Be Fit Puns

Because they do so much deadlifting

No. I'd give it a wide birth..

But he was gladiator

You can never be under the weather at work.

Then it's capsized.

Spider-Man, he's a great web developer.

It was a patty meltdown

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor and the muffler factory was just exhausting. I couldn’t cut it as a barber and I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor. I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it. I got fired from the cannon factory. I had a paper shop but that folded. I just couldn’t see any future as a historian and being a plumber was just too draining.

Edit: thank you for all the outstanding suggestions of how to move forward in the comments.

Cross dressing

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

It’s reported that Mr Gerald Fitzpatrick and Mr Patrick Fitzgerald are having a wonderful honeymoon.

Take the bowl, buy the horns .

They had prepared quite the spread with steak, corn, salad, and everyone had their own favorite side. The father had prepared his own signature spice blend and was encouraging everyone to try it. The son tried a little bit on his mac and cheese. Unfortunately he began coughing as it was too spicy, but was able to rinse it down with a bit of water and was fine.

The daughter didn't believe it could be as spicy as her brother claimed, so she put some of the spice blend on her mashed potatoes. She took a big bite and after a bit her face turned red and she began coughing and spluttering and went and got herself a glass of milk in order to help with the spiciness.

The mother laughed, knowing that the blend was spicy, but decided to try some anyway on her fries. She was conservative with her application, and could handle her spice better than her children so she thought she would be fine. And, if it weren't for a small bit of fry trying to go down the wrong pipe, causing her to cough, splutter and wheeze, she would have made it out unscathed.

Finally the father, after having witnessed that none of his family were able to master his own homemade spice blend, added it to every bit of his meal. The steak, the corn, his green beans and even his salad. He the requested some of each of the others' sides, and added the spices to some mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and fries as well. Then, to show he was not joking around, he added some hot sauce to top it all off. He began happily chowing down on every bit of it, completely unconcerned with the level of spice. He did not turn red, he did not cough, he did not splutter, he did not wheeze.

However, in his gusto to complete the meal, he was eating faster than he normal would and a half-chewed piece of steak unfortunately made it down the wrong pipe. His eyes went wide. Still, he did not cough, he did not splutter, he did not wheeze. But, he did begin to turn red. And then, he began to turn blue. Seeing that her husband was choking, the mother got up from the table and started trying to give the heimlich to the father. It didn't seem to be working until suddenly -- p-tooo, out came the piece of steak. Then the father coughed, spluttered and wheezed.

As he tried to regain his breath, his family heard that he was trying to say something between coughing fits. A 'thank you' to his wife, most likely. Or perhaps he was trying to say he should have slowed down and not eaten so fast to show them up. When he finally got

Cardi O

Baby balloon asked mummy and daddy balloon if he could sleep in their bed as he was scared of the storm, daddy balloon said no, you're old enough to not be scared of a storm.

They all go to bed but baby balloon can't sleep, the storm gets louder and he gets really scared, so he decides he's going to squeeze into mummy and daddies bed anyway.

First he tries squeezing between the two of them but doesn't fit, so he undone his knot and let some air out and tried again, still didn't fit, so he undone mummies knot and let some air out, he still didn't fit, so he undone daddies knot and let some air out, still didn't fit.

So finally he undone his knot one more time and let a lot of air out, and he finally managed to fit between mummy and daddy and had a lovely nights sleep feeling safe while the storm passed over.

In the morning daddy balloon was not happy: 'look son, you're big enough and old enough to stay in your room and not be scared of a storm,

You let me down,

You let your mother down,

But most of all you let yourself down'.

Fit’ness pizza in my mouth

Hey guys, new to posting to the sub, just wanted to get some information on what is allowed and if there is an option to base an event.

I've never seen an image posted on Dad Jokes so I am just going to assume there is no image posting allowed in the sub.

If that is the case I just wanted to float out the idea of allowing images to be posted during the week of Halloween. There are a ton of great dad jokes embodied in creative costumes and since that fits the spirit of the sub, maybe an event can be created to exchange those jokes during a set time frame. Feedback or a direction to something I'm looking for would be much appreciated.

I hate to spoil my costume but to get an example of what to look for (mine is by no means anything special) I will give you the general idea. It will be 3 pieces in regular attire. A plastic sword, a fancy collar, and a balaclava made out of "invisible" material ;). I am going as the headless horsemen.

My daughter will be 4 in December and I've been teaching her jokes involving animals and the sounds they make. I had taught her;

What do ducks eat? Quackers

What's a cows favourite place to go? To the mooovies.

She thought they were hilarious and for the next few days I would ask her to tell me a joke and she would repeat one of these jokes and we would laugh together. I asked her this morning to tell me a joke expecting one of these same jokes that she knows, then she took me by surprise by asking;

Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

I was taken aback and wondered where it was going, so I replied;

I don't know. Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

Coz he was a baaaad boy.

Few moments of stunned silence then me and the wife looked at eachother, then burst into fits of laughter while my daughter beamed with pride. Her twin brother is often on the naughty step for being a 'bad boy' and I'm thinking that she has put 2 and 2 together and came up with infant/toddler comedy gold. Very clever, and very proud dad.

Because, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.

