What do you give an abusive pasta chef who always serves wet noodles?

A re-straining order.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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Why couldn’t the Egyptian get out of her abusive relationship?

She was still in de-Nile.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiRedditHiReddit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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Ever hear the one about the domestically abusive dwarf and his tall wife?

It's a knee slapper

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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What do you call a person who disses abusive words

Dis-cuss

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashrajt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Abusive Flashlight

Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? He was charged with battery

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poopystink16
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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I had an abusive father growing up who was a professional wrestler

It wasn't that bad though, because he never really hit us.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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What do abusive parents wear?

"Beats me..."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zanman28
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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What does an abusive butcher do to get off?

He beats his meat.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoodieninja86
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
🚨︎ report
So there's this abusive boss at my Dad's work, right...

And he's not letting anyone go home at reasonable hours or take leave until the big project's . He's been working early mornings and late nights . It's been going on for weeks. they're all tired and homesick. I haven't had a meal with him at home all month which really sucks because he was a great laugh at dinner time. Even when I do see him he's too overworked to even think straight.

Anyway, yesterday Phil, one of his workmates had a brilliant plan.

He turned to my Dad and said to him; "I've had enough of this crap, I'm going home and calling in sick for the next couple of days!"

My dad is amazed. "Phil!" he says, "You can't do that - you'll get sacked!"

"Don't worry, mate," says Phil, "I've got it all worked out." tapping his nose. Out of the blue he reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan (It was off) and hangs upside down from it. My dad has no idea what's going on and tries to ask him, but Phil doesn't answer.

Eventually the boss walks in and asks "Phil - what the Hell are you doing?"

"I'm a lightbulb." replies Phil.

The boss is surprised and realises the guy needs to go home and sends him off for a couple of days. All of a sudden my Dad gets up too and walks away.

"What do you think you're doing?" says the boss.

"You don't expect me to work in the Dark do you?" replies my Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Story of an abusive marriage.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case? "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?' "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?' "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/v_cleaner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
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An abusement park
πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qduriani
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Reddit faces lawsuit for failing to remove child sexual abuse material

It is a minor issue

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ravikiwi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Jehovah's Witness favourite band.

The Doors.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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I abuse alcohol.

Do i really abuse or Aboooze it?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArmedSweeping
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m addicted to abusing nuns, I just can’t not hit them, the only thing that’s worked for me is redirecting it to somebody else.

I’m trying really hard to kick the abbot

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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An abusement park
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MazuBazu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a smart drug abuser?

An oxymoron!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My high school bully still takes my lunch money.

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

πŸ‘︎ 295
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Today I learned my son hates r/DadJokes. He's been spat on, punched, and verbally abused for his own opinion...

I don't even want to imagine what'll happen when he leaves the house.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuckDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Why was the drummer arrested for emoji abuse?

He kept hitting the cymbals

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/errsta
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Heroine

I walked into a substance abuse clinic for my second meeting yesterday. The doctor knew I had a severe crush on women super heros...today he told me the news.

"Sir I'm afraid it's dire, you need to be checked in immediately for your heroine addiction"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flameman1995
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
People who abuse steroids have ill-gotten gains
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Max_Is_Homo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a book for alcoholics and drug abusers

Adictionary

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pndaberrybruh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Two domestic abusers, very similar features...

A striking resemblance.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Where can you look up the definitions of drug abuse, alcoholism, and problem gambling?

Addictionary!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillerFlea
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
People that do a lot of crunches go through a lot of abuse.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/surgicalfunnel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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i went to rehab for abusing soap

i just wanted to get clean

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isthisaxbox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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That's right
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eduarcool
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Step on it.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garrufes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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It was about rape so the pun is better. Original post https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/bq2qvn/peta_parent_freaks_out_at_my_animal_abusing_ways/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFluDisease
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A man was found abusing words

He got a sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toxic_dude22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandma is 80% Irish.

People call her Iris.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
when making salad, i may sometimes abuse vinegar...

but at least not rape oil.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sobrasada1009
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
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So I heard Michael Jackson was accused of child abuse

I guess you could say those kids where hit by a smooth criminal.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBoyMuguff
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Sit-ups and crunches are classic forms of abuse
πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CNYguy82
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
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Why don't they send alcoholics to jail for substance abuse?

Too many bars.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Winged
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.

Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc.

Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset.

Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky.

Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.

πŸ‘︎ 780
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AirCatcher
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
After many abuses, the horse finally rebelled after a lack of food.

It was the last straw.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
It shall commence on 4/20
πŸ‘︎ 36k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justlooking250
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2018
🚨︎ report
3 domesticated Rams are in the kitchen, labelled A, B & C

If you put a pumpkin on ram A, nothing happens. If you put a pumpkin on ram B you get the same result.

But if you put a pumpkin on Ram C it starts knocking things off counters, making a mess and abusing the kitchen staff.

I guess that is what happens when you put a gourd on ram c in the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave my friend a jar of cashews but the cashews abused him, beat him up and ran away.

He should have known, it was a nut case.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/apugoneappu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL: A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s chief export.

And import.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report

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