If my bookcase realizes it wants to store dishes instead of books, it has reached shelf actualization.
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
Ah yes medical pun (putting the actual joke in the title would kinda ruin it all ngl)
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning:
"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."
I love it when these things occur in nature!
What would Hitler´s book have been called if he had actually become a painter?
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
A lot of people think of Batman as really serious, but he’s actually a funny guy.
He even used to be a comic
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
If you're feeling suicidal, chips are actually healthy.
Eating them decreases your wait.
If the old adage "You are what you eat." was actually true, what food would rappers never eat?
An orange, because they don't rhyme.
[an actual conversation I had with my beer loving father]
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
Actual joke my Dad just said to me:
Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.
Dad: That’s annoying; now it’s not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
Beauty School would actually be very easy to procrastinate in
Because it has make up exams.
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born
Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel.
Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
An actual dad joke
I Han a hen than could count her own eggs she was a mathemachicken
A wet dream is actually a dream cum true
Hypnosis doesn't actually work...
Actual dad joke I heard in the supermarket
A dad was with his daughter and she was looking for hair dye and he said... "Don't get that red colour you got last time, it made you a transginger"
They actually made a KFC movie on the Hallmark channel
It’s suppose to be a romance but don’t be surprised if there’s some Fowl play.
Just found out lesbians actually cook.
I thought they just ate out..
Not many know this, but Chewbacca actually led a double life as a boxing champion.
He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.
The called him the Jabberwookie.
Actually made my wife laugh today
My daughter and I were playing with the toy story toys. Bopeep had to see the doctor and I said I don't trust ducky as the doctor. I think he's a quack.
Karen did that actually happen
My ex actually has 3 spirit animals:
It’s actually a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone.
An actual dad joke, from my dad
Clark Kent’s lucky he gets his powers from the sun, we just get cancer
Did you know that the Type O was actually meant to be Type Zero but....
It was misread to be Type O blood. I guess you could call it a typo.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer employee that beat up a Duracell employee?
He got charged with battery.
I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)
I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, “Hey, don’t try to start anything in here”
My mom actually made this up not my dad
Person 1: knock knock
Person 2: who’s there
Person 1: cash
Person 2: cash who
Person 1: Actually I prefer almonds
I actually failed pirate school
I only learned my letters up to quueeuuee
Quick Update: The dime actually won the presidency!
My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong. I actually stopped after going once…
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person
Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.
My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”
I said, “That’s.....a novel idea.”
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
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