And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life".

But John came fifth, and he got hell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Verily I gave unto him a goblet, and forthwith hailed him by the name he hath previously declared to me...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masterpososo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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β€ͺCAN you raise your voice unto the malt, sing songs and Heineken of glory‬
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_improviser
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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And lo, an angel appeared unto the prophet Isaiah, and said:

Angel: "Behold! I exceed ninety degrees!"

Isaiah: "Uh... what?"

And the angel gave no explanation and vanished.

Isaiah muttered: "What an obtuse angel."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
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Many years after the great flood, God came to Noah again and spoke: β€œNoah, it is my wish that you build another ark.”

Rather worried, Noah said β€œBut my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?”

β€œNo, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.” Said the Lord.

β€œThen why another ark?” Asked Noah.

β€œI wish for this ark to only house fish.” The Lord replied.

A slightly confused Noah responded β€œOkay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.”

β€œBut not just any fish; only carp.” The Lord said unto him.

Noah, now more bemused, replied β€œUh- okay my Lord.”

β€œOne more thing.” The Lord said unto him β€œit needs to have multiple levels.”

β€œAre you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?” Noah pressed.

And God said: β€œI want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.”

Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Moses was known for being skeptical of God's words.

When God said unto Moses, "I am who I am." Moses said, "No way!" And God said unto him, "Yahweh!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/42aku
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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King Henry V's greatest military achievement was capturing Harfleur with a single marshmallow

One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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So my dad just said this...

Dad: There's mail for you! Me: Render unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar. Dad: You mean Caesar the monkey from Planet of the Apes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VandaL-van-Doge
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
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Jesus said unto John. Come forth and receive eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JSmithy46
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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And the Lord said unto John "come fourth and receive eternal life"

But he came fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IwantaWeasel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
And the Lord said unto John: Come forth and you will receive eternal life.

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".

John came fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKrabs7382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
And God said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and ended up with a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fcsquire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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And the Lord said unto John; "Come forth and receive eternal life!"

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MsCynical
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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*...and the Lord said unto John, "Go forth and you shall have eternal life."*

....but John got fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
🚨︎ report
And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2014
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Gift from God

God said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kayauss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2017
🚨︎ report

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