When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zagmut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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What do you call a conversation with Beyonce from beyond the grave?

SΓ©once

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EckisReckis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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I read you can buy half a pillowcase down at Bed Bath and Beyond!

Turns out it was a total sham

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru_in_flannel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Why do ghosts avoid Bed Bath and Beyond after eating Taco Bell?

They don’t want to get the sheets!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1derin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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What’s infinity + infinity?

2 infinity, and beyond!

My 5 year old didn’t get it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brickred805
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.

Don't they carry essential oils?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Have you heard about the new line of Beastie Boys DIY furniture? It comes with everything for step 2 and beyond.

But you gotta fight! For your right! To part A!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/claire_lair
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me beyond words
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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Why the hell anyone would make a plant based burger is beyond

meat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ldb477
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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My 6 yr old son learning math: β€œDad, what’s infinity plus infinity?”

Me: β€œI’m not sure, what is it?”

Son: β€œTwo infinity...and beyond!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fordskis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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There was an accident in the Paleontology section of a Natural History Museum where multiple dinosaur skeletons collapsed and were broken beyond repair. The directors of the museum were concerned that visitors wouldn't visit that section anymore ...

but visitors still showed up to view the
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeWunderY
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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From a Paracosmonaut (a person beyond spaced) to you.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FLUXXIX
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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She's beyond repair..

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her. I said, β€œNo. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanglimara1969
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE AT STAKE...

Some people may find chicken or pork beyond delicious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anasshe3sha3y
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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My daughter got me the other night. I was proud beyond belief.

My 3 yr old daughter was about to much down on a burrito and I said wait, eat this end first (because it was open on that end) and she looked at me and said, no, I don't want to eat the end, I want to eat the beginning.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaftEEE
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2016
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Which beverage can you enjoy to infinity and beyond?

Bud Light beer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HXCg4m3r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.

Because that would be over dos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/louisng114
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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Got my wife yesterday when she took me to bed bath and beyond

She wanted to buy a mirror and asked me for my opinion.. I told her.

"I can see myself buying this "

She groaned , and was worth it..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/un4r
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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A man broadcast himself reciting a single line of Shakespeare to various galaxies beyond our own.

The man’s performance was universal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carter16891
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Robin: the Batmobile won’t start..

Batman: Check the battery.. Robin: What’s a tery?

Credit:r/whitepeopletwitter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drwtsn_thirty2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
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(NFL Pun) I tried to speak to a San Diego Charger from beyond the grave last night.....

....by conducting a Junior Seance.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
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My wife and I were robbed leaving Bed Bath and Beyond.

He came at us with a knife! We were scared sheetless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snesman99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2016
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My friend works in a bird rehabilitation place. She put a video of her with an actual bird of prey in the gift shop on Instagram and said "Shopping is for the birds". So I sent her a message saying "I bet it's favorite store is Birdbath and beyond".
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkJohn73
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
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At Bed Bath and Beyond I was looking for an "up" pillow.

What's an "up" pillow, you might ask? It's the same as a down alternative pillow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DailyCupOfCoffee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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The time my Dad went above and beyond the call of duty, at a formal dinner party

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rolloxan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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He was beyond proud of this one and laughed at his own joke for a long time

Grandmother: This dip is made mostly from horseradish and sour cream

Dad: Mmm, you can really taste the horse!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shoegraze
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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Normal back:

Normal back: Degenerates over time Suspect vertebra Makes life beyond 30 a living hell

Backstreets back: Alright

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gross04
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

β€˜Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zmanofdoom95
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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My Waitress Tonight Told I Had To Post This

Scene: Dinner for my mom's birthday at a very nice (expensive) restaurant.

Waitress: Your steak comes with a choice of the vegetable of the day or a twice baked potato.

Me: Are twice baked potatoes and refried beans prepared similar ways or is that just a naming coincidence?

W: Laughing Oh my God. Our bartender and I were just talking about funny "dad jokes" on reddit! I didn't expect to hear one in person. Do you use reddit?

M: Umm... Yeah... I actually follow r/dadjokes but I'm not a dad and

W: You should post that joke there!

I have no idea if she will see this but my wife said I had to let everyone know about a redditor interaction. I hope she does because the food was awesome and she was a fantastic waitress beyond being a fellow redditor.

I still have no idea if twice baked potatoes and refried beans have any link...

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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*knock knock* "Who's there?"

"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"

"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"

"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"

"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"

"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"

"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"

"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"

crashing noises

"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"

"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

silence

"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."

EDIT: formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D0tBlue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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Got my boss during a stocktake tonight

I was scanning bays 400-415 and when I reached bay 404 I turned to my boss and said with a straight face "I just got an error. It's saying the bay cannot be found..." He asked what bay I was up to and I told him 404.

He looked at me with an unimpressed face while a colleague said that was beyond nerdy. I chuckled to myself for the next few minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khanicus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2014
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What’s Buzz Lightyears favorite store?

Bed, Bath....and BEYOND!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thrillhouse74
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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Where did Buzz Lightyear go to buy a new car?

To Infiniti and beyond!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wiggle-123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report

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