A guy anxiously said to his psychologist, β€œDoc, you gotta help me. I keep having a strange dream that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!”

The doctor said, β€œRelax, you’re two tents.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Briancrc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I was anxiously waiting to hear the result of the Worst Bad Habit Awards

It was nail-biting

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alwaysthecold
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The Russian people anxiously awaited the results of their anonymous election...

Sorry, not Czar E.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IO_you_new_socks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2017
🚨︎ report
My sister is anxiously waiting for the hair dye she ordered online to be delivered

If it doesn't arrive this morning, she'll just have to dye another day

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hnd123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Why are sheep anxious at night?

Because so many people are counting on them.

πŸ‘︎ 527
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cmdr_Toucon
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2022
🚨︎ report
If the father of a prince is being anxious for his kingdom....

....would be be paniking....?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boringsapien
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2022
🚨︎ report
did you hear about the anxious seamstress?

She's on pins and needles

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/athei-nerd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2022
🚨︎ report
Why did the anxious student hate A.C. Slater?

He was Prozac.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OkToBeAnAssMan
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2022
🚨︎ report
I used to be really anxious because I didn't know what to do with my deck of cards.

Then I learned to deal with it.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2022
🚨︎ report
I get anxious looking at my nails

They are getting out of hand

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of anxious dinosaurs?

Nervous Rex

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xIR0NPULSE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
🚨︎ report
A patient was anxious about going to the radiology department...

...when asked why, she said "my ex, Ray, works down there."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2022
🚨︎ report
Why are smart people socially anxious?

Because they have a strong nervous system.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skribsbb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2022
🚨︎ report
Why was the guitarist anxious?

He was always fretting.

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lorettarebelle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife is cross-eyed and I’ve been feeling anxious

because I’m scared she’s been seeing someone on the side

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/R3VOLV3RGG
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are guitarists so anxious?

Because they're always fretting.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sikyanakotik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Why it's okay for soccer players to feel anxious?

For starters, they have to many goals.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doom_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you ever wonder of calendar's get anxious?

I mean, they have alot of dates.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApophisRises
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Eating caterpillars makes me anxious

my stomach is filled with butterflies

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/relayrider
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
The lady who hems my pants appeared anxious...

In fact, I know she seamstressed

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Feeling anxious? Feel like someone's watching you?

You are not alone!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1963Jan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Mr Tickle was very anxious to get married although...

He was having trouble convincing his girlfriend Tess to take his last name.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you say when anxious ideas won't leave you alone?

Begone, thoughts

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jet_bridge
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The Beatles were anxious that their name might turn off pun enthusiasts.

β€˜Cause insects puns really bug them...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the sunken dock feel anxious?

It was under pier pressure

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCCoolbucket
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
If you got anxious while diagramming sentences at the blackboard,...

you were parsed tense.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyckname
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you give an anxious onion?
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaussWanker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm so anxious ...

... even my central system is nervous!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My doctor could tell I was anxious to learn my blood type.

He said, β€œB-positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edmromero
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the concerned friend say to the anxious guitarist?

Don't fret

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebsid25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I am writing a book about the anxious tomato in the waiting room during the birth of his first child.

It's entitled "The Tomato Paced"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mewlingquimlover
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I was a little anxious at first about having a tumour...

But it's growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alfherin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
🚨︎ report
As a big dude, I always got anxious around those small smart cars.

My roommate said, "Is that a Fiat behind your car?"

"Yes," I replied. "Do you want to know why it's called that?"

"Why?" She asked.

"Because big guys like me can't FIat inside it."

Dadjoked Look Ensues

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Not mine, I'll explain the sauce in the comments

A man runs into a bar breathing heavily and looking distraught. The bartender asks what's wrong, but the man only replies, "I need 12 shots of your finest liquor, now!" The bartender, though confused, gives him the 12 shots and the man quickly gulps them down one after another, still looking anxious and sweating bullets. Halfway through the bartender asks again what's wrong, but the man just keeps drinking. Once the man is finished, he slams down the last shotglass and mutters under his breath, "If you had what I did, you'd be drinking with fervor too." The bartender, very confused asks what the man has? The man jumps up, yells, "52 cents!" and runs out the door.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entias
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2021
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
(My dad actually made this joke)

I was using my phone when my dad spoke to me, "Oh son, there is something black on your head!"

"What black thing, dad?", I replied.

"Oh yes, there is something. Let me check." He continued.

"What black? What is that black thing??" I asked him, anxiously.

So he replied.

"Hair."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykolor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, β€œSorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, β€œThat’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”

The old guy says, β€œWell maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, β€œShe is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, β€œDoesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked my priest for advice

My buddy has a bad back so I often go over his house to help his wife with yard work or moving furniture, etc. Currently, were all home because of the quarantine so it seems like the perfect time to get some things done.

Well, I've been isolated for a week and I have no reason to think I've been exposed, but I was a little anxious cause I have had a bit of a scratchy throat these past two days.

So I asked my priest if he thought it was okay to go over and help my buddy's wife with some yard work.

He replied, "do not covid your neighbors wife."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerHikes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Prescription

I was waiting anxiously for my mother to be ready to go to the store, when all of the sudden my dad says : Hey do you need your prescription refilled?
Me: No, wait what prescription? Dad: Oh never mind it just looks like you're out of chill pills.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeeitsZ
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
🚨︎ report
I'm not addicted to meth

I only ever use it when I get anxious and start to shake

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yours_untruly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Made a motivational dad joke

Recently I took a very spontaneous last minute trip across the country. It really cleared my head from all the nonsense in my life right now. A friend of mine got inspired by that and said fuck it, I'm going somewhere random too (he ended up deciding Zion Park in Utah). He texted me that he was getting anxious about it and was about to back out, so I replied "You can't back out now, you said you want to do something crazy so do it. Utah-k the talk, now you gotta walk the walk."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvl100Warlock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of anxious dinosaurs?

Nervous Rex.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sweethufflepuff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you call an anxious dinosaur?

A nervous Rex.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tha_Rat_King
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
🚨︎ report

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