I remembered a good Dad joke moment.
My wife and I had picked up our daughter and two of her friends. They were in the back of our minivan.
My wife inquired about one of the kids mothers that she was friends with since we hadn't seen them in a while. They moved because of work to another town.
I guess the job was going well and they were making a good deal of money. The kid said, "She doing good, but she's spending a lot of money. She remodeled the kitchen and bought 4K TVs."
They kept chatting lightly and when there was a lull in conversation, I quietly said, "That's a lot of TVs." Just loud enough for everyone to hear but not loud enough to really demand anyone listen.
But then it happened. An uncomfortable pause - the fabled pregnant pause - and they started talking again. No one said anything about it but I knew it landed.
After we dropped the kids off, the first thing my daughter said, "That was SO bad. "
This was at LEAST 10 minutes after I said it. She had been thinking about that joke the whole time. She said the other kids were like looking around like WTF?
โCan we chat now or โSamanthaโ time? โ
Btw .. this is my true story
I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, "what is it?! What is it?!" To which my dad replies,
"Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive?"
To which she responds, "ahhhh! Yes I remember!!"
He then says, "well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear."
And he puts a fresh pear in her hands.
She still won't talk to him.
I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.
We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."
I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.
We were chatting in the car talking about how her brother wants to get into medicine as a doctor or become a teacher.
Her: Yeah he wants to either become a teacher or a doctor, I think he'd be best as a teacher because he has a lot of patience. Me: Well yeah he'd have that either way.
We were having a shit-chat
I have a penpal from Spain I talk to a lot. Today we were chatting on Google Chat in English, and the topic of whether or not sea lions were dangerous came up.
Me: okay google says "sea lion saves man" has 976,000 results
Her: that man has sinked so many times
Edit: Bonus, she continued laughing at her own joke.
Her: hahahahaha
Her: i cant stop laughing
Her: it was so bad joke
Her: hahaha
He tells the farmer that he wants to speak with his animals so he can check how their life there is.
The farmer reluctantly leads the inspector to the paddocks, the inspector notices some cows and approaches asking "Hello Ms Cow, how are you finding life on this farm?" The cow replied in a ventriloquistling voice, "I love my life on the farm, I get grass all day and get put indoors at night". The farmer is amazed at the sight before him.
The inspector makes his way to the duck pond and asks the ducks, "Ducks, how is your life at this farm?" The duck, like the cows reply "I love this farm, we get grain and the big pond. We love our life here".
The inspectors continues his way through the farm with the farmer in tow eventually reaching the sheep pen. As he makes his way towards the sheep the farmer quickens his pace catching the inspectors. "I have something to tell you before you chat to the sheep, THE SHEEP LIE!
Of course he puts it on his head and asks how he looks. We all chuckle in a pained kind of way and Mum says "Can you turn the kettle on, dear?"
And that is when he starts chatting to the kettle, stroking it sensually. sigh.
So I said, "It's like normal tabletoping, but we do it using one of our chat apps." My brother responds, "It's called Discord!" To which my dad says, "Are you sure it's not datcord?"
In a group chat with my mom and dad discussing meeting up for dinner.
Mom : ok. We are on the way. We usually get a table in the bar area.
Me : well I'm sitting at the bar drinking a margarita. If you can't find me, check the floor.
Dad : they sweep the trash out every 15 min, so don't fall off the bar stool.
Been chatting with a girl I met online... she never responded late last night and I wake up to this message this morning:
Her: Sorry! I fell asleep on you last night! Me: Weird... I didn't even feel you on me.
Anndddddd we're still talking. Score.
So, as the title says, a new dad moved in next door with his young wife and infant son.
All the houses in the neighborhood are fairly modest and perfect for new families and first time homebuyers, so we get a lot of those.
As they were unloading, I decided to do the neighborly thing and quickly introduce myself without getting too much in their way.
While we were chatting, his wife comes out with the LARGEST great dane Iโve ever seen.
The shock on my face mustโve been obvious because he quickly explained, with a bit of an annoyed tone, โYea, thatโs my wifeโs dog. I still have my childhood cat, but now this is my biggest pet, Peeve.โ
โCome say hello, Peeve!โ
Dad and I went to the movies are a few years ago to see the second Lord Of The Rings movie and we found ourselves sitting a row in front of the catholic priest, Father John, who married dad and my step mother. We were in a small rural town so they started chatting about local sport and affairs and so on.
