My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives

I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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What did may say to March after being accused

Ju-ly

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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My wife accused me of taking the last donut

It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obi-whine-kenobi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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The wife accused me of always dropping random Elvis lyrics in our conversations.

Her suspicious mind left me all shook up

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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TIL that Mona Lisa was once accused of murder

Turns out she was framed

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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I was playing among us and someone accused me that i was impostor

I just need to vent about it for a bit

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkblade768
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you plead?"

The defendant who is a robot: "Guilty as charged"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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A lot of people accuse me of plagiarism.

But those are their words, not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 776
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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What do you call a scandal concerning a rich engineer where the list of accusations only gets longer and longer over time?

Elongate

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thatyougoon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.

I replied, "That's what you think!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus.

Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, distraught, surprised, and taken aback.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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When my boys were playing ball, they accused me of spraying the ball with the watering hose. I didn't spray it.

I mist it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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If Mark has been accused of plagiarizing my content; Mark!? My words.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HowToFailAndWhy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I don’t understand how she can feel that way.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rafwaf123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Creepy situation? Calls for a dad joke

So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:

At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit β€” the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.

Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me β€” I’ve never been one to split hares

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurtvan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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What did the Mandalorian bodybuilder say when he was accused of taking steroids?

This is the Whey.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N11Ordo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a well, actually..

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/safiyah-l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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I have been accused of writing a long series of messages about the song "I'm Too Sexy"

But I would like to reassure everyone that I did not write said thread.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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I've been accused of being a plagiarist.

Their words, not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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What did the Bowling Pin say when it was accused?

β€œI’ve been framed!”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeerMan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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A cannibal in Northern Germany is arrested while grilling beef patties.

He is accused of eating both hamburgers and Hamburgers.

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Where do French criminals take baths?

In the J'accuse-i.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I've been accused of stealing other people's jokes

This post says otherwise

Edit: Wow someone gave me my first plat! As thanks, I'd steal make a post that says it all but this has already been posted before

Edit 2: thank you for the gold and silver!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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I've just been accused of reposting a Dadjoke about Time travel tomorrow...

...That's Preposterous.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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There is no month that accuses someone of speaking a falsehood!

July.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Computant2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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When I was a baby I slept all the time but I slept less and less as I got older....

...I didn't want to be accused of kidnapping.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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I had a dream where I was a wharf accused by the state of committing a crime...

I had a right to trial with a jury of my piers.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was always accusing me of being a cross dresser.

So I packed up all of her clothes and left!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HassanMoRiT
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Dad, that man accused you and Mom of being something called pyromaniacs. Is that true?

Yes, we arson

πŸ‘︎ 285
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I just saw a homeless man get arrested for cloaking himself in a blanket the cops falsely accused him of stealing...

It was a bum wrap.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A person was accused of burying someone in cement

but there was no concrete evidence.

πŸ‘︎ 482
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisboishere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of hating her family

I told her, "your mother-in-law is way better than mine!"

πŸ‘︎ 347
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Mona Lisa was once accused of murder....

Turns out, she was framed.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saulfineman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of people accuse me of plagiarism

But those are their words, not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I don’t understand how she can feel that way.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is always accusing me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I was accused of being a plagiarist.

Their words, not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I said, β€œAbsolutely not! No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact..."

"I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of being immature...

I told her to get out of my fort.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProGamer14719
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I was accused of being a plagiarist.

Their words, not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatherfigure1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

πŸ‘︎ 22k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of being immature...

I told her to get out of my fort.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awburrou
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report

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