The undisputed champ.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs110466
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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My dad is a social distancing champ !

I haven't seen him since 2005

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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Do you know Champ?

Staged perfectly in the ever scentiful Bath&Body works at a mall.

Me: "Hey mom, do you know a guy named Champ?"

Mom:"Champ, is that a nickname?"

Me: "No, its his actual name."

Sister chimes in "Well whats his last name?"

Me: purposeful "Huh?"

Sis: "Champ who?"

Me: ":)"

Sis: "-GROAN- God fucking damn it."

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edragon20
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2015
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My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy!

Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?

Gingersnap


Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?

Snickerdoodle


Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?

Shortbread


Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?

Angel food


Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?

Peach cobbler


Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?

Baked Alaska


Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?

German chocolate


Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?

Lemon bars


Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?

Fondant


Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?

Sherbet

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrefrog25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chordus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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People had been champing at the bit, so the city responded:
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Not mine but hay, its still pretty good
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/W4ffl3copter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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19 and 20 had a fight.

21

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforclock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Why was the mushroom invited to the party?

Because he was a fungi

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captain_Warhola
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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Every year, dads hold a competition to see who can make it rain. Their goal is to have someone win 2 years in a row

He would be the reigning Raining champ

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clay00000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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What do you call the cheerleaders and dancers of the Chicago Bulls in the 1980s? imgur.com/u8fqr9d
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diligencet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2014
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In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbenz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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I do this one to my wife every- single- time

Wife says, "I'm gonna go jump in the shower..."
I reply, "Okay, be careful, don't fall in there, it's slippery with all the soap and water..." She still uses that phrase and I just keep nailing it like a champ every single time.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiegoGarcia1984
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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As a kid, whenever my friends rotary phone rang...

...his dad jumped up into a boxing stance and said, "what round is it". For you kiddies, rotary phones sounded like a bell ringing.

Backstory, he often reminded us we were talking to the 1940 something pacific fleet middle lightweight champ.

He was a great guy and I miss him.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/battle_hardend
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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