Wrinkle Puns

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".

"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.

"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife

The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".

Iron man

An iron deficiency.

Iron, man.

With my irony-ng board.

My shirts still need ironing...

Talk about headline news

The Ironing Board.

On the nose, but I just made it up. At least I have never heard it before.

..no one even raises an eyebrow.

But atleast she has a smoothie

The lunch bag of Notre Dame

Because they spend all day smelling that dairy-air.

I said, “How do you know? You are not a doctor.”

He said, “Your shirt is wrinkled.”

Because it wasn’t getting enough iron.

If they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirin.

She was very irony.

I watched it all unfold.

I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.

The lady said, "hardback?" I replied, "yes, with little wrinkled heads"

I don't think it works though... I didn't get any younger. In fact, I got more wrinkly!

We're unpacking our bags on our cruise ship. I complain that all my clothes are wrinkled and there's no ironing board in the cabin. She replies:

"Don't worry. Everyone here's in the same boat."

She was already starting to laugh before she stopped talking.

Just raisin awareness.

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"

"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.

"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."

"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."

Wife: "Look at my hands. They're getting wrinkles. I'm old. I bet my ovaries are just shriveling up as we speak."

Me: "I don't know, I think you're...ovary-acting."

Wife: [long pause and sigh] "I deserved that..."

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.

I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”.

I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”.

Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.

Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.

A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.

I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.

How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden

What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.

Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.

The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.

Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.

What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!

A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.

Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.

You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.

Mexican candy makes my taste buds say “OLE!”

FORGET LOVE… I’

I was teaching about naming ionic compounds and said that "we have one more wrinkle to go through, so take a look at this example with iron" and one girl started cracking up. I didn't understand why so she said we had to iron the wrinkle!

My mom is disabled and we have to bathe her on a regular basis so today after we'd cleaned her up I asked:

Me: "So how do you feel? Like a million dollars?"

Mom: "Yeah, green and wrinkled."

Why is an elephant big, gray and wrinkled?

Because if it was small, pink and puckered it would be an ass hole.

Like what the fuck?

... when a girl walked up and asked for a cheeseburger. She paid with $8 cash as she said, "Sorry it's wrinkled." "That's OK," said the cashier, "It won't be once I launder it."

This was my contribution to my daughter's prom tonight.

Posted it to FB and gave my daughter some advice:

[daughter],

Today I learned that ironing is good meditation. While getting your dress ready, I came up with some rules:

Rule 1: Do not sit down in this dress, even (especially!) in a car. Sitting down will cause wrinkles, especially in the buttocks area. Long, 3-mile hikes to the high school can be very romantic.

Rule 2: Do not eat or drink in this dress. For fluids, since your arms will be bare, might I suggest an IV. For solids, have your manservant (aka "date") feed you with a long spoon while you wear one of those full-body aprons like at the barbershop.

Rule 3: Do not dance in this dress. Dancing--especially "touching" dancing--can cause wrinkles. If you really must experience physical contact during the slow dances, your date may grasp non-dress parts of you, such as your forearms or head.

Have fun at your first prom!

Love, Dad

Dad: Why is your shirt so wrinkled?

Me: I must be depressed.

Grandma: clit_or_us, I have made up my mind, I'm going out with you guys tonight.

Me: OK, what are you going to wear?

Grandma: Nothing! Just tell them my outfit is wrinkled!

He had an iron deficiency

Doctor: Your shirt is all wrinkled.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.

Doctor: Your clothes are all wrinkled.

He sighed, “Your shirt is all wrinkled.”

All my clothes have wrinkles !