A very bare market
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MartianGlassner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My 6 yr old son has an attitude problem at the dinner table. He barely eats and always makes the rudest comments about the home-cooked food we provide him, so tonight we tried alphabet soup.

I really hope he eats his words.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fordskis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Vin Diesel should commission a heraldic crest under his first name, a pair of snakes intertwined with fangs bared...

Vin's Shield: Vipers

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ranzear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.

She is infringing on my right to bear arms.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_OToole
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
When people misspell barely like barley, they’re not making a mistake

They’re just going against the grain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Barely used
πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sz_Benedek21
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Noah fit 2 of every animal in a single boat ?

State-of-the-Ark technology

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amart1985
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My real estate agent lied.. he said my house had 1000 carpet area

I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there ..

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
So I’m rolling through the supermarket and I see these Bare Skin condoms...

And all I can think is, β€œGod please let it be panda”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brannono
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The poor local barber was just barely squeaking by...

But he made do.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Time flies. I barely notice! [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluechoot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend told me he’d kill me with his bare hands

I asked him rather than his wolf hands ?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsiderXP
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't recommend you to watch this video. It barely helped me.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peDr0bt0309
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The grocery stores are bare right now besides some greens.

Only the lettuce romaine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thrillho333
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Baring her sole?
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nahalido
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 996
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Bro i barely have 19:19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AppleSlapper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
This load bearing tree.
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5_Frog_Margin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I felt a little sad for my lucky sock when I looked down and saw another rip, this one baring my entire ankle.

I sniffled. My sock was on it's last leg.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nightreach1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 454
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?

A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a terrible dream the other night that I was a tail pipe... I could barely sleep.

I woke up exhausted!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noobmoney_rs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
This is barely half of what happened.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarioMasterX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If Emily gets depantsed in front of her friends...

She’s em-bare-assed on 2 levels

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RotaryPhoneDialer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
It was always super sad watching my dad being barely able to lift 2-liter bottles of Pepsi.

He was soda pressing.

Edit: better (Hawaiian) punch line

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beetlebath
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My 12 year old...

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn’t you shave a puppy?

Because then it would be a little bare.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldn’t be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.

But I’m just grasping at straws here.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Propagansus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The first computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple that barely had any memory. One byte, and everything crashed.

It probably ran on Python

Credit: u/FriendofHolySpirit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cubic-Zirconia
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Some said my last post wasn't a pun. Well, this one definitely is.
πŸ‘︎ 373
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarketingCoding
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at school today and they ask us if the bill of rights apply to us students i responded we can't bare shoulders never mind baring arms
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gardnbra7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the bare minimum?

1 Bear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/psyman666
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
When I dropped my top-of-the-line Microsoft laptop on the asphalt, I figured it was ruined

Turns out I had barely scratched the Surface.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Barely made it out after breaking into a barbershop...

It was a close shave

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pirateking1000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I could barely make out any of the figures on Apples earning’s report

They were all iCharts

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad is barely is Dad

At our bowling league today one of the lanes we were bowling on stopped working. Someone said "It looks like lane 6 is dead". So I looked at my dad and brother and said "I guess we should notify its next of pin."

All I got were sighs...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodlickin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
🚨︎ report
Tried to catch fog this morning.

Barely mist it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freddie83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend barely escaped injury after falling thru a plate glass window...

It sounded paneful.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I was sitting outside with my wife, without shoes, and I said β€˜my feet are cold’. She said β€˜that’s because you have bare feet’.

I said β€˜they’re not bare feet, they’re man feet’.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superchatchie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My real estate agent lied to me.. he said that my house had 1000 carpet area

I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs ..

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report

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