The trailers start and they kept talking quietly. Suddenly, a preview for "The Passion Of The Christ" comes on. Afterwards dad says
"Oh, that looks like one for you, Father"
Father John looks a little unsure
"Yeah, well, I've already read the book..."
I'm working on a project for another company. Every morning we have a quick chat over videoconference. They had to move rooms, so we sat on the line and waited.
When they came back, they said "Hey, we're back."
I replied, "Hi back, we're Initech."
The sigh was the best part.
So here's the setup: I recently started working for a taxi cab company. It's surprisingly lucrative, and a shitload better than McDonalds.
So I'm working, and I'm parked in front of a bar, hoping that a fare is gonna knock on my window, when about twenty feet or so in front of me, I see a very good friend of mine. I shout, and we spend the next few minutes shooting the breeze. A fare knocks on my window, and I driver her to where she needs to go.
After, I'm driving back to that bar, and I get a call from my friend, asking if I had another fare lined up. I didn't so he told me to come back, he's got a group for me. They get in the car, and these guys start bugging the shit out of me. Which I can handle. What I can't handle is when they start dealing each other cocaine in my back seat. At that point, I'm just livid. I tell them to give me my money and get the fuck out of my car.
Later, I chat my friend up on Facebook. I tell him that I'm super-grateful that he got me a fare, but to please not ever put those particular assholes in my car again. And since our relationship is built on surreal humor and snark, I start expanding the list. Those assholes. Colombian drug lords. Justin Beiber. Kim Jong-Un. Please, no Korean dictators.
"But what about a penis-shaped potato?"
I'll admit, that one threw me for a loop. But I tell him that potatoes are fine, regardless of shape, size, color, or type.
At that point, I could almost hear him laughing as he typed "Excellent. Instead of a dictator, I'll send you with a dick tater."
I was so pissed off I had walked straight into that one.
We were chatting with a couple of people in the backgarden when a random cat jumped into our garden. He seemed skiddish at first but after trying for a few minutes I got to pet it before it ran off. Walking back, my cousin exclaims: "How did you do that!?" To which I said: "Because I speak cat!". She looked confused for a second, then answered (she lives in Barcelona): "Oh, you speak catalonian too!?"
Maybe you guys won't laugh, but I was crying for 2 minutes straight.
I'm a construction worker in NYC. At my current job site we're working on a new super tall building, the second tallest in the city. Attached to the building is a temporary construction elevator for moving people and materials up to the upper floors.
So I get in the elevator and it's only me and the operator. We chit chat for the ride up and I ask "So what's it like being an elevator operator for this building?"
He replies "Oh you know, it has its ups and downs"
In hindsight I think I walked right into that one.
I went on a few dates with a girl who works at Macy's. We chat a lot and then she sprung a weird question on me. She said, "my boss thinks you're cute and wants your number. Should I give it to her?" I told her I'd prefer to keep dating her and not her boss, but if she just wanted to be friends, then she could give her my number, which she did.
When I told this story to my dad, he said, "you could date both of them at the same time and choose the most interesting one." I said, "that sounds like that could be a reality show" and without missing a beat he said, "yeah, it could be called Macy's Date Parade."
My girlfriend wnted a new watch so we went to the local shopping centre to go to the Fossil shop. It was shut due to a power outage. Go back the next day and they're open; a quick chat with the shop assistant and she says the problem still isn't fixed and they're using generators to try and get through the day.
I couldn't help myself and say "I guess that means you're running on Fossil Fuel then?"
It didn't go down very well.
We chatted a bit about work, and I asked him if he liked being a mechanic: "Yeah, but at the end of the day, I feel like I've been through an engine. I'm exhausted."
Wife and I both use Android devices. I converted her from an iPhone.
Wife: I really like this app, now I don't miss facetime as much.
Me: Ya it's great. We can viDuo chat anytime we want.
Wife: smh
Edit: for those unfamiliar with Duo https://duo.google.com/
The other day, my 2 year old son and I went to visit my dad at his new job as a college teacher. As he was giving us a tour, we stopped by the office of the computer science professor to chat. My son saw some computer monitors on the floor in his office and asked "what's that?" To which the computer professor, who is a grandpa himself, replied "those are monitors. Maybe I should set them outside my door, then they'd be HALL monitors!" We three dad's got a good chuckle out of that. My toddler, not so much.
