My neighbor says I’m trespassing. I’m unsure if I am or not.

I’m on the fence.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tdrusk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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If you're feeling unsure of who you are...

https://preview.redd.it/refjtnw55sm51.jpg?width=2480&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f3ceee6f8ac7217251280d77204f9efd653364b8

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stunnyfuff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My girlfriend and I bought a new mattress. When we got home and set it up, we were unsure about whether or not it would be comfortable enough.

She said, β€œLet’s sleep on it.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeniedScout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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What should you do when you are unsure whether it will rain or not ?

Well, carry an Ummm..brella .

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yaduteemon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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What did the unsure corpse say?

I.D.K.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rayj36
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Another repost from Facebook that I'm unsure of its existence here.
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alienbeef0421
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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Was unsure if I could pull off a mustache.

But then the idea started to grow on me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BASSLJ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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When you're unsure whether to open a store or a studio, so you compromise and open a
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glorious_Gongniu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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How do you call someone whos unsure if they should use a condom or not?

Someone whos discombobulatex

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Another repost from Facebook that I'm unsure of its existence here.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alienbeef0421
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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I was unsure how to spot the difference between crocodiles and alligators

If you approach them head on, a crocodile will see you in a while, but an alligator will see you later

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oscariscerycool
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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Another repost from Facebook that I'm unsure of its existence here.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alienbeef0421
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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As I sat at the bar, unsure of what to order, I realized I was in for a long night of pour decisions.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SupernumeraryGuy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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I was really unsure about booking my recent hotel stay.

Had reservations about the whole thing.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BreakBye
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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My wife was unsure if she liked the color she dyed her hair.

The day after, she decided she did like it and said "My hair is really growing on me."

I said "How else could it have gotten up there?"

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heyitsmikeyv
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2018
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My sisters having some pregnancy complications, unsure if it's going to be a natural delivery or a c section. My dad dropped this one.

When are they planning, to call in that order for delivery or is it going to be takeout?

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RalphJameson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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What do you call a chicken that’s unsure of itself?

Squawkward.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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Dad jokes: where you're unsure whether he's being serious or not.
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rosee4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2013
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So there was this zookeeper...

(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)

Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.

The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.

On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.

The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...

"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.

"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"

Badum tssss! Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FananaBartman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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Ladies! Destroy the patriarchy with this one simple trick!

Next time a man tells you to make him a sandwich, just say "Poof! You're a sandwich!"

Patriarchy can only be destroyed with dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogerStormzy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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A frog walks into a bank for a loan.

All he has for collateral is a ceramic statue. The loan officer, Patty Black, is unsure of what to do so she consults with her supervisor; "Oh fine", he says. "It's a knick knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Remo1975
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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Taking a girl home at a Thai night club can be nerve-wracking.

I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rnzz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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So a frog walks into a bank

So a frog walks into a bank, and up to one of the tellers, a young woman by the name of Patricia Wakk. He says to her, he says, β€œMiss Wakk, my name is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and I’d like to take out a loan. I make porcelain elephants,” he says, pulling one out from his pocket, β€œand I’d like to open a store down on Main Street selling them. I just need a few thousand dollars to buy the shop. Can you help me out?”

Now, Patricia doesn’t normally deal in small business loans, so she’s unsure on the proper protocol involved, so she calls over her manager and explains the situation to him, explaining Kermit’s family ties and showing him the elephant, to which her manager replies,

β€œIt’s a knick-nack, Patty Wakk, give the frog a loan! His old man’s a rolling stone.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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My wife and I were putting up a curtain rod, and I had previously removed the cap at the end of the rod.

After we finished installing the hooks, and hung the curtains I asked her to hand the cap to me.

"Honey, can you hand me the pole end?"

She was unsure of what I meant, and asked, "What pole end?"

"Pole end is a country in eastern Europe, but I need you to hand me the cap the to the curtain rod."

Groaning ensues...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNewBo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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I need some bug spray.

A guy walks into a store and asks an employee where the bug spray is.

The employee, who just so happened to be currently stocking bug spray, tells the customer it's right here.

The guy then thanks the employee but then asks him to recommend one as he is not sure which one is better.

The employee smiles, then pulls a can of bug spray off the shelf and tells the guy that this is a good one and one of their best sellers.

The guy looks unsure, so the employee asks if something is wrong with it.

The guy replies that he's not sure but it feels like something is Off about this brand.

(Explanation: there is a bug spray brand called Off)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PurpsJL
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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A man went to the doctor to complain about his hip pain.

"You need to exercise more. Have you tried dancing? Maybe you should join a club", the doctor says.

The man, unsure if more movement would really solve the problem, replies: "I don't know Doc, I think I want a second opinion on that."

"In that case, I'd suggest you to see a dentist", comes the answer.

"But Doc, why would I go to the dentist with my hip problem?"

To this, the doctor says: "It hurts because you don't floss."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnemysKiller
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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A frog walks into a bank.

He approaches the teller, Ms. Ursula Paddywhack. He says he needs a loan.

"What for?" asks the teller.

"I want to build a house," the frog replies. "Nothing too fancy, but I want $20,000."

"Do you have any collateral?" asks the teller.

The frog takes out a small crystal horse. "Would this be enough?"

"No, that's not enough," the teller replies. "Do you have anything else?"

"My father is Keith Richards," says the frog.

The teller, unsure what to do, goes to the bank manager. She describes the entire situation and asks for advice. The manager says,

"It's a knick-knack, Paddywhack. Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsNinety
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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My dad can string this joke out forever. I've seen it go for 20 minutes.

