The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
It was on sail.
And once a month... It’s shark week.
She had Acapulco-lips.
"Sir!! This is a liquor store "
After seeing my mother-in-law, it seems like there's gonna be war.
I guess he’s now an ex-cape-artist...
Good thymes.
He's a plastic surgeon .
Its natural beauty was unpresidented
I was exploring the pyramids and suddenly came across a beautiful golden sarcophagus. The guide and I both gasped and farted at the same time, identical farts. It was the first time I ever experienced a toot in common.
franchise.
But chick peas can only hummus one.
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
I asked my husband if he knew any Italian words, He told me "My wife is bellissimo"
I told him, "That's beautiful"
Happy mother's day!
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
I said, “Help! My knee is made of magnets!”
At the end of the day it's evening
But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.
Because she is something to adore.
Because it has make up exams.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
He tries them on for sighs.
"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
The man replied, “Why thank you kind sir, but my name’s not Frost.”
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I know it isn't much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"
Her: "Its me."
Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"
Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"
My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!
It’s sublime.
They never complain, they keep to themselves and they always pay their rent on time. The only weird thing is they insist on paying me in stir-fry. But all in all, I guess they're pretty lo mein tenants.
i said " Ho Ho Ho please"
Because Kim Jong Un is Supreme Reader!
They are quite the head turner.
Let’s see what you have in the way of bread puns. I saw this beauty on a livestream.
Its natural beauty was honestly unpresidented
