"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Unleash your what???
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kauntest
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity. The pitiful remnant fights for survival in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2021
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You should always fear a pirate duck

He has the power to unleash the quackin

πŸ‘︎ 303
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaNullman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2021
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I used to have a job circumsizing elephants

It didn’t pay much but the tips were big

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmhdragon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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Unleashing the dad jokes at work lately.

My university recently won a championship. Undergrads make over sized wooden benches which they will burn in a giant bonfire after winning the championship. Boss: I have always wondered what those benches are for, they really burn them? Coworker: Yes, well they sit on them too. Me: Do they die?!?

A barrage of groans, chuckles, face palms, and eye rolls ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NightlyGravy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
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I'll just let this sink in.

http://imgur.com/t0iHkD0

Edit: I got gold for making someone groan. Thank you so much, I'm now much more motivated to impregnate a woman so I can unleash my terrible jokes on the fruit of my loins.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whenn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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Joke by my wife

There we were, sitting by the hearth last night.

Man on the television set: "Vote blue, no matter who."

Mother: "Father, do you think he means our darling pooch"?

Blue: Snoring on the rug, fat and lavish

Me: "Mother, you are a sensational one. Outrageous!"

Mother: With her head tilted back, unleashes a hearty guffaw

I thought you might enjoy this roguish exchange as much as mother and I did πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trenlow12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Did you hear about the French man who always wore denim?

His name was Jean Jaquette.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mack179
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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My dog died today

It was ruff

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Live_Forether
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2017
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I was making my way through Atlanta airport the other day when I noticed a man working on a broken escalator...

As I descended down the adjacent, working escalator I noticed the man tapping his screwdriver impatiently at the bottom; looking around as if he were waiting for something. I couldn't resist...

>Me: "Do you have everything you need to fix it?"
>
>Him: "No!" <looking frustrated>
>
>Me: "Well, have you tried escalating?!"

In about half a second the man's face erupted in a smile while he proceeded to laugh so loudly that he startled himself and a woman nearby who gasped, turning to look at him. Somewhere behind me a woman unleashed a loud, "Ha!" as well.

I smiled all the way to my designated boarding gate =D

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
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I sent this one out of the station when we were studying for class.

my girlfriend, her friend, and I were all in a coffee shop doing some studying when she she started thinking. I said something to her friend and after I finished my sentence I was able to unleash this beauty.

Girlfriend: Damn it! I lost my train of thought! Where did it go?

Me: It probably de-railed itself.

I then started to lose it and was hysterically laughing while I received a look of total disappointment.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyleisthestig
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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Wife dropped this one in my lap today.

We're in the middle of moving and i just got my bookshelves all set up. Unfortunately, there isn't enough space in one single room for them all (I've got too many, like addiction level). My wife brings up that the author 'B' section probably has the most books. I'm pretty sure it's 'S' names. Then she unleashes, "That makes sense, because it's just a bunch of b.s." Golf clap.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Totep
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 741
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/purpleibanez801
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report

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