If you hurl allegations from the hot tub...

are you in a j'accuse-i?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fishercook
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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Today I got a suspicious letter allegedly from a Buddhist prison.

It was monk jail junk mail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trentontron
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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This is real lee getting out of hand
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/h3y0002
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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Allegedly there’s a national coin shortage

I asked someone to explain it to me and they didn’t make cents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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What do you call an accusatory reptile?

An allegator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plumsby
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Y'all hear about the habitual liar who allegedly published a best-seller?

Everybody's buying it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megaletoemahs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
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Did you hear about the gym teacher who's fled the uk after allegedly having 'relations' with one of his student?

Police say he's done a runner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SergeantSquare
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
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I’m emu too
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TravTravTravv
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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Told My Dad About The Cardinals Alleged Cheating Scandal

He said "That's Busch league!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Master_Brewer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
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LORENA BOBBITT'S SISTER ARRESTED

API - Clearwater Florida - Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition. Luella has been charged with one count of a misdewiener.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrabbieMike
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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Dad jokes galore: Candy company settles with mid-Missouri man over underfilled boxes

A settlement has been reached in one of the sweetest lawsuits ever to be filed in federal court, but details of the payday are under wrappers.

Daryl White Jr. of Belle, Missouri, didn’t sugar coat his anger about paying a dollar apiece for boxes of Mike and Ikes and Hot Tamales that were only two-thirds full. Determined not to be a sucker, he hired counsel and paid the U.S. District Court Western District of Missouri a $400 filing fee to sue Just Born Inc., the candymaker’s parent company, for alleged deceptive advertising and unjust enrichment.

SOURCE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missourijake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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My dad told me this extremely inappropriate joke at a family dinner:

Allegedly, this happened a generation or two back in my family:

After having given birth to her first child, a far out aunt of mine was asked by a younger girl if it didn't hurt to push out a baby. Her husband broke into the conversation saying "No, of course not! If I could get seven pounds into her, then of course she could push seven pounds out!"

And there we sat, the entire family, in total awkward silence...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/h4tt3n
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
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Two detectives were investigating an unusual murder at a McDonald's.

The suspect allegedly put a Happy Meal toy into his victim's hamburger, choking him to death. One detective turned to the other and said, "Boy, I'm not sure what to do with this one - I've never had a knicknack patty whack before."

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2016
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I can produce a good one every now and then...

Watching the news with my two roommates. Story on about a woman allegedly offering sexual favors in exchange for food stamps.

Rommate 1: Seriously, selling yourself for food stamps?

Me: Produce-tituion

Roomie 2: facepalms

Roomie 1: Well she wont have to worry about getting any meats at least.

Roomie 2: Double facepalms

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2015
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Oh God...

I was talking to my dad just now about the legend of St George. He said, jokingly, that the knight did slay a dragon and I retorted with.

"Yeah, and allegedly a rose bloomed out of its blood,"

His reply? "Yup, allegendly,"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inguaz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
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Fireman told me this one

Really close family friend of ours told us this one that allegedly happened while he was on duty. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, as it reads the 'funniest'.

So I'm on duty and we have to go and put out a simple brush fire off to the side of a busy intersection. Since it's the dry season of Southern California literally the smallest spark can cause a giant fire you know, so we're trying to put it out pretty fast. So we arrive there and we notice that an ambulance is speeding down the road to this one pretty sharp bend, and you know, they're making haste since they're on a code 3. A code 3 is where both the siren and the lights are on at the same time and they obviously have something that they need to do. Anyways, they're speeding around this corner and one of the backdoors gets flung open and a cooler flies out and lands at the curb. By this point we've handled the fire and we're just assessing the damage, like where it's spread, stuff like that, so I go and retrieve the container and I open it and inside there's a human toe in there. I tell most of my crew and we decide that we'll get the toe back to the paramedics and then head back to the station. So we call the emergency services and we let them know that some EMT's have left a human body part and didn't come back to get it. They tell us, "we'll have someone come pick it up soon". We wait about 20 minutes and no one arrives and we're all a bit startled that no one's come back to come pick up a fucking human toe, so we call back and they give us the same thing. Half an hour goes by so I decide to call AAA and see if they can help us. Sure enough, AAA is able to help us and within 10 minutes they dispatch the help we need by sending us a toe truck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XIGRAHAMIX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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My dad's amazing golf pun

My family (Canadian) were talking about the PGA and the golfer Dustin Johnson became the subject of discussion. For anyone who doesn't follow golf, Johnson has come under some scrutiny lately for:

  1. Failing drug tests, leading him to withdraw from the PGA tour.

  2. Allegedly cheating on his girlfriend Paulina Gretzky (daughter of the hockey player Wayne Gretzky)

My dad then cracks this one:

"Looks like he's no longer in the PG, eh?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plith
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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