I haven't seen him since 2005
Staged perfectly in the ever scentiful Bath&Body works at a mall.
Me: "Hey mom, do you know a guy named Champ?"
Mom:"Champ, is that a nickname?"
Me: "No, its his actual name."
Sister chimes in "Well whats his last name?"
Me: purposeful "Huh?"
Sis: "Champ who?"
Me: ":)"
Sis: "-GROAN- God fucking damn it."
I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight
The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist
To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!
It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"
Because he was a fungi
He would be the reigning Raining champ
(This is a true story.)
Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.
We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.
Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.
This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.
We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".
P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.
Wife says, "I'm gonna go jump in the shower..."
I reply, "Okay, be careful, don't fall in there, it's slippery with all the soap and water..."
She still uses that phrase and I just keep nailing it like a champ every single time.
...his dad jumped up into a boxing stance and said, "what round is it". For you kiddies, rotary phones sounded like a bell ringing.
Backstory, he often reminded us we were talking to the 1940 something pacific fleet middle lightweight champ.
He was a great guy and I miss him.
