I should probably stop pooping there.
But Chinese New Year is its own animal
I said βwoah, Butter fingers!β
I was pushing my daughter in a stroller and The young girl he was working with snorted and said βat least youβre a dad, youβre allowed to make bad jokesβ
Proud moment.
Prey
I'm not sure if they think about ocelot.
βTheyβre the cheapest meat you can find, boy. You can always find them under a buck.β
Will Ferrell
We have two couches in the living room. My son is standing next to one talking to his sister
Son: have you seen my glasses?
Daughter: they are on the couch.
Son : which one?
Me: you're standing next to the couch, the other one is the sofa.
Son: what's the difference?
Me: the other one is so-fa away from you.
No laugh, just a stare of disappointment.
All my investors are adventure capitalists.
Prosecutor: "Was the victim shot in the fracas?" Witness: "No, it was just above that."
It was a night-mare
My thots and players go out to him
My son: "Dad, I didn't get enough fries. Can I have some of yours?"
Me: "Sure, I'll trade you 1 of my fries for every 1 of yours."
Son: "That's a horrible deal!"
Me: "I don't know. It seems like an even trade to me."
...but it Dingo as planned.
I had one in my sights, and I was about to pull the trigger, when suddenly the boar opened its snout and started singing beautifully.
That was its Schweinengesang.
It was next level.
Iβm a real dad of 2 kids under 3 so Iβm genuinely too tired to think of a funny way to wrap this up with a punchline. Sorry I really triedβ¦. I guess my exhaustion is a-parent.
The waiter says, βSorry sir, no dogs allowedβ.
Guy says, βWait, wait - this is a very special dog. Every time the Jets score a field goal he does this amazing trick.β
Waiter says, βFine, weβll seeβ¦.β
Jets score a field goal and the dog does this crazy double backflip.
βWowwww!!β the waiter says, βThatβs insane!!! What does he do when they make a touchdown?!?!β
βI donβt knowβ¦β the guy replies, βIβve only had him for 7 yearsβ
.
Itβs called the Warthogs School for Hairy Potters.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit β‘No, Lou Reed.
They're Millennial Falcons
>How do you catch a wild hare?
With hairspray.
>How do you catch a wild rabbit?
You dress in orange, make noises like a carrot.
>How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.
"I guess the lone hydrangea is all that remains."
Ranch dressing
He was born Toby Wild.
Turns out it was The Who that let the dogs out
Pretty fowl attitude if you ask me.
Hey guys! I need your help. For a school project, I'm currently making a wild west saloon. Right now, I'm working on the bar and the beverage. What I would really appreciate is if you have ANY puns, jokes and references, when it comes to alcohol. I'm trying to put as many references on the bottles as I possibly can. If you have, please send me the joke/picture. Thanks in advance ππ»
Boarbon
Yeah. It was wrong on so many levels.
It was a wild goose chase.
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Iβm in Ap chemistry and Iβm trying to think of some mole puns for a project, however Iβm not very good at puns. Looking for really anything but Wild West theming is preferable. PLEASE HELP PUNSTERS
