I've worked really hard and only achieved becoming a taxi driver.
I can't believe that's all I have to chauffeur it.
π︎ 77
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
I have achieved comedy
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
Get it ?
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
What an achievement
When a semi-aquatic mammal in Antarctica likes what you're doing...you have the seal of approval
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
We have achieved world peas
π︎ 87
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
I wrote a book about how convicted felons can use fiction writing to work through their experiences and achieve better rehabilitation outcomes.
It's called, "Prose and Cons".
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Nov 30 2019
I can understand why the invention of the wheel is looked upon as one of the most important achievements of mankind
It was a very pivotal moment
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
I got called pretty today.
...well, actually, the full statement was βyouβre pretty annoyingβ, but I only focus on positive things.
π︎ 590
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
Finally achieved world peas
π︎ 361
π
︎ Feb 27 2019
I aprecciate the president Russia's achievements.
He had to Putin a lot of work to get where he is.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
100% effective method to not go to jail
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
To achieve Damp
You have to let it sink in
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
The invention of the shovel was just touching the surface of what today's is groundbreaking technology can achieve.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 11 2020
The invention of a the shovel was a ground-breaking achievement
π︎ 269
π
︎ Jul 21 2019
I'm not a dad, but I pulled this on my sister and achieved a groan. So here it is!
*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.
Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"
Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."
Me: "Then don't open the door!"
Sis: *groans
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 08 2020
Achievement unlocked: Got a groan from my 6 year old
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
π︎ 28
π
︎ Feb 26 2020
I was wearing mismatched socks and my mom said to me
I bet you have another pair exactly like that.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Dad : What have achieved with all this network?
Me : No net work.
(the joke is on me)
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
A stone with a lot of achievements is a roll model.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 27 2019
This achievement in Oxygen Not Included
π︎ 34
π
︎ Aug 07 2019
I once knew a scarecrow that won an award
for outstanding achievements in his field.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
How I'd singlehandedly achieve world peace [OC]
π︎ 41
π
︎ Oct 02 2019
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time βdad Iβm hungryβ and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
What do you call a bodybuilder in jail?
π︎ 53
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
New Achievement as a Father
Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no".
I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
Wolfenstein II with one of the best achievements ever!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 27 2019
It's good to see people that carrot about world peas.It might seem corny, but to achieve world peas we have to beet the bad guys.
π︎ 68
π
︎ Jul 18 2018
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
I accused my baker son of not achieving anything..
He stood up and said βyou breader believe Iβm not loafing around, Iβm on a roll!β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 18 2019
Supermilk
I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.
So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word βlegendaryβ is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, βNo, legendary means super famous milk.β Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: βOh kitty, what are you doing?β
Me: βI think sheβs fishing.β
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didnβt groan, roll her eyes, or whine βDaaaadβ.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 25 2019
Finally achieved world peas
π︎ 26
π
︎ Apr 02 2018
I think my highest achievement was climbing Mount Everest.
It's all been downhill from that.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 06 2019
What is your crowning achievement?
My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Aug 16 2016
Achieving world peace is simple. Just burn all musical instruments.
Then there will finally be no violins.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 18 2019
What did the dog achieve at university?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 08 2018
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved ESCAPE VELOCITY
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
My Mexican friend has been trying hard to achieve a higher rank in the cartel but he's failing every time.
He's criminally underrated to be honest.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 17 2019
King Henry V's greatest military achievement was capturing Harfleur with a single marshmallow
One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 20 2018
*Ted receiving the Best Dentist award at the Dentist award show*
This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque thatβs allowed in my house.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
Anyone can become communist.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
I thought my birth was my mother's greatest achievement.
Turns out it was just her crowning achievement.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 27 2017
Maximum βOh, boyβ achieved
While outside of Desano pizza...
If you have pizza two days in a row, is it a repizza?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 25 2018
Did you here about the scarecrow that recieved an achievement award?
He was outstanding in his field!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 17 2018
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