Window (computing) Puns

It had Windows

It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Edits: Thanks for all the awards!

His windows was cracked.

I guess she doesn’t like windows.

It forgot to close its windows.

they don't work as well if you open windows

Just to take the edge off

Both of them are useless when you open windows

It was a hard drive.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who’s on first?" might have turned out something like this:

Bud Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Lou Costello: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: No, the name’s Lou.

Bud Abbott: Your computer?

Lou Costello: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: I told you, my name’s Lou.

Bud Abbott: What about Windows?

Lou Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Bud Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Lou Costello: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Bud Abbott: Wallpaper.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/

Because somebody left the windows open all night

"I wonder if quad core or duo core matters much..."

"Well, Apple's have a single core, and they run fine."

*Cue groaning

They both become useless after opening windows.

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”

I said, “We already have Windows here in the office as I point to my computer screen”

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

we couldn't make it to a gig anywhere

*edit * slightly adjusting wording thanks to input from fellow dads <3

Procrastinator's Anonymous will be canceled because all the members have put off coming to at least next week. (Credit unknown)

Jane finally decided to join Narcotics Anonymous after getting needled into coming. (Original)

I bet you 50:1 odds that Joe won't be here at Gamblers Anonymous tonight. (Original)

As Laura spoke at AA, I found her account intoxicating. (Original)

Even if I were transgender, I doubt I'd ever go to a Crossdressers Anonymous meeting. I hear those meetings are literally a drag. (Original)

At a computer users' group, a guy was complaining that his Linux-loving girlfriend refused to do Windows. (Original)

I plum need to attend a Purple Anonymous meeting. (Original)

Before her bath last night, my 7 year old saw my copy of Skyrim by the computer.

"Games for Windows??? But dad, you're not a window!"

Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.

As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.

Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.

Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.

So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.

So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.

At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.

Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

I was talking to my dad about the possibility of him getting a new laptop and us taking the HDD out of his current one and swapping it into a new one.

I was telling him about how the keys for Windows are generally tied to the motherboard of the laptop, to prevent exactly this. He kept acting extremely confused.

"How can the windows key be tied to the motherboard?"

"I dunno it takes the serial # or something"

"That just doesn't physically make sense"

"what about it doesn't make sense? It makes perfect sense!

"Well what happens if I get a new keyboard? I don't have to buy a new computer and it has a new windows key"

So I'm showing one of my new coworkers how to run a program on the company computer. Once the program is completed, a window pops up and asks if you are finished. So as I'm helping a customer and my coworker asks me "So finish, right?" I spin around and say " No, English, always English. Don't nobody around here know Finnish!" She looked very confused, I don't think she got it...

Dad: "Sorry guys, but your computers might shut off."

Me: "Why? Is the power going out?"

Dad: "I'm closing windows."

Me: "Really dad?"

Dad: "I saw a window of opportunity."

Today, I'm sitting in the kitchen with my dad and I am telling him about this conversation I had with a coworker about different computer operating systems the day before.

Me: "I was telling him that Windows has its own merits and the dude says that he doesn't trust Windows at..."

Dad: "Why doesn't he trust windows, you can see right though them?"

Me: "........."

This was translated from Bengali so it might sound a bit funny as I'm not completely fluent.

A boy in grade 5 wrote a letter to Bill Gates.

Dear Sir,

I have a few questions for you,

1. Why are the letters in the keyboard scrambled??? When will the correct version be released?

2. We use MS-Word, when will Mr. Word be released???

3. There is no [Any Key] button on the keyboard yet why does the computer ask for it???

My last question is:

4. Your name means gates yet why do you make windows???

I texted back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

She texted back 10 minutes later, "Computer really messed up now."

Because he left his windows open

"Windows frozen."

I texted her back, "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

She texted back, "Computer completely screwed now!"