Hey guys! I need help coming up with a really great, punny name for my resin art shop. I sell jars, rolling trays, self defense stabbies, and have plans for many more decorative and useful items to be added soon. The only one I could think of that I don't hate is Gnome Depot. But that doesn't really fit very well with resin art/crafts. Any suggestions are appreciated!

TLDR - I'd like to figure out how to work in "well hung" into my wood sign business name.

I'm up and running in a specific genre (sort of crass, inappropriate, edgy sayings, quotes, etc) and "well hung" works great as it fits well on both ends - edgy vibe I'm going for, and also...they are signs that need to be hung...well. I'd like a domain name that's available and well hung dot com an any others I've tried are all taken.

Only other aspect that could (optionally) be worked in would be anything to do with the fact that I use reclaimed , recycled, throw-away wood for all my projects to do my little part in cutting down on the enormous underutilization and total waste of wood that's happening everyday in America. I suppose if I have to I could drop the "well hung" thing and go that way if I like it more.

Suggestions?

She excitedly says yes, and the boy spends the entirety of the next day preparing for the big day.

The first thing he does to make it extra fancy is to rent a limousine for a day (yes, he is rich), but when he arrives at the rental center, he notices that many other people had the same idea. There was an enormous line that stretched out the building. Nevertheless, this boy was determined to make this night a special night, and waited for hours. Luckily, he succeeded in the end, and rented a shiny black limo. He was starting to get really excited.

After that, he goes to the tailor to pick up a brand new suit and tie to look as sharp as possible. But once again, the line for that wrapped around the block and forced the boy to wait another long hour. He sighed, but still waited in line, as he was quite persistent and knew it would be well worth it in the end. In the end, though, he got a perfect suit that fit him well. No wrinkles, no nothing; it was just pure handsomeness.

Then, the moment came. In his limousine, he once again drove up to his crush's house, well-dressed in the brand new suit he just bought. She came out looking stunning as well in an aqua dress that sparkled in the evening sunlight. Excited as ever, she leaped into the fancy limo and rode to prom with him, ready for the big night.

When they arrived, however, there was yet another long line into the ballroom, as many people needed to be accepted. It was quite a busy night. After half an hour of waiting, the couple finally made it through and began dancing. It was all going really well, and everyone was having quite a grand time.

A few hours later, they became thirsty and went to get a drink. Both him and his girlfriend were in the mood for fruit punch, but nobody else seemed to want it. When they entered the snack bar, they noticed more long lines of people wanting to get other snacks and drinks, but surprisingly... there was no punchline.

Papa balloon, Muma balloon and Bubba balloon.

Bubba balloon was still sleeping with Papa and Muma balloon but he was starting to get too big.

Papa and Muma balloon got a bedroom setup for Bubba balloon so they can finally sleep alone. But every night he would come in crying to sleep with Papa and Muma balloon but they never let up.

But one night, Bubba balloon waited for the Papa and Muma balloon to be faaaast asleep. He tried to squeeze in between them but he couldn't quite fit. Very carefully, he started to let some air out of Papa balloon... It wasn't enough. Very carefully, he let some air out of Muma balloon... But it still wasn't enough. He didn't want to deflate his parents any more... So he slowly let some air out of himself. It was perfect. He snuggled in and slept soundly.

The next morning, you could imagine how disappointed Papa and Muma balloon was. Papa balloon said: We tried to help you and tried to help you grow in toy a Big Boy balloon. We are so disappointed with you.

You let ME down... You let your Muma down... But most disappointing of all... You let yourself down!

Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as I’ve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I don’t remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didn’t fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but he’d always make this really theatrical voice and yell “hey! what did you do to my new suit?!” If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked him if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."

"Don't be flattered," she said. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

"Like a glove."

Because they ostrichsized him.

Hello!

Maybe it doesn't really fit in here, but a friend and I want to do a podcast together and are still looking for a good name.

The podcast is just about made up crime stories (as a counter to the thousands of truecrime podcasts out there). It's not one hundred percent serious, but it's not meant to be overly funny either.

We're both big fans of dadjokes and word jokes, but can't come up with a good name.

We also don't want to gain a lot of notoriety with it, but just pass our time.

Maybe someone has a good idea?

Thanks for your support and stay healthy!

Fly: "Ouch! Did someone just bite me!?"

A small voice chuckles

Fly: "You must be pretty small to fit on my back. What are you, a mite?"

Mite: "Yeah as in I MIGHT bite you again hehehe."

Fly: "...... That pun was terrible."

Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."

Since my kids were little they would bring me their socks and ask “daddy could you put my socks on”? My answer is always “Sure but I don’t think they will fit me”. So now they ask questions like “can you put my shirt ON ME”? I love being a dad. 😎

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's.. erm .. well ... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Ah ok. How do your trousers fit?" asks the doc.

"Like a glove."

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"

The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.

The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.

So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"

"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back"

     "Hey! What are you? A mite? "

Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!"

Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard."

Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."

"I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory, wasn’t suited to be a tailor, the muffler factory was just exhausting, couldn’t cut it as barber, didn’t have the patience to be a doctor, didn’t fit in the shoe factory, pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian!"

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian. I'm going to look into becoming an optometrist. We'll see.

Fly: "Ouch! Hey you must be pretty small to fit on my back. Are you a mite?"

Mite: "Yeah, as in I MIGHT bite you again hahaha"

Fly: "Wow.... That might be the worst joke I've ever heard"

Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."