My lady friend and I were on the phone and it's that time of month for her. So I was making jokes about periods ("Menstrual jokes aren't funny. Period.") and she told me to stop. So she eventually gets to asking me about how our school schedule works.
"We're on block schedule."
"Oh. So you guys don't have periods?"
"No, but you do."
I died.
... to call it "griefcase".
Have you ever seen a moth bawl?
Context: Today was helping at practice for a play that my 4th grade daughters class is going to put on. My daughter (Sarah) was playing a tree, and another girl (Mikayla) was playing a Deer. Right now they're all into this weird "dating" phase. So Sarah ran over to me sobbing...
Sarah: Dad, Mikayla kissed my boyfriend. She is already dating Scott and Michael kissed her just now!
Me: Hoe dear, that sounds like a really sticky situation you're in.
I then proceeded to start laughing while failing to control it while my daughter started bawling. The other adults looked at me like I was a demon, and I had to leave the room for a minute to control myself.
Edit: Also I later realized that my daughter doesn't understand what a hoe is and thought I was just laughing at her. Don't worry, I have apologized and bought her ice cream.
We were in high school and it was that time of year where the pupils are looking for prom dates.
Anyways, there is this girl, Iris, that goes there that was also date-less who had a hair-lip (cleft palette) and hoping to hear from my friend.
He walks up to her, and says, "Iris, would you like to go to prom with me?"
Iris was so excited, her cheeks flushed, a smile burst forth and she exclaims, "Would I?! Would I?!......"
My friend gets pissed and jabs his finger towards her as tears start streaming down one side of his face and he's yells, "HAIR-LIP! HAIR LIP!" And runs away bawling his eye out.
Basket Bawl
(These puns will be the end of me JFC)
So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.
His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."
He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.
Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.
Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.
It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This
... keep reading on reddit ➡My wife and I are at the winery with my parents and the guy pouring samples is just flirting with all of the women, including my mom and wife, and telling dirty jokes, which is no big deal, but I don't really appreciate him calling wine "panty dropper" when he pours it for my mom. That kind of weird stuff, y'know?
Then he tells a story that he has an identical twin brother, and when they were infants, people would always ask his mother how she tells the two of them apart.
"I can tell them apart by their balls,"
And we're all like, "Jesus, enough with the gross out humor already," but he finishes the joke; "One of the babies bawls all day, the other bawls all night,"
