An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why canโt you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
๐︎ 7k
๐
︎ Jan 28 2021
Her: Iโm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
๐︎ 13k
๐
︎ Jan 23 2021
Despite being an electrical engineer, my son couldn't fix the circuit
๐︎ 47
๐
︎ Feb 11 2021
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter ?
๐︎ 116
๐
︎ Jan 27 2021
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, โYouโre an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still donโt get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
๐︎ 192
๐
︎ Jan 18 2021
Corona didnโt need an ad in the Super Bowl for their beer.
Itโs already gone viral.
๐︎ 43
๐
︎ Feb 07 2021
I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break.
This is because concrete floors are really hard.
๐︎ 827
๐
︎ Nov 26 2020
Using only the letters L H U T S E, how do you tell an investigator to hurry up?
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Jan 28 2021
Why canโt an egg speak publicly?
๐︎ 301
๐
︎ Dec 06 2020
Even though I'm an avid duck and goose hunter, I don't own any calls.
My wife doesn't want me using fowl language.
๐︎ 13
๐
︎ Jan 15 2021
They demolished an abandoned industrial complex near me recently and now I can't smell.
They must have destroyed my old factory senses.
๐︎ 19
๐
︎ Jan 28 2021
Short people can't reach an agreement.
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Jan 14 2021
I tried to invent an indestructible piece of paper. It didn't go well...
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Jan 19 2021
Why isn't there an Apple iPhone Fold?
Because Apple don't want iPhone to be afoldable.
๐︎ 7
๐
︎ Jan 03 2021
Someone said I wasnโt very smart because I never read anything. Well it so happens I was reading an article just the other day
It said Juicy.
Turns out it was an article of clothing.
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Jan 25 2021
Have you been to an apple store? You can't breathe in there.
๐︎ 35
๐
︎ Dec 25 2020
If anyone gets an email from me with the subject 'My meat', don't open it.
๐︎ 11
๐
︎ Jan 09 2021
As a child, I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents didn't allow it.
They said the sky is the limit.
๐︎ 32
๐
︎ Dec 11 2020
My coworker asked what itโs called when you ask something but havenโt gotten an answer yet.
I told him thatโs an outstanding question.
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Jan 07 2021
An man at a bar didnโt want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldnโt even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said โWhy were you out all night?โ He said โHow did you find out?โ
She said โThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair againโ.
๐︎ 12
๐
︎ Dec 26 2020
Why won't Rick Astly ever take his girlfriend out for an ice cream date?
Cuz he'll never dessert you...
๐︎ 54
๐
︎ Oct 29 2020
An accidentally overcooked Mennonite t-bone
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Dec 05 2020
Iโm thinking of a word. Starts with P and doesnโt have an ending
๐︎ 24
๐
︎ Nov 21 2020
Found this today. With numbers like those she don't need an udder job
๐︎ 30
๐
︎ Oct 17 2020
What do you call an octopus that can't count?
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Dec 06 2020
My kids are asking for a ping pong table for Christmas this year, but I told them that isnโt an easy decision.
A lot of bouncing back and forth.
๐︎ 7
๐
︎ Nov 25 2020
Intervals aren't the first reason to learn to play an instrument.
But they are a major second.
๐︎ 16
๐
︎ Nov 27 2020
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
๐︎ 12
๐
︎ Sep 09 2020
I don't understand how some people don't care about elephants being an endangered species.
I guess they just find them irrelephant.
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ Nov 25 2020
Don't try to high five an executioner....
They'll leave you hanging.
๐︎ 51
๐
︎ Oct 28 2020
I couldn't find my pizza cutter last night, so I used an old Bryan Adams album.
Because it cuts like a knife.
๐︎ 15
๐
︎ Nov 10 2020
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
๐︎ 96
๐
︎ Sep 19 2020
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
๐︎ 33
๐
︎ Oct 14 2020
It isn't an accident!
๐︎ 4k
๐
︎ Apr 19 2020
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine, and she said, โWhy donโt you try lunges?โ
I said, โThat...sounds like a big step.โ
๐︎ 176
๐
︎ Sep 25 2020
What do you call medical professionals who don't feed their patients after an overnight stay in the hospital?
Doctors without boarders.
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Dec 04 2020
It wasnโt much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.
But now I can look back and laugh.
๐︎ 214
๐
︎ Aug 24 2020
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, โAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I donโt know what to do!โ Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...heโs really a big lyre.
๐︎ 6k
๐
︎ Apr 29 2020
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
๐︎ 11
๐
︎ Oct 18 2020
My son didn't understand what i do as an electrician.
He was shocked after i explained.
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Oct 05 2020
I'm an old man, now. I don't tell Dad jokes anymore.
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Oct 03 2020
Why canโt you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything
๐︎ 92
๐
︎ Nov 28 2020
Why can't you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything!!
๐︎ 11
๐
︎ Jan 09 2021
Why canโt you trust an Atom?
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Jan 06 2021
Why can't you trust an atom?
because they make up everything!
๐︎ 47
๐
︎ Oct 09 2020
You shouldn't fart in an Apple store,
They don't have Windows...
๐︎ 8k
๐
︎ Feb 26 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
