Five years back I couldnโt pay my electricity bill, those were the dark days of my life
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︎ May 28 2021
Iโve been running naked across the field at the same game for five straight years.
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︎ Jun 01 2021
Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said โKit-Kats are good but these are butter.โ
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︎ Nov 09 2020
So today my five-year-old daughter made me proud...
She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"
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︎ Jun 21 2020
For the past five years, Iโve said that iโm going to start jogging, but I never have
Itโs starting to become a running joke at this point
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
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︎ Nov 25 2020
A father was reading a story to his five year old son.
His son asked him why the book was so fat. The father replied "It's a long story"
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︎ Jan 16 2021
What do you call a five year old's to do list?
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.
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︎ Jun 06 2020
My five year old daughter, wearing a Sleeping Beauty dress, casually playing with Legos: "ROAR ROAR ROARRRR!"
Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"
Her: "Its me."
Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"
Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"
My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!
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︎ Aug 21 2020
my five year old just told me that he wasn't finished his yawn...
... i told him his yawn was expired.
(sadly, he didn't get it)
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︎ Oct 17 2020
My five year old son โs dad in training comment when asked โwhatโs your address?โ
Dad, Iโm not a girl, I donโt wear dresses!
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︎ Aug 10 2020
(Me reading to my five-year-old) The leopard slug eats dead plants and fungi, but also hunts other slugs.
(Five-year-old) I'm a fun guy, so they would eat me.
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︎ Apr 30 2020
Five long years he made this pun
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︎ Oct 09 2019
True story: We weโre driving in the car today when my five year old found an umbrella and opened it...
My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasnโt safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasnโt a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.
The kids didnโt get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so Iโm pretty sure it counts.
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︎ Apr 29 2018
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. Thatโs how we get Number 2 pencils.
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︎ Oct 31 2018
Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...
...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.
My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"
She's going to be a great dad one day.
Edit: skipped a word
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︎ Jul 04 2018
My five-year-old just asked me what my name is and I told him "You know what my name is."
He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?"
I've never been prouder.
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︎ Feb 27 2019
Five years old and ready to be a dad
I was walking my son to kindergarten today and he saw an anthill. He asked what it was like inside, so I told him that it's a bunch of tunnels, like a big ant city. Without missing a beat, he said "so, like... Ant Francisco?" and gave me a cheesy smile.
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︎ Mar 15 2017
My five-year-old came up with this one: "What does Daddy drink when he has a bad cough?"
"Coffee. Get it? Cough-ee."
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︎ Mar 15 2017
For five years, I've been drawing visual pun puzzles and putting them up on Mondays. They're kinda hard but really fun to solve. Here are a few.
imgur.com/a/4s6Qf
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︎ Aug 15 2015
Five years ago plastic surgery was a sensitive topic...
... but nowadays, when someone gets Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow!
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︎ Jan 31 2019
I just ended a five year relationship.
In hindsight, the arguing couple at the store was none of my business.
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︎ Nov 19 2018
At my interview today: Where do you see yourself in five years?
In the mirror, most likely
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︎ Jul 31 2018
Do you know how to have five good years?
Put four on the car and one in the trunk.
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︎ Jun 07 2018
I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in five years.
How should I know? I don't have 2020 vision.
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︎ Mar 10 2015
I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in five years...
...I don't have 2020 vision
(I understand I only have like a day left to say this but whatever)
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︎ Dec 31 2015
I had the same sheets on my bed for five years, but last night they ripped. Today I put new sheets on my bed.
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︎ Jun 17 2018
A girl asked me where I saw myself in five years
"Sorry, I don't have 2020 vision"
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︎ Feb 26 2015
An interviewee is asked where they see themselves in five years...
The interviewee responds: "How should I know, I don't have 2020 vision!"
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︎ Jun 19 2015
Got dadjoked by my five year-old cousin
Me: What's on your shirt?
Him: Dinosaurs!
Me: Have you ever seen a dinosaur?
Him: No. They all died. That's why they're called die-nosaurs.
Kid has a bright future.
Edit: verb tense
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︎ Mar 30 2014
My five-year-old son trying his hand at a dadjoke. Really needs to work on his setup.
Son: Can I have something to drink?
Me: Yeah I'll go get you some water.
Son: Hello thirsty!
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︎ May 04 2015
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Probably my bathroom. That's where I keep my mirror.
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︎ Mar 17 2016
My five year old got me with this one today.
Why didn't Ana want to give Elsa her balloon?
Cause she'd just (busts into song and dance) let it go, let it go...
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︎ Jul 08 2016
My wife asked our 1 year old for a high five...
...but he didn't feel like it. So, she took his hand and high-fived him anyway and said, "I stole I high five!"
I looked at her disapprovingly and said, "That was a low five."
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︎ Jan 04 2016
My five year old is cultivating a proper intolerance for Dad Jokes
Him: [Playing with various toys] "Help me! Two sea monsters!!"
Me: "Help you to see monsters? They're right there."
Him: [With the eyerollest eyerolls that ever eyerolled] "No, Dad, this is not for puns."
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︎ May 02 2015
I asked my father what his five-year plan was
He told me "I do not have 2020 vision."
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︎ Sep 11 2015
My boss, during a review, asked me where I saw myself in five years.
I said, "I don't know, I don't have 20-20 vision."
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︎ Mar 25 2015
Not much of a joke I guess, but I got my five year old with this at the dinner table
Me: "Don't answer my next question. Do you always do what you're told?"
She sat there for a full thirty seconds, mentally wrestling with an answer that would prove she's a good girl while still complying with the instruction to not answer the question. Eventually she settled on "Oh Daaaad!" and went back to eating.
Trolling your children, one of the perks of fatherhood.
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︎ Aug 11 2014
Father of five years comes through.
My father watches Judge Judy everyday at four.
Me: Dad, you missed Judge Judy!
Brother-in-law: How could you misjudge her?!
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︎ Dec 26 2013
Son: Dad, where do you see yourself in five years?
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︎ Dec 01 2018
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