You might not think engineers are brave...

But it took balls of steel to make the first bearings.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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Where do brave tomatoes go when they die?

Valsalsa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryanaston
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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There’s this new medication that makes people brave, but reckless.

It’s called Risketall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/One-Angry-Goose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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What did the brave alcoholic say?

The only thing to beer is beer itself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SecondWorld1198
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Brave men trying to erect justice and uphold the law
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dzizy1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NameViolation666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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Rock-climbing is not for the timid. In fact, merely being a little brave is not enough.

You need to be boulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avatar_ZW
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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When you're brave and they're not in Biology class, you learn that...

Dissection is the better part of valor.

Love,

Kermit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seudonim
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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You have to be brave to be a bar tender

It's whiskey business

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/priestlyemu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
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Self Castraters are very brave

It takes balls to do it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iloveass_3
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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Did you hear the one about the brave bird that never flew from danger?

It was unflappable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobsterbash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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Why was the box so brave?

Because it was sphereless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/f_n_a_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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Which song did the brave rat loved singing to his grandchildren ?

"I fought the claw, and the claw won, I fought the claw, and the claw won !"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
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You have to be pretty brave to do this now8news.com/donate-a-tes…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goodgardo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2015
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"Land of the Free and Home of the Brave" has two meanings for America.

Brave as in courage and brave as in native american.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/southpaw0507
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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"That's a brave bug"

every time mom gets bit by a bug

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirtophat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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Watching Brave and... Does this count?

[Spoilers]

King Fergus (Merida's father) punches Mor'Du (a bear) in the face;

King Fergus: I'll fight you with my bare hands!

http://m.imdb.com/title/tt1217209/quotes?qt=qt1754778

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NejKidd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hier_Is_Sven
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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What do you call a scotchman with diarrhea?

Brave fart

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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The sailors were exploring the waters between the cliffs of the inlet.

It was the fjord expedition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DownwardSpirals
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?

Sir Render

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shininglice
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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From my 8yr old: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

You can roast beef, but you can’t pee soup!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itsame_Daario
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Columbus,Marco Polo etc are not the bravest explorers of all time.

Its the Internet Explorer.

It is brave enough to ask to be my default browser.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high...

She looked very surprised!

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/physco219
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So I crashed the car and didn't talk to her all day for no reason.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roland_248
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kitten’s collar, all the way up to the bell from the king’s royal bell tower.

When the king awoke one morning, the bell tower’s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.

Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thief’s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,

β€œLook! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit_reddit03
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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I put an Atlanta hat on my periodic table.

I’m not afraid to brave the elements.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I like my coffee like I like slaves

Free

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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The Coffin Joke

Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, β€œThe items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.

20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.

The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightning bolt struck a tree causing it to fall and crush him.

The third brother completely forgot about the ghost’s warning and was having dinner with his wife. His allergies were really acting up that night, so he decided to go to a pharmacy to purchase some allergy medicine. Suddenly, without any warning, the entire store goes dark and a giant coffin appears in front of him, opens up, and starts moving towards him. Remembering his frightful Halloween over 20 years ago, the brother starts desperately throwing everything in sight towards the coffin but to no avail. Now there is nothing else left other than a lone bottle of NyQuil. In one last brave attempt, the brother throws the bottle of NyQuil at the coffin and it miraculously vanishes.

Because NyQuil keeps the coffin’ away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schosple-collopis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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Just got my daughter

My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching.

Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout.

"Daddy, the film is frozen."

I go through, look at the TV and tell her "No it's not, that's Moana."

I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is. Her eye roll and "ugh" brought a tear to my eye.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/makka-pakka
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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Going outside my comfort zone v.redd.it/0fsrlrm8w4k21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maisy1st
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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A friend told me their daughter is saving up to buy a bow and arrow, and my friend is supportive of this.

I said "That's quite Brave".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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teaching my son how to pick up chicks imgur.com/v7iMPbo
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atomicpete
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2016
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So there's this guy in pajamas at Blockbuster...

The clerk asks him "Did you get a copy of all the Disney movies you wanted?"

"Nah, I just got UP."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mxjf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
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Dad humour knows no bounds

So my parents are trying to sell a house at the moment, but having a bit of trouble with it. Mum and dad were discussing it after dinner tonight, and mum was saying she was angry about how it wasn't selling.

Me: "Angry? You won't like her when she's angry."

Mum: "No actually, not really angry, I'm just upset."

Me: "You won't like her when she's upset!"

Dad: "Watch out! It's the Incredible Sulk!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hodgkinsonable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Famous last words

It was really hard on our family when my Grandfather passed away. He was waiting for a blood transfusion but the machine to test blood-type was broken. He always kept a brave face and inspired us all, and today was no different. I will always remember his last words. With his last breath the pulled me close, looked me in the eye and told me to be positive. Please, be positive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Picker-Rick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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Did you hear about the lady who stopped a knife fight using cake batter?

She bravely took a whisk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrwnLightning
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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My Dad's favorite joke that he's been telling for 30+ years.

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office obviously frantic and repeating, "I'm a tee-pee, I'm a wig-wam, I'm a tee-pee, I'm a wig-wam..."

The psychiatrist says, "Whoa, whoa, man. Sit down! You're two tents!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unkle-J
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2015
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2nd date with a beautiful woman

We were at her place and watched a movie - I know, really romantic, right? She had a kitten who was climbing all over me, sitting in my lap, shedding all over me, pretty much the whole night.

At the end of the date before I turned to leave, I said "You know, I was hoping I'd get a little pussy tonight!"

Little did I know that dad joke was the start - she's now my wife and mother to two wonderful children.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chargrill
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
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Just happened, from my girlfriend's dad.

Sitting on the couch:

Girlfriend's mom: "Man, I need to get in shape!"

Girlfriend's dad: "Why? You're a shape."

I now know that I am in the midst of a great father.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VasyaK
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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It ruined our cuddling time...

Me: Have I told you I love you today?

Wife: Yes, but it's nice to hear.

Me: I love you today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/average_gilbert
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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Studying for my MCAT when I came across this passage in Verbal.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, β€œA pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, β€œIt is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: β€œA pun is the lowest form of humorβ€”when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: β€œ...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, β€œTo trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zil2mz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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