According to a recent study, itβs really hard for women to work for the Postal Service.
Itβs a mail dominated industry.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
According to a recent survey...
According to a recent survey, 8 out of 10 people agree that they make up 80% of the population.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a personβs aura changes when they die.
π︎ 152
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︎ Oct 31 2020
According to my chocolate advent calender....
There is only 3 days till Xmas.
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 05 2020
According to chemistry...
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 20 2020
According to official NASA documents they have Aliens on the ISS.
They also have Alien, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection - all on DVD.
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︎ Sep 02 2020
According to the new rules this year, NFL players are no longer allowed to have a chicken as a pet.
Itβs considered to be a personal fowl.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
I was pulled over by the police. The officer said "According to your license you should be wearing glasses when you drive"
I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"
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︎ Jul 17 2020
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
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︎ Jul 14 2020
According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles....
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︎ Jun 23 2020
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
π︎ 56
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︎ Jan 28 2020
According to a survey, the favourite film of most hipsters is βRaiders of the Lost Arkβ.
Itβs the first Indie movie.
π︎ 28
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︎ May 03 2020
Dogs can not contract coronavirus and do not have to quarantined anymore according to the world health organization
To clarify, WHO let the dogs out
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︎ Apr 19 2020
Son: Dad, according to the manual, itβs not a good idea to have the volume of your phone turned up to the maximum.
Dad: Thatβs sound advice.
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︎ Jul 14 2018
According to my girlfriend, I'm a "hipster" for enjoying avocado flavoured coffee...
Well, I guess I better drink it before it gets too cool
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 06 2020
According to statistics,
people who are mean tend to be average.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 22 2019
BREAKING NEWS: The man who wrote the hokey pokey died today, according to officials they struggled getting him into the body bag because they put his right leg in, then his right leg out, in out in out they shook it all about.
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︎ Nov 18 2019
My wife has this weird case of OCD where she organizes the dinner plates according to the year we bought them.
Itβs an extremely rare dish order.
π︎ 553
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︎ Jun 04 2018
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
π︎ 16
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︎ Aug 05 2019
There's a gang of shoplifters going across town systematically stealing clothes according to size.
Police say they're still at Large
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︎ Aug 15 2019
This is a very hard joke according to my 5 year old son: What do a pineapples say when they're reading in the bed?
I forgot to brush my teeth...
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︎ Jun 20 2019
I tried to cook according to a recipe but the food was bland
I should have taken it with a grain of salt
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︎ Jun 11 2019
In 1935, an American went out on a quest to discover the Loch Ness monsters. He found that according to legend, there were at least 10 in existence. Instead of trying Scotland, he believed the US might have these lake monsters. In which state did he begin his quest?
π︎ 6
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︎ May 06 2019
According to a survey, 80% of the people don't know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
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︎ Jan 03 2019
According to my dad, i should have been an astronaut.
He always said i took up space in school.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 11 2019
Tomatoes are fruits according to wikipedia...
That makes ketchup a smoothie!
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 01 2018
According to USA Today, people have become less accepting of LGBTQ+ Americans since the election.
They arenβt having a gay old time anymore.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 18 2019
According to a survey 40% of the people are terrible at math.
The other 50% don't know grammer and speling.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 22 2019
According to a new report, adverse side effects from Botox injections occurred in a large number of people last year
None of them seemed surprised
π︎ 14
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︎ Nov 25 2018
According to my wife's pregnancy app, our unborn child is the size of an ear of corn.
"A-maize-ing!" I exclaimed.
I was asked to stop laughing because I was "causing a scene."
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︎ Sep 02 2017
Uranus smells like rotten eggs, according to scientists.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 26 2018
According to a research, 5/4 people are bad at fractions.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 14 2018
I don't have any kids. According to my nephew, this disqualifies me from telling dad jokes. But he's always preaching that my diet is too high in carbohydrates, so my eating habits really irritate him and get under his skin.
I guess this makes me his carbuncle.
π︎ 8
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︎ Sep 20 2017
If /puns were to host a fence building party according to the rules...
(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)
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No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.
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The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.
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If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.
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Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.
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You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.
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If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.
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When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...
For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 03 2018
According to science, the world's funniest joke, is really a Dad Joke
Here is the joke: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Heβs not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. βMy friend is dead! What should I do?β The operator replies, βCalm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that heβs dead.β Thereβs a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, βOk, now what?ββ
Here is the article to back it up:
http://www.urbo.com/content/the-worlds-funniest-joke-according-to-science
Insert Mic Drop
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 08 2018
According to the Bible, who makes the coffee in the morning?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 06 2017
According to critics of fundamental components of German cuisine
The wurst part is the sausage.
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 11 2017
According to lead researchers...
Lead is a heavy metal with an atomic number of 82.
π︎ 14
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︎ Dec 03 2016
According to the catholic church, Popeye has blessed sight.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 12 2017
According to some very well known guys, we ALL live in this sub
http://m.imgur.com/4MSQl86.jpg
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 05 2017
According to my chocolate advent calendar...
....there's only 3 days left till Xmas
π︎ 22
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︎ Nov 09 2020
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a personβs aura changes to cyan before they die.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 17 2019
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a personβs aura changes to cyan before they die.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jun 01 2020
Me: According to the World Health Organization...
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 24 2020
According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles
π︎ 54
π
︎ Sep 12 2017
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 11 2014
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