A man gets a new job at the zoo.

On his first day, he still doesn't really understand what exactly he's meant to do, just that it involves the Gorillas. He goes and checks in and the manager sits him down to explain.

"Now look," says the manager, "We've been having some troubles lately with our gorilla. He was acting up, getting really agitated with the environment, so we had to send him away. We told the people that enclosure's being repaired, but we're actually looking for a new gorilla - can you do it for us?"

The man is unsure, but he needs the money, so he agrees, puts on a gorilla suit and goes out there. At first he's a bit mopey, so he sits around a lot.

After a couple of days he begins to warp up and eats a couple of bananas and wanders around a little.

Over the course of the next few weeks he becomes progressively more outgoing, moving around, playing in the jungle gym, hollering around and beating his chest. He's a big hit and everything's going really well for him, until one day he's on his monkey bars and getting really into it, but he slips and flies through the air, over the pit, clears the fence and lands in a pile of bushes in the next enclosure.

He is just beginning to pick himself up, when out of the corner of his eye, he sees something in the foliage.

A pair of eyes lock with his.

It moves closer.

He knows this is it.

He begins to pray.

Suddenly the creature leaps and tackles him - the biggest, ugliest lion he's ever seen!

It leans in close.

He can see every gleaming tooth in it's mouth

He can smell the lion's breath

It opens it's mouth

And from inside the lion he hears a whisper.

"Make this good or we'll both lose our jobs."

πŸ‘︎ 658
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
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Youthful slang?

My son has not stopped asking me to do a "fortnight dance" for days now, I'm unsure of why he would want me to dance for an entire fortnight so I decided to check this subreddit to see if it's merely a joke commonly used against dads, can anyone help, thanks in advance

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICDTAITP
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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A man with no arms walks into a church and asked the priest if he could be the new bell ringer.

The priest said he was unsure if he could hire him, but would give him a chance. The man went to the bell tower and started running into the bells head first to make the most beautiful sounds the priest had ever heard. Unfortunately, on his second attempt the man missed the bell and fell out of the tower and died. The priest ran outside to the body and asked the gathering crowd if anyone knew who he was and they all said no, but his face did ring a bell.

A few minutes later another man walked up and claimed that the armless man was a dead ringer for his brother.

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Terry_Tate_OLB
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
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I made my housemate's eye roll into the back of his head with this one

' I was considering buying a new matress. The salesman was pushing quite hard for the sale, but I was unsure so I said to him "I'm not sure still, I'll have to sleep on it" '

I feel the dad brewing inside me!

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lonelyunderpants
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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A fox snuck into the chicken coup last night and killed them all...

Authorities were unsure whether to label it a coup d'etat or a henocide...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaelessin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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Corduroy Pillows

Visiting home, in the car with my mother and father; mother asks what I'd like for Christmas. I respond indifferently, saying I'm unsure, at which point my father chimes in:

"Would you like some corduroy pillows?"

"Uh...?"

"Yeah, I hear they're making headlines."

πŸ‘︎ 217
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djloudenclear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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Dad jokes vs Father jokes

Dad and I went to the movies are a few years ago to see the second Lord Of The Rings movie and we found ourselves sitting a row in front of the catholic priest, Father John, who married dad and my step mother. We were in a small rural town so they started chatting about local sport and affairs and so on.

The trailers start and they kept talking quietly. Suddenly, a preview for "The Passion Of The Christ" comes on. Afterwards dad says

"Oh, that looks like one for you, Father"

Father John looks a little unsure

"Yeah, well, I've already read the book..."

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zenkraft
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
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My local bowling league has just began a walkout until better playing conditions are met

People are still unsure if strikes have increased or decreased during this period

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moenrtostatlaue
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
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Went out to lunch with Dad today

Today, my dad and I went to a restaurant that we've never been to before. It mainly sells gyros and other foods of the sort. I could tell my dad was unsure of what to get, so he told me to order by saying, "You go first... This is all Greek to me."

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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Walking in a Public Place

When my dad is walking in a public place and him and another person (female) are walking towards each other, unsure if the other person is going to go left or right. So the two people awkwardly move from side to side several times before ultimately choosing a side to walk past the other person. My dad always smiles and says, "Well I enjoyed that dance."

He just makes an awkward situation more awkward.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goatpussy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2013
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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My dad's personal favorite.

So this frog walks into a bank looking for a business loan and sits down with a banker, miss Wak. "I'm afraid in order for this loan to go through you may be required to put forth some collateral." To which the frog replies, "Well Patty, I do have one thing I could offer." He then proceeds to offer up a small trinket, says it's been in his family for generations. Unsure if it was enough, she excused herself to consult with her manager. After a short debate between the two her manager finally exclaimed, "It's a knick knack Patty Wak, give the frog a loan!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lawliet1979
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
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My dad at a wedding

We were at my cousin's wedding when the time came to cut the cake. My cousin and her new husband made their way over to the cake and tentatively picked up the knife, looking unsure whether to go straight ahead or await further instruction.

My dad took the brief pause as his opportunity and piped up with "what's the matter, never done this before?"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raaaaaaandy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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Finding the best vacuum cleaner.

I needed to get a vacuum for myself but was unsure of which one to buy. I asked my dad, "Hey, do you know which vacuum cleaner is the best?" He replied with "No, I heard they all suck."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazzKnuckle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2014
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