

He’s become a Mister E…

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant

but then I changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MattOxi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"

I said "no wait, I can change."

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…

β€’ you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.

β€’ you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.

β€’ you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.

β€’ mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.

β€’ you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.

β€’ your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the dime run for President?

Because he kept hearing that people wanted to vote for change.

πŸ‘︎ 741
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the rock-wall place but my debit card was declined, so I had to pay with the coins in my car’s center console.

It was my climb-it change.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CarterLawler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My buddy Miles went on a Europe trip after his graduation.

He loved the culture so much he changed his name to Kilometres.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jay-ay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.

She'd changed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
So I recently learned about AI

It's absolutely game changing

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edgykid_69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.

After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.

He'd been despatched.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmoBM
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got back from a shift at Tesco’s..

And while I was working a nice old lady came to my til. I scanned through all her items and it came to Β£56.83, but after counting up all her change she had just shy of Β£40.

So I offered to help her, to which she refused but I eagerly insisted. I thought this is probably someone’s Nan, and I’d like to think someone would help my Nan in the same situation.

So after no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/archiewalton09
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Lost one of my AirPods

Now I call the other one Highlander

I’ve since changed the name to:

β€œLance Armstrong’s Testes”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewmathman17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I just realized...

I haven’t changed my underwear this year.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/callMeSIX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
How did the Sherman Tank get its name?

During testing, the driver said he wanted to go 2,000 miles without changing the transmission.

The tank responded with "Sure, man."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ralph090
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Hypnosis doesn't actually work...

Change My Mind.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My 1 year old is starting to smell funky...

She hasn't had a diaper change all year!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
In the batcave

Alfred: what can i do for you master Wayne

Bruce Wayne: I have decided to change my name to Bate

Alfred: why master Ba- -_-

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/siddharth_pillai
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn’t think brain surgery was ethnical...

But after a successful surgery the Dr changed my mind

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RICKDOGG424
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A German soldier during World War II was embellishing the number of troops he had with him

When the Allies thought it was just him, he claimed there were not 1 but 2. Then he changed his story to 3. Then he said 5, then 8, then 13, and finally 21. When the Allies made it to his position, they discovered that it actually was just him.

Turns out he was a fibber nazi.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
To be frank.....

I'd have to change my name. .

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Field Dressing

Hey guys, relatively new dad here. Pretty proud of myself because this came naturally. My 7 mo daughter, wife and I were hiking yesterday. My daughter was strapped to the front of me, and she started to stink. We found a field to lay her on her changing mat and change her diaper. She had a complete explosion so it required an outfit change. I looked up at my wife and said β€œlooks like I’ll be performing a field dressing”. Corny af I know, but it made my wife laugh πŸ˜†!

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ty_diesel_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.

They’re changing their name to Knockers.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phishstepper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I got myself a universal remote control

And man, it changes everything.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LMF5000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are cemeteries always so full?

high density cities have higher growth rates than can keep up with changing land use needs

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to disagree with organ transplants...

...but I've had a change of heart.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.

also in the news:

Patients who have died or been admitted to intensive care with Covid-19 have been found to be deficient in a vitamin found in spinach, eggs, and hard and blue cheeses, raising hopes that dietary change might be one part of the answer to combating the disease.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are weathermen always rich?

There is always change in the weather

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirSunDowner
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Every day I give a few cents to charity.

I like making small change.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Emu_on_the_Loose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -

It's the traditional changing of the gourd.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Tells Time With His Hat

My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.

He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.

And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.

My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredzred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw the post about not wanting 2020 to end as it would mean that 2021...

but I am just worried that two years later, nothing will change and it will be still be the same as 2022...

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AesSedai99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Victor recently changed his last name to β€œE”…

No-one knows why.

He’s become a Mister E.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
🚨︎ report
At first I wasn't going to get a brain transplant,

but then I changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tacoenthusiast
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I was all set to get a brain transplant.

I changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought about dressing up as a plank of wood for halloween

I changed my mind because i would get board quickly.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uglyoldbob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a teacher make?

A little change.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AbeebC-137
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Everything was fine until I got a universal remote

It changed everything

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't want to have a brain surgery

But the neurosurgeon changed my mind

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phlegmaticguy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to get a head transplant

But I changed my mind

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Luxara-VI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided to have a brain transplant.

Then I changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 192
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hang-me-im-guilty
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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