Church Alter Ego

This youth pastor is usually very humble, but once he stands on pulpit, he gets proud.

I think it’s his Altar ego

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leonelritchie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?

Probably not, they've never had a hit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dotFuture
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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I was given a bag of peanuts that had been blessed by the Pope.

I gave them away...I hate religious nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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How would you describe a clone of someone named Nathaniel?

They’re an alter-Nate version!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terrayoung
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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What do you call a waffle's evil twin?

Its alter Eggo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/motobuddha
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?

The scientific experiments altered his jeans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bueno117
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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I took 15 dresses to the tailor to be altered.

He sure has his work cut out for him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maxbrickem
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Taylor Swift could further increase her revenue by opening an express alterations shop

and calling it Tailor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeexterminator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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I'm going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.

It will be called, Tailor Swift.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
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I need a pair of trousers altered in a hurry.

Does anyone know how I can get hold of Taylor Swift?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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I asked my tailor how the alterations for my suit were going...

He said "so, so..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billdanbury
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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I've fallen on chard times.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fifirella
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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In the abandoned building down the street from "Tailor Swift" I'm going to open a sketchy-looking alteration service...

called Seams Legit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegodawfultruth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
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Wurst
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATMiceli
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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TIL you can alter your hair color by changing how you eat.

All you have to do is dye it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustinJamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2015
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Hey did you guys ever hear about Geddy Lee's alter ego?

He was a musician by day

But he was a FLY BY NIGHT!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindsquirrel1550
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
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My Girlfriend got me some Brownies saying 'Happy Birthday Joel' My dad altered it... imgur.com/lh3YMUL
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smallishbeans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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Mr. and Mrs. Melon told me the story of when they went to vegas to get married.

At the alter the priest said... You cantaloupe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ColeMotto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My dad adopts an alter ego any time he farts

He starts shadow boxing and proclaiming he is "Gaseous Clay" and "he is the greatest"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jty87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
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I'm going to start a store that provides rapid clothing alterations

I'll call it "Tailor Swift"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmellsLikeASteak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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Need help with a dad joke

I'm writing vows for me wedding, and am going to have a line that's something like "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes", but then I want to follow it up immediately with a bad dad joke about that.

So far the best I have is "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes, no matter how punny I think they are".... But I reckon there's gotta be something better than that. Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcoutie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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There was a one legged man at the ATM this morning..

He was checking his balance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprice-3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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My niece who is active in politics just had a face lift...

She's an altered stateswoman.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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I have just been firing my laser gun in a church.

Pew! Pew! Pew!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pedantichrist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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College tour....

It was one of those rare days at college where my friend Gerald and I had gotten out of class and we had nothing to do.

We decided to hop on a college tour just for fun and see what happens. I attempted to ask questions that would help the tour, but Gerald was asking very weird obvious joke questions.

We get to the chapel and Gerald asks β€œyeah, does this chapel have the necessary alter I need to make my many sacrifices?”

And then this dad next to me, living his daddest life, without missing a beat, turns to me and says: β€œThe tuition is the sacrifice, am I right?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stopwatch9120
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Paraplegic dad, uninjured sense of humor...

Made an account just to share this. My dad is paraplegic--he broke his neck at a college wrestling tournament when he was 19. There's a story my mom always tells about him that just sums up how he can be so lighthearted even in the darkest of circumstances.

During his long stay at the hospital immediately after his injury, a nurse checks in on him, making sure his condition hasn't gotten any worse.

She asks, "Can you hear okay?"

He says, totally deadpan, "No, I can see fine."

Even then, lying in a hospital bed after a life-altering injury, my dad couldn't give up an opportunity to make someone laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StevenSongtime
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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My partner decided to lose quite a bit of weight recently.

It was a wife-altering decision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/colonelbackhand
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
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Actually heard out loud...

Situation: My wife was having a conversation about the Oscars, and Pharrell Williams was mentioned.....

Dad: So, is that Will Ferrel's alter-ego?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patchy_22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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Every time we go to the grocery store.

Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for okay?

Dad: Yea. Why? Did you guys hide them again?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therevenantrising
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2013
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What did the G7 chord say to the A13#11b9 chord say?

You've changed. You're altered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotGoing2Say
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2016
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Even at weddings he is prepared.

We are at a wedding, the bride and groom have yet to walk down the alter when I look at my father...

Me: "Crap. How much time do I have to go to the bathroom?"

Dad: "Pee now or forever hold your piss."

All veteran fathers rapidly blew air from their noses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_fatties
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
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Daddy needs a new suit

My wife asked me why I needed to go get a new suit, for a wedding next weekend, tonight instead of next week.

I told her that if I bought it next week, I'd be "cutting it close" with getting the alterations done in time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gringo_Please
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2016
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The Tailor Delay

My girlfriend is having her bridesmaid dress altered, but they pushed back the finish date. The wedding is next week.

I looked at her and said, "That's cutting it close."

It hit so hard that she might be pregnant (I'm not a dad).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lod254
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2016
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A Teacher I had in High School...

I had Mr. B for a media class in which we worked on computers. We were working in Photoshop and text design specifically. Well, as everyone knows, you can alter the orientation of text. I was young and dumb, I said aloud that my text was 'bi-curious.' Mr. B came up to me and said

"Do you mean you're bi-textual?"

He quickly apologized.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/musesillusion
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
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Eyesight test
  1. You will need a few small pieces of paper or 'cards'. Write down a short sentence on each piece starting with a large font and slowly decreasing it as you go. The last piece should have "I can't see" and all of them should be legible from a short distance. Print if you must!
  2. Find a victim friend/child and tell them you have read about an eye test on the internet that you can do at home which will provide an estimate to your eyesight and that you wish to try it on them.
  3. Chances are they will agree. If they're embarrassed their eyesight is bad or similar convince them it doesn't matter. If they are wearing glasses you can ask them to take them off to make your story seem more authentic. Stand a bit away from target (the distance you stand from said person should be enough so they can read all your cards so alter according to their eyesight)
  4. Slowly reveal each card and ask your subject to read them out aloud.
  5. When you reach your final card and they read it out, if they don't suspect anything/get the joke move the card closer and closer until they finally understand.Remember a joke is funnier if you don't tell them, so give them some time to think about what happened! Actions such as slapping your leg, laughing wildly or bashing your fist on the table can help them understand. This is not an actual eyesight test! and use this prank appropriately.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sponge_bob_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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