I hired the Rolling Stone dercorators to style my room. They did a terrible job.

They just painted it black. I couldn't get no satisfaction with it.

My vision was light blue walls but I guess I always can't get what I want.

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👤︎ u/kishenoy
📅︎ May 28 2020
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My daughter has learnt well

My 8 year old came home from school and on the car trip home

Daughter: mum I bet I can make you say black

Wife: oh really?

Daughter: what color is that car

Wife: Blue?

Daughter: And that tree?

Wife: Brown

Daughter: told you I could make you say brown

Wife: no you said black!

I have never been more proud

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👤︎ u/Noragen
📅︎ Aug 24 2019
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an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

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👤︎ u/kickypie
📅︎ Apr 26 2019
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A teacher asked her class..

A teacher asked her class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence. "The sky is definitely blue." said one girl. The teacher responded, "The sky can also be black or red or even pink." Another kid raised his hand, "The grass is definitely green." The grass could also be brown." Then little Johnny raised his hand. "Yes Johnny." "Are farts solid?" The teacher taken aback by his question answers anyways, "No Johnny but how is that relavent?" "Well I definitely pooped my pants!"

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📅︎ May 28 2018
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What happens when you break your teacher's red pen?

You get black and blue marks.

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📅︎ Jan 27 2018
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"Did you get into a fight?!"

So a little back story, I work at a fitness center as a lifeguard. I'm on a pretty friendly basis with a lot of the regulars because the same group usually comes and swim laps around the same time. I usually like to joke with them as they come in, catch up, comment on new swim suits or haircuts or whatever.

Anyway the joke, so a woman comes in wearing a new blue suit with black trim.

I threw my hands up in the air and ask from across the pool, "oh no! Did you get into a fight??"

When she looked at me confused, I then followed up with "You're all black and blue!"

Her audible groan couldn't have been more perfectly timed.

We had a good laugh after that though.

👍︎ 6
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📅︎ Nov 21 2015
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Hit my roommate with this one.

Her: Why are your earbuds black and blue? (One has a black coloured covering, the other blue)

Me: Because they're beats.

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📅︎ Apr 09 2014
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Dad dropped this bomb at dinner

My mom, sister, and myself are all blonde with blue eyes, but my dad has black hair and green eyes. While discussing our coloring he dropped this on us. My mom-"you're so lucky. With your coloring you can wear nice oranges when we can't." My Dad-"Wouldn't oranges be awful heavy as clothing?" My mom-"just stop."

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📅︎ Jul 03 2014
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My friend dad-joked me today

I was going to get together with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, and I wanted to go out to lunch sometime.

Me: "What does your schedule look like?"

His response? "It has white pages, with black ink, and a blue cover." He then chuckled heartily.

I fear he must have gotten his girlfriend pregnant or something.

👍︎ 7
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👤︎ u/Taterbawgs
📅︎ Nov 03 2013
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