You'll hear a Russell in the bushes.
Yesterday, two mice attacked a Brit at a pub. While one took the key to his car and ran, the other smashed his knee and ran. He was down on the ground crying and shouting 'Me key, me knee!'
Edit: changed public to pub. Fucking autocorrect :P
It was in tents.
Those little pricks.
They failed their spot check.
Eventually, Starscream replies, "sorry I didn't get your message. I was in airplane mode"
The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confused and scoffs 'Imposseeble! You cannot grow BaycON on a tree!'. 'Come! And I weel show you ze bacon tree!'. So Jean-Luc & Jean-Pierre set off down the river, with Jean-pierre providing direction to the enigmatic 'bacon tree'. Finally, they pulled over onto a small beach that lead to a large forest. 'Stay 'ere and watch ze canoe, and I weel bring ze bacon back from ze bacon tree!' said John-Pierre. Hours go by and John-Pierre hasn't returned. As night falls, and Jean-Luc is about to enter the forest to look for his friend, he hears a rustling in the nearby brush, to which Jean-Pierre stumbles out, bloody and with arrows through his legs and arms. 'Jean-Pierre! What 'appened!!' exclaimed Jean-luc. 'Turns out it was not a bacOn tree.....it was an 'AMBUSH!!!'
It's been about a year since my dad passed away unexpectedly. The grief hits me in weird waves sometimes, but one of the things that ALWAYS brings a smile to my face is a joke he kept going for YEARS.
It started in line at Costco years and years ago:
Dad: [pointing over to a sign in the pharmacy] What does that say?
Me: Hearing aids.
Dad: What?
Me: HEARING AIDS
Dad: WHAT?!
A year or so later, at a charity event banquet, a police officer was speaking...
Officer: ...these funds have helped cover numerous medical expenses for those in need, including vision tests, hearing aids...
Dad: [leans over to me] What did he say?
Me: [whispers] Hearing aids.
Dad: What?
Me: Hearing aids.
Then we both burst out laughing and had to keep it together at this fancy dinner.
My dad did this for YEARS. And was masterful at waiting JUST long enough so that I had forgotten the joke and would fall for it every time. It was basically a years-long dad-joke ambush.
My wife came storming in angrily, looked at us and shouted, 'Get down!'
I said, 'Follow the commander's orders, son. There might be an ambush.'
A man was walking around in a city filled with crime. Every person living in that city is a member of a certain gang...
The man is ambushed by a group of thugs ready to attack him at any moment, the leader of the group says: "We will ask you a question, answer incorrectly, and we will beat the life out of you. Answer correctly, and we will let you go."
The man was afraid, so he agreed.
The leader says: "Are you with us, or are you with "them"?"
The man responds: "I am with you."
The group proceeds to beat him within an inch of his life
As the group starts to leave, the man asks "I said I was with you people, why did you hit me?"
The leader turns towards him and says: "We're with them."
