If my bookcase realizes it wants to store dishes instead of books, it has reached shelf actualization.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huxley0721
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?

They make up everything.

I was proud.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaybird1905
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Ah yes medical pun (putting the actual joke in the title would kinda ruin it all ngl)
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrevAccountBanned
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.

You just have to listen varicosely.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?

two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadwfiend
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm more proud of this joke I made up than the actual drawing, but, some OC for Christmas reddit.com/gallery/kjidtv
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hypeeveryoneup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning:

"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."

I love it when these things occur in nature!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
What would HitlerΒ΄s book have been called if he had actually become a painter?

Mein Craft

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocksolidsalmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.

I can stop any time.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jasonhackwith
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of people think of Batman as really serious, but he’s actually a funny guy.

He even used to be a comic

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobertforApples
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're feeling suicidal, chips are actually healthy.

Eating them decreases your wait.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
If the old adage "You are what you eat." was actually true, what food would rappers never eat?

An orange, because they don't rhyme.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeppo_007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
[an actual conversation I had with my beer loving father]

Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"

Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."

Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"

Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."

Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"

Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."

πŸ‘︎ 457
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language

And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 276
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Actual joke my Dad just said to me:

Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.

Dad: That’s annoying; now it’s not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zoe270101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.

I couldn’t fathom it.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Beauty School would actually be very easy to procrastinate in

Because it has make up exams.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bubba8115
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.

πŸ‘︎ 476
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?

Yeah, he can clock you a good one.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.

On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brickforsheep
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
An actual dad joke

I Han a hen than could count her own eggs she was a mathemachicken

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
A wet dream is actually a dream cum true
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nervoussystem66
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Hypnosis doesn't actually work...

Change My Mind.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Actual dad joke I heard in the supermarket

A dad was with his daughter and she was looking for hair dye and he said... "Don't get that red colour you got last time, it made you a transginger"

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantr1x
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
They actually made a KFC movie on the Hallmark channel

It’s suppose to be a romance but don’t be surprised if there’s some Fowl play.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loonmaster2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Just found out lesbians actually cook.

I thought they just ate out..

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Not many know this, but Chewbacca actually led a double life as a boxing champion.

He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.

The called him the Jabberwookie.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/praisethelort
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Actually made my wife laugh today

My daughter and I were playing with the toy story toys. Bopeep had to see the doctor and I said I don't trust ducky as the doctor. I think he's a quack.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No-re-Gretzkys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Karen did that actually happen
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prabeshdai13
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My ex actually has 3 spirit animals:

Lion, Ass, Cheetah

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/medimanager
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s actually a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone.

It’s assault.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watanabelover69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
An actual dad joke, from my dad

Clark Kent’s lucky he gets his powers from the sun, we just get cancer

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueUnit7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that the Type O was actually meant to be Type Zero but....

It was misread to be Type O blood. I guess you could call it a typo.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer employee that beat up a Duracell employee?

He got charged with battery.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apache7G
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)

I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, β€œHey, don’t try to start anything in here”

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My mom actually made this up not my dad

Person 1: knock knock Person 2: who’s there Person 1: cash Person 2: cash who Person 1: Actually I prefer almonds

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bathtubgamer2017
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I actually failed pirate school

I only learned my letters up to quueeuuee

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BKFKHC
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Quick Update: The dime actually won the presidency!

He won by ten percent.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
🀣
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnergizerBunnyCJ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong. I actually stopped after going once…

...going twice…

πŸ‘︎ 452
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person

Her actual word were β€œyou’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

πŸ‘︎ 982
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said, β€œWhy don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”

I said, β€œThat’s.....a novel idea.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EggNogAgenda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language

And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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