So, its the day "Clash of the Titans' comes out in theaters. My dad decides to take my brother and I, (we're all big fans), so we get there early and are waiting out in the lobby, my dad and brother go to the bathroom, I wait on a bench for them. A few minutes go by and I see them coming out, my dad giggling at himself, my brother red with embarrassment, and some men behind them laughing.. I want to know, but do I really want to know?
"What did you do?"
He proceeded to tell me of how he overheard some guys chatting about how excited they are for the movie, then realized everyone in there was probably going to see the same movie we are, so he thought it would be a good idea to get in the conversation. He calmy unzipped his pants and yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" as he peed.
And that was all he said.
My poor brother.
My company uses an in-office chat client so we can easily communicate with each other. My coworker messaged me out of nowhere with this one:
Coworker: you know what really gets my goat? Me: hmm? Coworker: el chupacabra
We have a group chat, and my team leader told us that she just video chatted with a member of our Indian team named Siddharth. She said "Siddharth, btw, is one of the sweetest people I've ever met."
I immediately responded with "what a sweetharth."
I feel pretty good about it.
I was at a playground in our new town with the wife and kid. Wife is chatting with another mom. Wife tells her we just moved here. Other mom asks "what brought ya'll here." I respond "a car" and cackle like a mad man.
So the men in my family and my nephew, who's 13, we're helping a family member move yesterday. Afterwards, we were sitting around chatting, and they start asking my nephew if he has a girlfriend, and he said he didn't because the girls at his school were all crazy. So that's when I told him, "it's ok, I used to date a Russian doll, but I broke up with her because she was too full of herself." Groans were had all around. My dad was proud though.
So I've only known my biological father for a few years. We hardly see each other except on holidays because of his work schedule, my work and college schedule, and distance. So today, he decided to visit me all afternoon and take me out to dinner. Before we left, he sat in the living room and we chatted.
Dad: "Well, young'in, I think I'm ready to eat."
Me: "Yeah, me too, I've been hungry for a while."
Dad: "Oh, really? I hadn't realized you changed your name."
Groan
Background, I work for a relatively large University as front line tech support for Staff and Students, walk up, phone, email, chat, etc.
Today was first day of classes so a large number of students and staff passed through our doors. Walk-ups take a number then we can press a button on our system to claim the next number and we can call them.
We had extra help today so not all of the tickets that were pushed were called.
I pull up my ticket system start clicking and calling, a lot of them, no response. I get to 404, call it out, no response so I repeat it and "Not Found? ok".
So I was getting ready to take a trip to Africa and needed some immunizations before leaving. My dad and I get to the city health center, a two story building, and ask the security person how to get to the office we're looking for. We chat about the trip and all that, and she points us to the elevator. We get on, and she calls out "have a great trip!" As the doors are closing my dad says back
"What? We're just going to the second floor!" Thanks dad.
Some students I worked with we're chatting and one said "did you hear about that miner that got trapped in a mine"
I responded "Really? I thought they wouldn't let you in a mine if you're under 18"
Many groans were had.
Snippet of our Google Chat conversation while we're both at work, I had sent him some info for my sinus pain:
> Him: you have a cute sign of eye tits
> Me: LOL what
> Him: Acute sinusitis
> Me: OH MY GOD.
> Me: You.
> Him: :D
He's not even a dad yet.
So it was MT friend's birthday, to celebrate she invited us all over to her house for some dinner.
They've got a pretty big house, and a sweet sound system set up with speakers in each room, so you could play music and everyone in the house will hear it.
So we're all talking and joking around over dinner, my friend hooked up her iPod to the sound system and Ed Sheeran is playing in the background
At this point, her dad comes over to chat
Dad: "So, how do you guys like my house music?"
Friend: "That's not house music dad..."
Dad: "Yeah it is! This is my house, and there's music playing in it, so it's house music!"
It was a birthday dinner for my fiance. We're all finishing up our food and chatting. I mention this woman I don't like: "... Seriously she was rude, testing me and my limits." Dad interrupts. "What grade did you get?" Ha.
